Posted by Daisym on August 2, 2008, at 17:03:07
In reply to Re: talking about your childhood in therapy » antigua3, posted by onceupon on August 2, 2008, at 14:12:38
I think it totally depends on the issue that brought you to therapy as to whether your childhood stuff is important. For example: if you go in because you seem to have an inability to get to work on time, you may want to explore what you are doing that makes you late, what you might be afraid of at work, etc. These things may lead back to a childhood pattern but there are ways to take corrective actions quickly without going there.
On the other hand, if most of the reasons you are going to therapy are relationship based - including your relationship with yourself - I think how you came to be who you are is certainly important. I can tell you as a parent, I often wonder what my kids will say about me when they are on the couch at 40. But all parents make mistakes, it is part of the human condition that we hurt our kids and make mistakes. Acknowledging the humanness of our parents and their mistakes does not make them all bad or take away their love and their good intentions. These are pieces of the puzzle of who you are. So while guilt is understandable, it is often misplaced. Therapy is a safe place to say all the things you'd never say to them because the truth is they did a "good enough" job and loved you. You don't want to hurt them - you want to work on the truth of how their choices shaped you. Of course, some of us had parents who really did harm us intentionally, and those are whole different childhood issues. Growing up is just really hard work, with lots of painful moments that live in us. Working through them can be helpful but not always.
I'm also struck by the comment of wanting to do therapy one way and the therapist wanting to do it another. While I really believe in client directed therapy, I think we are also paying the therapist for their expertise and their help in pacing and in looking at stuff that we might not want to look at. Otherwise, the intellectual process you embarked on alone would have been sufficient. I think trust goes both ways and you'll have to ask yourself if you trust your therapist to help you hold really painful feelings. Therapy isn't always necessarily supposed to feel good - there should be some pressure and some fear and fear of the unknown. Not an overwhelming amount - "optimal frustration" which promotes change. It is a very large order for the therapist - security and frustration roled into a relationship package.
Children learn within the context of relationships. I believe adults do too - the courage to change and grow and risk is often supported by another person. In families, there is no support for change (usually) because it distrupts the family system, and systems resist change mightly. This is why even the most well meaning family support is different from theraputic support. In therapy, change is expected, along with all the growing pains.
And I have to say, I don't know if I could work like I work in therapy if I didn't go often. I'm not under so much pressure to get to this or that because I know I'm coming back soon. Very few people have this luxury though, I know.
Good discussion...
poster:Daisym
thread:843520
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080727/msgs/843760.html