Posted by raisinb on July 24, 2008, at 22:05:25
Just when I was doing so well, my therapist told me today she's pregnant again. This means she'll be leaving for six weeks and I won't know how she is or what is happening to her. It also means I'll see visible evidence of how that will happen sooner and sooner, every session. I'll have the same flood of conflicting feelings I had the first time--jealous of her for being pregnant--and worse, jealous of the *baby* for having her as a mother (literally, I had the immediate thought, what if she has a girl?)--feeling like I want to crawl into her lap and hang onto her so she won't go and won't stop caring about me.
It means I'll be worrying the whole time whether she's sick, or tired, or otherwise not really wanting to be in session with me. I know it's not logical, but I am ashamed because it what right does a 33 year old woman not part of her family have to feel all this stuff? I'll feel guilty talking about it, because it is something so personal to her and it can't help but make her feel weird. And I can't help but picture her doing this processing with all her clients. Also, something might happen to her--not likely but possible--and she will never be back then.
I *so* did not want to deal with all this stuff. I feel lonely and sad but I don't want to call, even though she strongly urged me to if I needed to, and I don't want to go to the next session, because I don't want to confront it and I know she will want to talk about it. All I did today was remain silent and try not to cry, even though she was telling me it was okay the whole time. I felt like a jerk for crying over something that she must be happy about. She was nice. She said she didn't want me walking out of there thinking she didn't care, because she did. And that if I needed just to hear that, I could call her. In a way that makes it worse, because I can't be mad at her, and all that's left is feeling sad and scared.
There is an upside. I realized that I didn't even think about quitting. I would've automatically decided to a year ago, even six months. Which might mean I'm learning to commit, and trust, which I didn't think I could do. I am proud of myself. But I still do not want to deal with any of this. Guess I said that already :)
poster:raisinb
thread:841886
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080709/msgs/841886.html