Posted by 10derHeart on June 5, 2008, at 18:09:02
In reply to Re: b2c:My Verbal Abuse PaperExcited-Apprehensive, posted by sassyfrancesca on June 5, 2008, at 15:17:02
It's so true, and even after childhood is technically "over," words can be devastating and lasting. Most of the damage I think I suffered that eventually contributed to so much depression/anxiety and brought me to therapy, was suffered as a young adult, beginning with my mom's death from cancer, and then a series of unhealthy relationships. In fact, my childhood was awesome, and working with T's, we have never really noticed a connection to anything that happened to me before age 19. But the adult things that were said and done....are *so* clearly connected to present distrust, fear, fragile self-esteem, self-hatred...blah, blah, you all know the list...
An example - in my 2nd marriage, to a man who turned out to be emotionally, physically and verbally abusive, we were arguing one time, and I walked over and put my hand on his shoulder. He said with a cold look and in the iciest tone I'd ever heard, "don't come near me, when you touch me I want to be sick and it feels like you're burning my skin." So what, right? I was an adult and a mom by then, and I was starting to "get" that he was a very disturbed individual. Why not just chalk it up to mean things said during fights?
Probably some could have forgotten it immediately, and later thought, "hah! consider the source." But nope, not me. We're all made differently inside, with different tender points, I think, and we never know when something like this will sink deep in and stay. This remark was made over 20 years ago, and to this day it haunts me. When I get into certain relationships (don't have to be romantic/sexual - any kind), I feel I should be asking the person all the time, "am I making you sick? "Can I hug you...or it is wrong/bad/stupid? I'm not repulsive, am I? Are my emotions making you sick? When are you going to reject me?" Or, I want to apologize - constantly - for everything I say and do around showing my feelings, especially around any touching, just casual even, because if I'm doing it, it MUST be wrong or inappropriate somehow.
It's been so clear in the most recent 3.5 year relationship with my T. (just concluded as I moved away) as I got closer and trusted him more. I remember tapping him on the shoulder once to get his attention, or be funny or something, as we were walking out of his office, and next 2 or more sessions were devoted to picking that tiny gesture apart. Sure, any kind of touching of your T., however tiny and casual, can be highly charged, but this was such obvious transference as I swore I harmed him, us, the relationship, that I was "stupid" "weird" and so forth, all things I'd probably been told over and dover by my ex.
When I was seeing T. still, and even now as we stay in touch by email, I *still" feel I should ask those kinds of questions, and that somehow, some day, I will disgust him, or harm him, or that there is some secret, bad thing I'm *doing* to him by feeling and expressing affection and caring. I really think most all of that stems from this bad marriage so long ago (as well as some other incidents with other men.) He was/is wonderful about reinforcing the opposite "truths" and letting me see closeness and caring can be treasured and appreciated and I am NOT some agent of pain. But it is an incredibly slow process to unlearn this - even if it was inflicted as an adult.
That dumb rhyme, "Sticks and stones....." ought to be changed to:
"Sticks and stones can break my bones,
But words can ALWAYS hurt me! - so DON'T SAY CRUEL THINGS WITHOUT THINKING, DA*&IT!!"Sorry. Ranting. Great thread. Glad you wrote the paper, sassy - it's a really important topic.
poster:10derHeart
thread:832918
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080524/msgs/833177.html