Posted by Tamar on May 25, 2006, at 19:31:39
In reply to Also Tamar, posted by orchid on May 25, 2006, at 13:48:16
Hi Orchid
I know that you are right: I am better when I participate more. And not just in Babble but in other friendships and social activities as well.
I’m not sure whether the lack of involvement leads me to become more depressed or (as I suspect) whether being more depressed causes me to withdraw from involvement with people.
One of the difficulties I’ve been having recently is that I had a big argument with one of my best friends about a month ago. I haven’t spoken to her since, and at the same time I’ve found it hard to speak to any of my other friends, IRL and at Babble and everywhere really. I’m not angry at her, but I’m afraid that she (or anyone else) might hurt me very badly. I don’t think she realises I’m avoiding her; she’s very busy and has called me a couple of times and left a message, but she knows I’m crap at returning phone calls. I hope she doesn’t realise I’m avoiding her, but she has no reason to suspect that I might be. I guess I worry that if she could hurt me (and she knows me very well), maybe other people could hurt me too.
After the argument I cut myself quite a bit… more than before. And I realised that she didn’t mean to hurt me, but that I over-react and feel terribly hurt at things that are really quite trivial. But because I find it so difficult to control the impulse to hurt myself, it’s easier for me to close myself down and to avoid human contact. It’s silly, really; and irrational. But I often feel overwhelmed by contact with people when I’m depressed.
I don’t want to withdraw, but I feel so unsafe and so out of control. I never know how I’m going to react to anything, and I’m trying so hard not to cut myself. Some of the cuts from last month still haven’t healed. And my therapist is so distant at the moment… Well, that’s a whole other topic!
Thanks for your thoughts!
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:647444
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/648581.html