Posted by littleone on January 9, 2006, at 15:30:05
In reply to Re: My Comfort Book » littleone, posted by daisym on January 9, 2006, at 14:51:23
> I feel really bad that your therapist is going away longer than you expected. It does seem that those mundane issues like scheduling are the things that rock the boat the most.
I really don't think I can handle his leave this time. I just can't do it. We've tried to talk a bit about what he can do to make it easier, but it's just too hard for me to stick with the discussion for very long. I have his hanky and we talked about him leaving a note with me. But when he wrote one out I didn't like it at all and it just made me pull right back and suck back into my shell. I have a lot of trouble asking for anything or accepting anything from people, so it was a huge risk just to ask him for the letter. To tell him what I need in it is just too much.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't use back up T's while he's away, so I'm pretty sure I should just find another T to see for those few weeks. Just ask them for some short term support. Knowing my luck they'll kick me out when they realise I'll be going back to him afterwards. The whole not seeing 2 T's at a time thing.
I'm supposed to see my T again on Wed and Fri, then he leaves. And I know I *should*. But I also know that I won't have anything written for him. And I'll be so far in my shell I won't utter a word. And a limping along vegetable session is the very last thing I need now.
> And I can't believe someone stole your flowers. The world is a sad place when someone needs to do something like that.Why would someone do that? I can't imagine any girlfriend wanting a flower from an old accident site. Drunken yobbos just vandalising stuff? But it's not like spraypainting someone's fence. They must know that they're hurting someone by doing that. I just don't understand.
I was so upset. I thought about putting some more flowers there and leaving a note saying I cut and I'm s and unstable. Please don't take my flowers. But then I thought that if it's kids or whatever, that's almost an invitation for them to keep doing it over and over. Other kids have never liked me.
> But the sentiment and message you were sending is still intact and understood. Do you want to say more about this anniversary? I know these times are extra special hard.
I can't. I asked my T again why we've never tried to deal with the accident stuff. If he's just planning to leave it long enough til it goes away. I forget his exact words, but he basically said that I've been too unstable and wouldn't be able to handle it. That our first priority is to I guess build up some more ego strength eg liking myself and understanding myself. So even after 2 years of fairly intensive therapy, I'm still to distressed to work on this stuff. That alone was enough to depress me.
> You are not invisible, at least not to me.That's a nice thing to say.
> I know that posting on a weekend can sometimes result in late replies but I bet a number of people saw your idea and thought it was a great one.
No it's not just that. None of my threads get much response. I've never received a single babblemail. After more than a year I still wouldn't have anyone here I would consider a friend. I can disappear for long periods and no one notices. I know some reasons for all those things and I keep telling myself them. But inside all I feel is people don't like me.
> I've started gathering things for mine already. We should compare when you are feeling a bit better.
Are you really doing one? It would be nice to compare.
> I don't wish you were dead. I hope very soon you don't wish that either. Please check in here soon so I know you are doing OK.Don't worry, I won't off myself. I don't have the balls. I just wish I could cease to exist. I really liked it in "The Myth of Sanity" how that person just kind of wished themselves dead so their heart stopped.
poster:littleone
thread:596313
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/597192.html