Posted by B2chica on January 5, 2006, at 11:52:59
i'm feeling sick.
i don't know how or if to say this but i;ll try.i finally told my T everything i remember (so far) about how 'mother' treated me growing up. some of the things she said or did hurt me, but there were other things that she did that were...'natural' for me. i thought that's what mothers did, or mostly i just didn't think there was anything wrong with what was happening. but i wrote this all out in a three page letter to my T anyway.
when i finally got the guts to let my T read it. he said she was grossly inappropriate at the least, physically and emotionally abusing me with having no boundries between her and i-that i was an extension of her and she was getting pleasure from that, and that what she was doing was sexual abuse and that if she were doing that today that she would be locked up for it.
i was numb when i left session last week and tues. we didn't really discuss it much. the other times she was hurting me and i didn't like it but didn't think anything of it, didn't think that it was wrong or anything.
today, i need to tell him, that, well. i think i might have encouraged it or something cuz...i well, think i liked it. i know i sound sick...but what she did felt comforting at times, like she cared about me. am i sick? is this wrong?
where can i find information about mothers abusing their daughters? is this for real? do mothers do this?
could i have over exaggerated? are these memories for real? they won't go away now.
and now i can't stand taking a shower. i absolutely hate it. it's always been a little bad but the last few months have been getting worse and now, the only reason i hate getting out of bed is because i have to take a shower. what should i do?i think i need some babble advice or at least comforting words. i feel so terribly wrong. if i weren't pumped up on so many drugs i think i'd be suicidal.
i have to tell him. i must. but i feel so degraded, i feel like slime, like i'm an offender by, god help me, having liked it.
poster:B2chica
thread:595458
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/595458.html