Posted by Lemonaide on July 29, 2008, at 17:47:18
I told him I was sorry for taking out all my anger on him when a lot of it was due to my ex T. He was really good about it. He still tried to say he has a busy schedule, etc. Then I said well I can celled all my appointments with him until Sept, surly he could use one of those. ;-)
He has agreed this has all have gone on too long and he sees how I am frusterated. He is going to call him and see if he can meet in the morning, if he is a morning person. I said, well he gets up at 5:30 makes a cup of mint tea and reads the paper, takes a sh*t, takes a shower and gets dressed, leaves at 9am, arrives at the office at 9:20 and takes the first client at 10am. I then asked him if I should know all of this? Then I told him that I don't want to know when you take a sh*t. He was laughing, because this is me being me of course. I said I won't make an appointment till I know he has a chance to meet with my old T. He said he would call me tomorrow. Good thing is that he can drive now.
Man, what an emotional day. It doesn't help that I took one of those big sleeping pills last night. Keeps me sleepy all day afterwards. Tonight I will take the smaller dose.
So I feel a little better with taking a stand, it got my T's attention for sure. But I am sorry for taking my anger out on his while doing it, he told me I didn't need to leave such a huge apology on his phone machine. Well I felt sorry for what I did and explained it.
Thinking more on my anger, I get like this when I feel like I have no control over anything, like when I was abused. I felt like I couldn't talk to my old T without him talking to current T. What am I a child? I can talk for myself and tell him myself how my therapy is going. Then to wait and wait till my current T sets up an appointment to see my old T. Then after he talks to him, I still might not get to talk to him if my current T thinks it will just hurt me more if my old T is defensive. He maybe really defensive now after I said I was going to talk to my lawyer. I am sure I won't get a truth out of him that might get him in any kind of trouble. So the whole thing might just be a waist of energy now. Thanks to me and my anger.
I really hate that I identify with the results of a child growing up with abuse. I hate that I see myself as one of those people. It is so sad and I am so angry that I have a condition because of what happened to me in the past. Sure it wasn't my fault, but wreak of a life now, is my only life I have, and if you mess up, you are doomed forever. Most people are not forgiving and will ignore you forever, hold judgments, etc. Even if they too, have a mental condition that makes them act in not so perfect ways. So I feel doomed here, and everywhere. I think forgiveness and acceptance is s myth, some do forgive, but a lot do not. I have seen it, I have lived it, everywhere I go.
poster:Lemonaide
thread:842902
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/842902.html