Posted by Wittgenstein on September 14, 2007, at 2:25:36
In reply to Re: Nightmares and Parents **triggers** » Wittgenstein, posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on September 12, 2007, at 7:35:24
Thank you for your replies.
" I too have been abused by my mother and sometimes I think it is the worse of all evils. "
*** HF, it is a comfort to know there are others out there (although I would never wish this on anyone). I'm so sorry you went through this too. You are very courageous to have found a way to break free from her. How awful it took such a terrible thing to give you the strength.
I think cutting contact is what I need to do but it will be difficult - it might well mean cutting contact with the entire family. I can't bear the thought of being there with her in October.
For all these years, I've held onto hope in a way (I think I needed to as at times I felt I might just disappear). I always saw myself as to blame, that's what I was told and taught - and I believed that maybe I could do something to change the situation - if it's my fault, then it's within me to change things. I have one brother and he gets on well with my mother. She explodes at him at times but not often - she isn't violent toward him. He was always her perceived 'role model' to whom I never managed to live up - it didn't matter what I did. He helped in 'disciplining' me. Together they refer to me as 'the stupid child' (even now at 22 they still call me this).
I don't know what's normal and what's not - that makes me sound awful.
I just finished reading a book by Dr. Christine Lawson called "Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping her children transcend the intense , unpredictable, and volatile relationship". It's opened my eyes - I hadn't realised half the things that went on were even 'wrong'. It's also brought back too many painful things that I'd 'forgotten'. I needed to read a book like this but now I don't know what to do. I feel so sad and broken. I cried so much yesterday. Now my throat is sore and I have a throbbing head. I feel like I'm already dead.
In an hour I will go to therapy. I mentioned in a mail to him that I'd read this book. I told him I was scared he'd disapprove. I'm still terrified he doesn't believe me or thinks I deserved it or that I'm a 'drama queen'. All I can think now is to give up - I think I have given up in fact. I want to tidy up and say goodbye. I'm not sure how else to ever find peace.
I need to tell this to my T but a big part of me wants to thank him for his efforts and bid him farewell.
I'm sorry, this is too heavy.
Thank you for the suggestions - including the books.
Witti
poster:Wittgenstein
thread:782384
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070904/msgs/782809.html