Posted by Trotter on January 20, 2009, at 14:39:28
In reply to Re: My so-called family, posted by sassyfrancesca on January 20, 2009, at 9:34:06
Hi Sassyfrancesca,
Thank you so much for sharing your own experiences.
I agree with you that further confrontation on this issue is unlikely to produce genuine remorse. I have brought it up with them on two occasions. The first time they just got angry and wouldn't even talk about it. The second time I went in very angry and the shock of my anger stunned them enough to at least listen to what I had to say, or at least for my father to listen, my mother simply walked out and went to bed. Not emotional, just walked away because she did not want to deal with the situation.
However my father's subsequent letter, after reading the book I sent them, was basically a rejection of my allegations. My mother did not even bother to look at the book.
I believed before the first confrontation, and still believe it now, that the only basis for us to have a meaningful relationship is for them to admit and feel remorse for their past neglect. My strategy was to confront them with the evidence and destroy all their defences until they were forced to confront the reality that they had caused deep suffering in their children, and specifically me. Once they were suffering from guilt and remorse, then it would allow me to feel sorrow for their emotional suffering, intentionally, but justifiably caused by me. We could then pick up the pieces and learn to forgive each other, and have newfound respect and love for each other for making the effort, courage and commitment to go through the heartwrenching process.
That was my strategy. Before I began to the process I did not give myself much chance of success, because I know who they are as people, and felt they were unlikely to get it, or admit it even if they did get it. People's psychological defences can be very strong when faced with unspeakable horror of the truth. It is much more comfortable to live with the lie. However I decided to give it a try because I felt we had no meaningful relationship as it was, so what did I really have to lose?
Now I am faced with the reality that I have twice confronted them with this and failed. I believe my father could possibly be convinced, firstly because he is a rational man, secondly because he genuinely does want to fix the problem, and thirdly, because he is not the one who has done the most emotional damage, so has a much smaller demon to confront.
My mother is an entirely different situation. She is the unloving mother, the one who has emotionally crippled her sons (I appreciate it wasn't intentional, but that doesn't change the fact). She is stubborn, dominates my father, walks away (literally) from any argument when it is not going her way, and has no appreciation of what love and attachment really is. Honestly, she really doesn't. I remember one Xmas, my elder brother rang to say his long term girlfriend would not be coming to the family gathering because they had broken up. My mother thought it was quite amusing that he always had bust-ups at Xmas. You see his ex-wife (different rship) had left him before Xmas on another year. I was horrified that a mother's first emotional reaction on hearing the news was to think it was funny. It said so much about her lack of attachment and concern for her children.
I am in the position now where I need to decide to pursue my strategy of confronting them with the truthin order to achieve remorse and then proceed to forgiveness, or give it up as a hopeless strategy.
So thank you for your sharing post sassyfrancesca, it has helped me reach a decision. I do not believe I have any real prospect of getting any genuine remorse from my mother. She is not interested in improving our relationship, it is not in her nature to admit to any weakness or failing, she is old and set in her ways, the enormity of the guilt she would have to embrace to accept the truth is too big, etc etc. So, like your mother, I think she will continue to deny.
Where to from here for me? I just need to accept that my parents are the way they are and there is nothing I can do about it. I don't see any value in trying to punish them for this, regardless of whether they deserve it. This will only prevent me from forgiving them and delay letting go of my anger. I need to make excuses for them, that they did not intentionally cause me harm, so that I can forgive them, without them being at all involved in the process. My therapist can help with this. Equally, I don't see much value in investing time and effort into improving my relationship with my mother. I will look for love and understanding elsewhere in my life.
So, once more, thank you sassyfrancesca for your post. It really did help. You have been very courageous and successful (as one can be) dealing with your family past and going forward to live productively, and I admire you for that.
Trotter
poster:Trotter
thread:875095
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20090109/msgs/875176.html