Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on July 22, 2007, at 14:28:29
dunno what's happening to me. my mind is shutting down. too much anti-psychotics and stress? Like a thick white blanket. obliterating memories from only a few days ago. Who did I tell what? Where am I going. Where have I been?
I close my eyes but do not sleep. and the images are tempting to call dreams but they're not. Out of my body. examining cold corners of my mind with clinical imprecision. building high walls.
Out in the real world I sent my uncle a long e-mail. That means that all my immediate relatives know of my struggles... to some degree. I didn't have much choice, because I had to bow out of going to a large family get-together at the last moment. knowing that the previous gettogether prompted a very maladaptive response. Shell of polite southern grace and poise cracking with rash and inappropriate jokes. strange looks. who is this creature. I cannot afford to attempt such a staged personality at this point. It's all I can do to maintain a sense of normalacy as I drift from the bed to the couch and back. occasionally to the computer in a medicated stupor.
clinical thoughts of the condition of the LlurpsieNoodle have me observing myself like some horrific species of sloth that eats foetid meat. imagining doing autopsies on said sloth. etc. And the the blanket is pulled down. no more thoughts of that. When thought ceases what then? And then I emerge from my stupor and behold a horizontal surface of trinkets and try to clear it off. Sisyphus efforts. Never to find peace.
my head hurts.
-Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:771145
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/771145.html