Posted by Susan47 on August 24, 2005, at 1:57:03
In reply to Re:my love for T. » jadah, posted by bird in the sky on August 23, 2005, at 18:42:42
I was wrong you weren't physical.. but I'm thinking the feeling you have, and I had, at one time too, is about transference but I'm not sure if that's right.. because it seems to be more about attaching ourselves to someone we've made a love object out of. It's more about our own insecure boundaries, about wanting this person so much because maybe what we're actually wanting is someone to help us be complete.
It's as if, for me, something is missing of myself, some part of me always feels vulnerable and alone, and very tortured too.. and this man felt so safe and warm and wonderful, and I was so attracted to him on so many levels, that I just didn't even have to try to love him, it just naturally occurred .. and my boundaries are so open that I psychotically attached somehow. I don't know, that kind of feels like how it was. Strangely enough, though, I have to say that I LOVED the feeling of loving attachment, yet it caused me a great deal of pain as well, as I knew it was only I who felt that way, it was a symptom of my poor emotional condition and nothing more, really it was all in my head, the reality was mine but it could be shattered at any time.. and it often was, but I made it happen for myself again and again and again, because I absolutely felt so unbelievably low, so sick inside, if I didn't have the feeling that he was in my life and he would stay in it because.. I wanted him to love me, which I knew was stupid and I wasn't up to snuff in any case.. I just wasn't developed properly in too many ways.
That was a bad, bad feeling.
And I still get it sometimes, and I know I'm not loved back, because it wouldn't be healthy to feel that way about someone like me ... and that's okay, I just can't make it so that I feel any less of a person.
I loved loving him. I still do. And I love to look at him, and part of me is missing on the days I don't see him... which are all of them. One day, I hope this feeling of loss is no longer with me. The worst times are the hours near dusk; maybe I'm realizing that another day has been lived without him, I don't know what it is but I miss him so much at that time of day I could just die from the feeling. I want him near me, I want him touching me, I want him looking into my eyes and smiling, and wanting more of me as I want more of him.. I want not to be afraid of him. I want to be me, the real me, the me he'll never see. God, it hurts.
poster:Susan47
thread:267681
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/545958.html