Posted by Tamar on May 24, 2006, at 18:43:58
In reply to Tamar where are you?????????????????????????, posted by happyflower on May 23, 2006, at 17:43:18
> I miss you so much and I am worried about you, please come out and just say Hi, okay? ((((((((((((((((((((((((Tamar)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Thanks for thinking of me Happyflower. I've been avoiding the computer for nearly a month. Life is hard here, and I'm crap at communicating when I'm really depressed... And from what I've just read you're having a tough time too. (((((Happyflower)))))
Tomorrow is my evil anniversary. It is now 18 years since those guys raped me. Half my life. When I look back I realise I was just a kid really. I thought I was so grown-up but I was still at school. I’ve spent half my life wishing it would just go away, but I know now that it won’t. I need to find ways to live with it.
And I fell out with one of my closest friends, and my husband is a dork and my therapist is resisting my attempts to turn him into my father and the prozac has taken away all my sexual impulse and I've put on 20 pounds in three months and now my H-cup bra is too small and I need a J....
Sorry for the pity party.
By the way, I just read about your therapist and his lack of response to your calls, and it occurred to me that perhaps he's ethically prohibited from calling you. I imagine (though I don't know for sure) that therapists aren't allowed to try to contact clients who have quit therapy, because of course the therapist stands to gain financially if you return to therapy. And also, from a theoretical perspective, if he called you it might encourage you to believe that he could solve your problems, whereas in fact he can only help you find ways to solve them for yourself. So that might explain his lack of response.
I find it hard to believe that he doesn't care about you; after all, you're a lovely person and all right-thinking people should care about you. But you did mention something about tightening the boundaries, and I think you might be onto something there. Maybe he realises he let the boundaries slip a little too far. I'm all for encouraging flexibility with boundaries, but there needs to be a great deal of honesty from both sides, and I suspect he was enjoying your company without admitting to himself what he was getting out of it. And at the same time it was very hard for you to talk to him about your desires for a social relationship. And then you did talk to him about it and he said he wouldn’t do it, but somehow I got the impression it wasn’t entirely resolved (maybe I’m wrong about that… only you can know).
I happen to think that a mutual attraction in therapy can be very helpful for the therapy process and it can take you to places you couldn’t reach if there were no attraction. But it’s also very painful because neither of you can give each other the love you want to express. If he’s a good therapist, he should be able to accept and value your love for him without taking advantage of you, and help you to find fulfilling love in other areas of your life. And that’s gotta be hard for him if he’s attracted to you. But the best way for him to express his love for you is by prioritising your therapy above his wishes for a more social relationship. And I guess that means keeping the boundaries in place and not calling you when you’ve quit.
I know what I’m saying is rather counter-intuitive. It must feel as if he doesn’t care about you. But actually I think that by not calling he’s showing that he cares about you enough to respect your point of view and your feelings and your integrity as a person.
I’m sure if you decide you want to work with him again he’d be delighted to take you back as a client. But that’s up to you. The only thing I’d say is: by all means give up on him if you think it’s necessary. Just don’t give up on yourself.
Love,
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:647444
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/648008.html