Posted by scratchpad on March 30, 2007, at 11:13:50
In reply to Re: Are your spouses supportive?, posted by antigua on March 30, 2007, at 10:06:47
> It's such a good question, but there are no easy answers.
>
> I have a great husband in many ways, we've been together for many years and been through a lot. i have to say he is the only one that I can truly trust; he has stood by me through some pretty atrocious behavior on my part and would never leave me.
>
> That said, he wants nothing to do with my csa issues; doesn't want to know what they are. he just hates my father, which means I can't talk about any of it with him. He's blinded when it comes to this, a weakness of his.
> As to the addiction, he sends mixed messages. he has been told by my Pdoc and T that the best support he can be is to 1)not drink around me and 2) never bring anything into the house. He fails constantly on both accounts. He used to sabotage me by bringing it home for me, but not anymore. It was a terrible cycle. The message was You can drink when I want you to, to be my buddy and for us to have fun, but you can't drink your way and I will punish you if there any consequences (getting drunk in front of the kids, hurting myself, whatever). So it has always been a mixed message.
>
> I've tried to talk to him about it, but he refuses to get it. My Pdoc and T think he has issues of his own with his own father being an alcoholic, but it's more than that. We have a very complicated relationship.
>
> So my choice is to live with him drinking around him or leave for my own sobriety's sake. My choice has to been to stay and suffer for now, to keep sober on my own as best as I can. It's not like I can or want to walk out the door; let's just say it's complicated.
>
> One thing that bothers me tremendously is that since he drinks (not all the time and not too much very often) we don't do other things that would be helpful to me as a sober person. I got him to go to a H.S. basketball game once and we had a great time, and if I came up with more ideas, he'd probably do them.
>
> As to the mental illness part--he refuses to deal with it. Just keeps asking me if I'm alright, and I never know what to say when I'm feeling bad because I know he can't deal with it.
>
> This is one big mish-mash. sorry, but it's my life. things are good, but there is a lot of pressure on me to be "o,K," a lot of the time.
> tell me what your situation is like,
> antiguaVery, very similar. I've asked my husband not to drink in front of me. When I went through the outpatient programme he got rid of everything in the house - it made it so easy for me to get sober! A year and a half on, he has his glass of wine or cocktail at the end of the day, "falls asleep" on the sofa, and I ruminate - it's awful. As long as he's conscious and in the room with me, it's fine, but as soon as he snoozes, I feel enormously triggered and self righteous about If He Can Do It Why Can't I? and I work myself into a right state of anxiety and anger. I see it happening right before my eyes.
My T suggested Al-Anon for him, but he won't go.And he keeps asking me when I'm going to be "all better", off my medications, out of therapy. I was verbally abused by my ex and suffer PTSD as a result of some of the bad stuff that happened towards the end of the marriage. My husband says it's time to get over it... sounds familiar, no?
He knows and understands that I can never drink.
Life is complicated, isn't it?Do you give your husband books and material to read and get educated about the subjects?
sp
poster:scratchpad
thread:745107
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20070101/msgs/745435.html