Posted by littleone on November 2, 2004, at 14:38:01
In reply to what is this?, posted by lifeworthliving on November 1, 2004, at 21:03:39
> i really felt it and started to yell for her to help me and someother things about it hurting me. i had the sensation of hands on my chest, etc. i was able to watch but was also experiencing something very real.
I've never experienced this or anything like it, so my comments probably aren't worth jacks**t. But reading your comment above really sounds like you were re-experiencing the csa - like a flashback I guess, but without the actual memory. "Help me. It hurts." Hands holding you down.
I've read somewhere that the body remembers things that happened to it, so perhaps in order to heal, both the body and the mind need to tell their story. It sounds like your mind has been doing most of the talking so far.
> i've been less afraid the last two weeks but i do shake before i get into her office. i used to be able to show 5 minutes early but i can't do that anymore. i walk laps around the building until the absolute last minute because i don't want to panic.
I think that this part is simply your resistence kicking in. I always find my resistence to be such a funny thing. I usually arrive at my T's office about an hour before I go in (I'm just pathologically punctual :) ), but when we are in a particularly unpleasant phase, I really am flat out getting there on time. And each time I'm running late, there is an excellent reason usually caused by an outside force, so it's easy to say "Oh, that's not resistence, I just got held up by x". But it never happens outside of those yucky phases. The mind can be very sneaky indeed!
Re the panicing, that is only natural. I think a lot of people who have been previously abused use control as one of their main defenses. I know I do. Control my feelings. Control my actions. Control what I present to the outside world. It can be terrifying to let up that control. It's been in place for so long and is enforced so strongly, that I feel like I have no defenses at all without it. Very scary indeed.
poster:littleone
thread:410361
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041026/msgs/410682.html