Posted by littleone on December 30, 2005, at 21:13:20
In reply to Re: Very bad/Very good session » littleone, posted by Tamar on December 30, 2005, at 11:10:12
> Gosh, I’m surprised you were able to do therapy at all after that!
I didn't feel like I had much of a choice. I'm always trying to be a good girl and good girls keep their appointments. It would have been very bad of me to leave. I know how wrong all that is, but it's how I feel inside.
Plus, I'm always wanting to do a runner. He's got it into me a bit now the fact that when I want to run is exactly when I shouldn't, that I need to stay at those times. But it's hard. I always seem to have such good reasons for wanting to leave.
> I remember one time my T was half an hour late for my appointment and by the time he arrived my mind had melted into a little purple puddle in the floor. I pretty much had to wipe it up with an imaginary cloth and shove it in my bag. After he finally arrived he said to me, “You seem very anxious today. Is that normal for you?” I wanted to say, “Well, I thought you’d completely forgotten about me, abandoned me or got fed up with me; of *course* I’m anxious.” But instead I just shrugged and thought of my liquid mind, still in my bag, making my wallet sticky. (Yeah, I’m weird.)Not weird at all. It's great to see how someone's mind works :)
And yeah, those abandonment fears were very strong for me. Especially because they were towards the front anyway with him about to go on leave.
Luckily (?) he can read me well enough to know there was more wrong than just the first nightmare. I'm able to admit to something being wrong now and I think after a lot of persuding from him I even managed to say it was because he wasn't there. But that was as far as I could take it. He was asking if I felt this or that or thought this or that, but it was too hard. I'm supposed to write about it, but blah. I can only do that if I really imagine it happening again and get right back into those feelings and obviously that's the last thing I want to do.
> But when he asked about the picture, that was really sweet. And yeah, I know what you mean about talking directly to the young part. I haven’t experienced my parts in quite the same way, but there were times when my T seemed to reach a part of me that I couldn’t reach myself, and the way you describe it, ‘bursting with happiness’: that makes so much sense to me. What a lovely moment. How wonderful for your young part to get his full attention and care like that. It’s very precious, isn’t it?Yeah, precious is a good word for it. Especially considering how rare it is. I certainly do not/have never gotten it from anywhere else. And he doesn't do it very often. I think because he believes that making me feel good or comforting me or whatever isn't going to make me better. That working me hard is kinder to me in the long run. So I'm not sure if it was a deliberate move on his part to give me that little precious moment because he was going away, or if it was something that would have happened anyway.
It was a much better gift than the pen he tried to give me. He wanted me to take it, but I wouldn't. The pen is bad for me. Plus I have his hanky which would do the same job as a pen anyway.
poster:littleone
thread:593135
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/593584.html