Posted by katia on May 27, 2003, at 0:55:17
In reply to Re: Cutting, looking for answers.... McPac, posted by Eggy on May 26, 2003, at 0:55:36
> I cut. I have a BIG problem with it. It's harder in the summer because I like to cut my arms and I can't hide it. Why do I do it? Because all day long I have to act "normal"...like I feel good. My pain gets locked up inside. I cut because it feels good. Because it FEELS! I'm not allowed to feel. I don't know how to. It's an endorphin thing my therapist says. I go all day like a zombie faking smiles and doing the mom thing. It's like a runners high. Except I get more out of it. I get to see that I am real. I see the blood and feel the pain so I know I am a real person.
>
> I hate it though. I wish I could do it without the scars. Without anyone knowing. Without regreting it later. Because I always regret it after I see the scabs.yes, it's soooo powerful when there is lack of expression. the pain is locked up and it's like you are living two separate lives and the more you hide it , the crazier you get! I totally get that! Fortunately, or unfortr. for me I explode and then crash eventually with someone listening. But in between is definitely the self-mutilation.
god, this is such an archaic time we live in regarding mental "illness".
I feel for you.
katia
poster:katia
thread:228095
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030517/msgs/229347.html