Posted by muffled on July 25, 2007, at 9:07:58
In reply to triggers galore » OzLand, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 25, 2007, at 7:57:33
> *****there are some serious self-injury suicide triggers below*****beware all ye who enter here****
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> Old pdoc told me to send him an email every now and then, just to check in and make sure that my life is ticking along. I doubt this is the kind of consultation he had in mind. I have boundaries in my head. high walls, see?**I understand the walls :-(
I also understand that old p-doc likely DOES care about your progress. He worked hard with you and no doubt would like to see you succeed.
He may also just have a scientific interest as well.
Maybe more so than some emotional plea thing, you would allow yourself to send him a true update just on scientific principles? so that he might learn more about the effects of eg. geodon, and also apply that knowledge to others...?
> I have a little plan. I will ask pdoc if I can either 1) decrease geodon (NOT likely) 2) increase provigil (reasoning: I'm already taking in about 500mg of caffeine a day and still in quasi-zombie state) 3) decrease geodon while increasing klonopin (concern being that simply increasing klonopin would make me comatose. I actually DO have some things to do, related to writing some manuscript for publication and ongoing experiments, believe it or not.)**Ummmm, mebbe this isn't the thing to do, but maybe you can somehow SLOWLY tweak them yoursef? or is it capsules and hard to split? I actually find it a bit odd that a doc would not listen to what you have to say about your meds. You are knowledgeable now by direct experience...
> And my compliance comes from my (often blind) faith that pdockery will make me better. It has so often in the past. I don't want to burn that bridge of optimism. I schluck my pills everymorning with the glimmer of hope... today will be better. today will be better.
**keep those eyes open LL. Seems these psychtropic meds take time to have effect, BUT, also its like crazymaking finding the right drug for the right person, and I think p-docs need to listen carefully to what their clients have to say...
And IMHO today may not be better. But you may have a nice moment or two. Tomorrow may be horrible, but the next day may have some good points...and so on. For me, life is rather up and down....
Hope you can scramble outta the pit some soon.> And it's not. I just lay in bed for an hour with active plots in my head and sudden realization of a sharp instrument overlooked. And THAT was reassuring. Yesterday was the first day that I actually self-injured with the intention of drawing serious amounts of blood. went near my big elbow vein. I got a giant vein there. but my instrument was too dull. But I don't want to go to the hospital. I can't bring myself to call T or pdoc. I just want to bleed and then slap a bandaid on it and call it a day of accomplishment. Sick.
**well, the SI is a physical show of mental sh*t going on...
and...well...please be careful, if you DO cut a vein, its astonishing how the blood will flow...a steristrip is NOT enuf, it DOES need a stitches (internal) and external stitches to shut the wound.Vein walls are rubbery and tough, and a clean cut does not clot well :-( PLEASE be safe. You know I am a veteran SI'er so please heed me on this.
Can you say to yourself that if you feel bad enuf to go after veins, that then you are bad off enuf that you need to call SOMEone and let them know whats going on?
And if your sick, then we sick together. I don't think its so much sick as sad, cuz its a sign of pain, and I wish you weren't feeling that way :-(
(OMG I just re read this and I sound JUST like my T...weird, I NEVER understood B4 what she was meaning, whoah, I feel a little dizzy...)> And the only thing keeping me through the day is the intellectual and social stimulation of pbabble. and perhaps a walk to the pond later on. No appetite. I bet I flunk the CES-D in the 50's again. that might kill some time. Why not try THAT.
**I hate those stupid depression tests. I have never been NOT depressed according to the beck depression inventory. I think if a person was to score not depressed they'd have to be nuts!(pardon my pun...)
Just keep on trucking LL.
You will come out of this.
You a special one LL. Doubt you'll hear that, but i gotta try.
And don't worry, I'm not freaked out. I just care bout you is all. Another thing my T has taught me is about comming alongside a person, and not getting swallowed up in their pain.
(((LL)))
Muffled
poster:muffled
thread:771145
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/771854.html