Posted by AMD on March 12, 2005, at 2:45:28
After two years of abstinence from cocaine and alcohol, I've slipped twice in the past two weeks with a five-six hour binge. Have I just undone two years of recovery (from a recreation habit of once-to-twice weekly use)?
I went out Wednesday night, drank too much (not exactly to the point of blackout, but I was certainly trashed), and did who-knows how much cocaine.
Well, after two days of severe depression, I'm sitting here in bed feeling so bad, freaking out over my brain and thinking I'll be mentally retarded for the rest of my life, unable to concentrate and depressed. God, can two uses of heavy cocaine do this?
Maybe I OD'd? Would I know it if it'd happened?
I have a horrible headache, too, but I wonder if that is from slight caffeine withdrawl.
I want to quit this now, and I'm so disappointed in myself. Yet I'm freaking out here that I'm about to have a spontaneous stroke or something, or that my brain, despite not taking the drug, is slowly tearing itself apart inside. Am I recovering right now, just by quitting the drug. Is this the best course? Should I go to the hospital or something? I just feel tired and depressed, but I'm so freaked out.
Can two binges cause permanent damage? Is there anything I can take to help me "wake up" from this?
I'm scared too that it was cut with something. Cyanide? Amphetamines? Ugh -- I heard the latter is extremely bad for you. Am I going to recover?
Dammit -- is my nose going to start bleeding regularly now?
I hate drugs and alcohol, and yet my memory seems to erase all the bad times and make me think I can take them again. Ugh.
Yes I'm rambling here -- I feel horrid and don't want to review before posting this. God, even my writing is out of control. I'm usually quite organized and logical. Oh no! Is that gone now? :-(
I'm already on Celexa and Lamictal for Bipolar II, and I've been popping a Geodon once a day for three days thinking this might help calm me, but it doesn't seem to be working.
I'm going back to bed.
Help!
amd
poster:AMD
thread:469951
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20050129/msgs/469951.html