Posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 14:09:12
In reply to adult onset self injury (long and ***trigger.***), posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 11:15:09
> This is a hard topic for me to post about, but I'm wondering if anyone else began self-injuring as an adult. Most of the stuff I've read about it says that it most often starts in adolescence, but I started bruising myself a few months ago. I don't do it often and in fact after the first two times, I stopped for weeks, but now the urges are so strong again and I've given in a few times the past two days.
>It is a hard topic to talk about, but if you get it out you'll feel better. I cut as a teen from anger and not being able to express any emotion too. I was raped, and my parent's were so ashamed of it that I wasn't allowed to get help, or express anything. I don't do it any more, but I carry intense shame from all of it.
> I've talked about it with my therapist....after the first time which was extremely impulsive I freaked and called her almost immediately. And I admitted that the urges are back, although she doesn't yet know that I'm doing it again. I plan on telling her next week. I have all the strategies in place to prevent it....distraction, exercise, a punching bag, calling or e-mailing her, but I'm amazed at how strong the feelings are.
It's good that you have those strategies in place and that you've been honest with your T. If you can't wait till next week, try to call her instead of acting on the urges. Are you on any meds? Maybe an anti anxiety would help?
> > I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm dealing with a lot of anger right now from my teenage years....I was the "perfect teen"....honors student, involved in lots of extra-curricular activities at church and school, no drinking, drugs, or sex, etc.....but I was never permitted to show any emotion other than happiness and there was plenty in my childhood and adolescence to be unhappy about. Anyway, I'm thinking that bringing all of that "teenage stuff" to the forefront has triggered this behavior in me, even though I'm well past the teenage years. I just finished reading "Bright Red Scream" and although I don't cut, a lot of the profile of a "typical cutter" resonated with me, especially the parts about not being permitted to show emotions.
Sounds like your insight is right on target. Whatever you do, try not to cut. There's no getting rid of the scars. The emotional scars from your past are reallly painful, and dealing with all of that really s*cks.
> I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for in posting about this....understanding and support, I guess....since it's not something you can bring up while hanging out at the playground, you know? "Yeah, it looks like a snow day tomorrow oh and by the way, have you ever jabbed your keys into your thigh hard enough to leave bruises?" I'm trying so hard to not feel like a freak about this and my therapist is so supportive, but I guess I need more.....Yeah, I wish we hung out at the same playground, so we could deal with it together. It does make you feel pretty all alone, doesn't it?
(((hugs)))
fw
poster:fairywings
thread:587287
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051206/msgs/587381.html