Posted by Estella on July 30, 2006, at 8:52:20
:-O
I've been smoking (maybe 30 a day) for the last 14 years. Didn't start at 30 a day, but I smoke a lot, I guess. I've been thinking about giving up for a while... But thinking about it makes me feel anxious and when I feel anxious I cope with the anxiety by having a cigarette.
Day before yesterday (in the afternoon at the pub) I kind of made the decision (after a few drinks lol). Managed to delay an urge for 20 minutes.
Had 7 yesterday (hangover helped a lot).
Had 10 today (and chain smoked three in the evening so I was doing really very well up until then). Tomorrow... Aim for less than 10. The plan is to just do that slowly. I've been really good. At the pub even when others are smoking.Now I just need to watch my alcohol and food consumption. Really don't want to put on more weight... If I start drinking water instead of coke (and alchohol lol) then should be okay.
Can't wait for my skin to clear up and for me to stop hacking up stuff and for me to smell and feel better :-)
What I am noticing though is that I do smoke in response to anxiety. Social anxiety in particular. I remember back to when I started smoking. I don't think I smoked to be cool exactly, but I guess I did smoke for social acceptance. Instant friends. Instant topic of conversation. Drugs is the same saga I suppose. When I feel a little anxious I can go outside for a cigarette. Others may come or they may not, but it is something I do in response to anxiety. It is hard now knowing what to do...
Went out to dinner the other night and I felt like I was having LSD flashbacks. I have trouble with eating / drinking around other people. Awkwardness. Other peoples evaluation. Managed to breathe my way through a couple of panic attacks. I'm doing okay but I realise... I feel fragile quite a lot. And I guess it is fairly obvious that I am fragile. And in a way... I kind of want people to know so they are careful. But then I want to get better so I don't do that. Sure it does mean that some people are careful, but it also means that other people target, and of course healthier people... Well... I think of it as a defect. I guess I'm a fairly intense person. Cope better with an intense conversation with one than I cope with social banter in a large group. Pretty scared of people really... Do awkward stuff. I guess what I get out of an intense conversation is some kind of reassurance. I need to get stronger and better at giving that to myself. I Get recurrent thoughts: 'they don't want me around and they wish I'd just f*ck off'. Round and round my head. Just keep on popping up and occuring to me. I know to distract myself and take some breaths and smile and stuff... But it is hard. I think maybe it is harder because of trying to stop with the smoking? Maybe because I'm trying to be more social too...
When people are nice to me sometimes I just want to cry.
poster:Estella
thread:671977
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20060727/msgs/671977.html