Posted by DAisym on June 13, 2008, at 15:18:29
In reply to Re: Restless, posted by antigua3 on June 13, 2008, at 8:48:13
It is really good to see you here - I'm sorry for the bad stuff and hope the good stuff is on the rise.
Being needy remained the topic of the week. We talked a lot about loving feelings and what a double edge sword they are. To love your therapist feels great - those feelings of warmth and sheer thankfulness that fill you up with grateful tears. And I love that I feel protected and special to him. But then those other feelings creep up - wanting more, as in more contact and feeling jealous of all his other clients and his family and his friends...etc. I told him this week that I was irritated that the couch pillows were rearranged - it is my couch, Da&* it! And then I told him that I really don't want him to starve to death, so I did understand why he had to have other clients.
He understands the pain but says that it seems to him that we can't do the work we need to do without being so powerfully connected. That I need to feel safe and protected, in order to tell the stories and feel all these old feelings. But he expresses again the limits of our relationship and his wish that I create a community of support for myself, outside of therapy. Perhaps it takes all this pain to motivate the change? He does a pretty good job of letting me know that my feelings are all OK, and that he doesn't expect me to "out grow" them without giving me any false expectations. It is just that knowing I can feel this way highlights even more how alone I am. I want to feel this way for someone who can feel the same way back.
I ended up in such a bad place during Wed session that I was literally hysterical. In 5 years of therapy, I think I've only done that one other time. In talking about it yesterday, my therapist said these are the core feelings that I've avoided for such a long time and they are very, very painful and shocking. And as much as I know that I need to go through all of this to heal, I'm resisting with my protector part. And that protector part is all about pulling in and hiding, and not allowing any help. Caring about someone and allowing them to care for and help me, sets off the warning bells for this part because I was so badly betrayed before. Loving someone is perilous. This is not new, we've been through all of this before. It is just deeper this time and harder to push away.
Interestingly, I've always been one to strike up conversations with strangers. And in my work life, I am busy and surrounded by people every day. I guess I am ready for a personal life- but yes, it is very scary.
It makes sense to look at therapy needs as different than other needs - I never really thought of it that way before. Needs feel all tangled up sometimes - and way too much for anyone to handle.
I'm really trying to sort all this out, but truthfully I feel pretty small right now and want to just hide under my therapist's desk. I told him I was writing a story about a barnacle and only he would know it was really a memoir.
poster:DAisym
thread:834089
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080524/msgs/834472.html