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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 68. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on April 3, 2004, at 16:52:39
I have never felt such grief. I honestly do not know how I can tolerate it. She was my comfort, my love, my reason to come home at night, my reason to get up in the morning. She slept by me every single night, she wandered into my dreams. I wish with all my heart this were just a bad one.
I am torturing myself for letting her out. She wanted to go out so badly, and she always came back after twenty minutes so I got too confident. It has been four nights, thundering and raining. I haven't slept without her in ten years. I will never forgive myself for letting her out.
I keep thinking I need to go in the other room and get her, or feed her, or pet her. I can't go two steps without being reminded of her, finding her fur, looking at her uneaten food. I would hear her delicately crunching her food and lapping her water throughout the night. I can't describe why these sounds were so beautiful to me. Every morning I would get up and refill her dishes and she would follow me while I made my coffee, sit next to me while I worked at the computer, perch on the sink while I showered. I would move into another room and she would follow me, content just to be with me. Sitting...quietly, lovingly. We talked to each other. She was fiercely loyal. She was the best friend I ever had.
The other night I took her off the warm cable box where she slept while I watched television, and put her in my lap. I gently lifted her and circled my hands around her heart. I don't know why this was so comforting to both of us, but it would make her fall asleep even while she was almost upright, and the magnetic warmth of her purring soothed and healed me.
I let her down. She came to me 10 years ago, feral, starving, deaf, crying. I was at an apartment where I couldn't have cats, and I am severely allegic to them. My friend was on the phone with me when I first heard her cry, and said, "Don't you dare take her in...you can't have a cat, you're allergic, you'll be evicted...". I tried to feed her outside, but she slowly edged her way in and that was the end of that. I paid $600 to keep her until I could find another apartment, and since have lived only in places that would allow her. I spent thousands of dollars over the years on allergy shots, rather than give her away, which became unthinkable. I never have actively chosen an animal, because the concept overwhelms me. I can't pass each cage and imagine one creature is more worth saving and loving than another. I know it doesn't make sense; at least I could be caring for one of them. But Alice chose me, and made it very easy. She was, bar none, the most beautiful cat in the world.
The idea of her trapped somewhere and hungry, or shivering in the cold is too much to bear. Everyone around here knows there are coyotes. In my last place I kept her in all the time, because I saw them close to the house. But before that we had a pattern; I would let her out at night--because that was the only time she ever wanted to go out---and she would traverse the perimeters of her surroundings and come back after a half hour or so. She never went far. She never crossed the street. She loved to smell the outdoors.
I have talked to people who say never to let a cat out period. I have two friends who love theirs the way I love mine and they do let their cats out. One of them said if someone told her she could live forever but had to be trapped indoors she would choose the other option. The other is in an area rampant with coyotes, and her cats are old and fine. She says the mountain is their life. I weighed the options. I spent years being overly cautious. Then in one moment I made one horrible, life-altering decision. I made the wrong choice.
Alice was a different cat when I let her outdoors. She would come back satisfied and serene, I would pick her up and inhale the sweet musk of nature behind her petal soft ears. Last week she went outside on a particularly hot day, and sat next to the porch step, so happy to just be there. I went outside and sat next to her and she rolled on the pavement, landing with her pink belly and white paws splayed out in happiness.
I miss her beyond belief. I miss her beyond repair. People tell me I should just go get another... which would be as easy as replacing a child. I went looking for her yesterday and saw a white kitten playing in a yard, and I stopped to pet him. I hear he might need a home. I go back and forth, I don't want to take him and hate that he is not Alice. But Alice isn't coming home. There will never be another Alice.
My favorite part of the day was getting ready for bed and watching her follow me, knowing that as soon as I did she would jump on my stomach. I would pull her too close and kiss her too much until finally she would squirm away....and then come right back for more. Then she would stay with me until I fell asleep. In the middle of the night I would wake up and look for the warm lump in the bed, and pull her to me again. I haven't been able to launder the sheets yet, full of her fur. She was fascinated with the taking off and putting on of sheets, always managing to get right in the middle of them. I can't bear the thought of putting those sheets back on and not having her get in the way.
I can't imagine ever feeling better. I hate this house without her in it. I hate this life without her in it. She made an already difficult life extraordinarly more tolerable by her very existence. My heart is broken forever.
I love you, little Alice. I miss you. I wish I could comfort you. Please come home. Please know that I love you.
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 3, 2004, at 20:05:41
In reply to My cat is gone., posted by kara lynne on April 3, 2004, at 16:52:39
Kara, sweetie she may come home..I use to let my cats out and once my one cat did not come home for 2 weeks...I was a mess...lets just say a MESS and lost without him...2 weeks......and ya know, he DID come home one day he just showed up...Alice may be in someones home...lots of times people think if a cats outside they are homeless and take them in and feeed them. I am so sorry you are hurting so I have been there and know but I think you still have hope...and do NOT leave food outside cause she will eat and run to play..or have competion on the property....keep us posted you have my prayers... :-(
Posted by gardenergirl on April 3, 2004, at 21:49:13
In reply to Re: My cat is gone. » kara lynne, posted by Fallen4myT on April 3, 2004, at 20:05:41
kara lynne,
I'm so sorry for your loss right now and I'm praying that Alice finds her way back to you. I know the times my dog has gotten away I have been absolutely panicked. I can't imagine this going on for more than a couple of hours. Please accept my hugs. I know it can't compare to your sweet Alice, but I hope it helps.(((kara lynne)))
gg
Posted by octopusprime on April 4, 2004, at 23:37:01
In reply to My cat is gone., posted by kara lynne on April 3, 2004, at 16:52:39
hi kara lynne
i was wondering how you are doing.
i am so sorry about your kitty and i hope she is safe and comes home soon.
i am a big fan of ritual. can you think up a "kitty come home" ritual that she would like? maybe music, kitty attracting dance, opening of tuna fish cans, etc. i think ritual helps us through grief and we don't do it enough.
Posted by kara lynne on April 5, 2004, at 1:08:19
In reply to Re: My cat is gone. » kara lynne, posted by octopusprime on April 4, 2004, at 23:37:01
Hi op,
So nice to hear from you, and thank you for your suggestions. It's hard to know what to do because I'm wavering in and out of futility. Today someone told me she 'feels' sure that Alice is still alive. So tomorrow I will put up more signs and knock on more doors, but I'm not sure if hoping is dangerous. I don't want to have to start grieving all over again.Thanks for writing and thinking about me. I have thought of you also, and I can see you've had your share of things to deal with lately.
Posted by kara lynne on April 5, 2004, at 1:10:19
In reply to Re: My cat is gone., posted by gardenergirl on April 3, 2004, at 21:49:13
Thank you for your hugs and prayers. I accept them with gratitude, and so does Alice, wherever she may be.
Posted by fayeroe on April 5, 2004, at 11:35:39
In reply to gg, fallen4, posted by kara lynne on April 5, 2004, at 1:10:19
kara lynne~~~~~~i wish i could be there with you and look for Alice..i'd go door to door again and look under bushes and houses......i'm a missing animal nut that won't give up.....i've had cats disappear and then re-appear a week later....my daughter had one that was gone 3 weeks and we found her. i do agree with whomever said someone may have her....that happened to me once. someone thought that Newman Marcus was a stray and took him in. we had the paper boy put flyers in every paper and that's how i got him back!!! do you have a radio station that publicizes lost animals? did you run an ad? plaster the place with photos......we got a parrot back one time that my daughter was sitting with by putting up photos!!!! he wormed out a semi-closed door!! i'm praying for you...and ALICE.....xoxoxoxpat
Posted by kara lynne on April 5, 2004, at 14:17:56
In reply to Re: gg, fallen4 » kara lynne, posted by fayeroe on April 5, 2004, at 11:35:39
Thank you for your prayers. I wish you were here too--that is the kind of thing I need the most help with. I called on some people to help me initially but no one seemed to be able to step it up a notch, and I was too overwhelmed to do anything beyond the obvious. The 'psychic' has suddenly lost her steam. I met her for the first time yesterday in a meditation class where I was talking about my cat. She told me she had a strong feeling about the cat being in someone's house and offered to help me go door to door. So she came yesterday and said she would come back today, but suddenly she can't come and it's up to me to do everything I was too overwhelmed to do in the first place. I told her it was hard to keep going and try to keep despair at bay and she said, 'Well you can give up hope right now if you want'. Thanks-- just what I need right now, some obnoxious, abrasive tough love. Suddenly I am an a** for not doing enough, when it started out yesterday that she 'saw' the cat in a house and was going to come and find it for me come hell or high water.
So another friend of mine is making up new fliers with color photos of my sweet Alice. She is coming over this afternoon and will help me staple them, plaster them, throughout the neighborhood. But it's been five excruciating nights without her.
Thank you for understanding, thank you for telling me of lost animals coming back a week later. I can't tell you how much it helps.
Posted by fayeroe on April 6, 2004, at 9:25:41
In reply to My cat is gone., posted by kara lynne on April 3, 2004, at 16:52:39
Any word on Alice?
Posted by kara lynne on April 6, 2004, at 13:56:58
In reply to Re: My cat is gone. » kara lynne, posted by fayeroe on April 6, 2004, at 9:25:41
Last night my friend came over with fliers and we went around the neighborhood putting them up. Some woman---*with her dog*----shouted, 'You're not supposed to staple anything to the trees!'. So I don't know how long they'll stay up. Every morning I have to wake up and realize she is not next to me. It's just so hard not knowing; a couple of my friends feel strongly that she'll be back. Another person says she's with a child who has no one else. I will get the child another cat. I want my Alice back.
Today I will put more signs up, and someone will help me go door to door.
This sucks.
Thanks for asking.
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 6, 2004, at 14:06:17
In reply to No word on Alice., posted by kara lynne on April 6, 2004, at 13:56:58
Sorry on no word YET but I still think there is HOPE...I SEE ABOVE HAVE HAD A CAT GONE in a high traffic area...two weeks...so yes hope...A few ideas...the posters are GREAT...TAKE THEM TO EVERY VET IN THE AREA...ALSO GO DAILY NO CALLS ..GO ...TO ALL THE ANIMAL CONTROL AND SHELTERS IN THE AREA...ASK YOUR LOCAL PENNEY SAVER MAG TO POST A PIC AND AD....FREE THEY USUALLY DO IT FREE..best of luck and many many prayers to you and your kit
Posted by fayeroe on April 6, 2004, at 18:22:50
In reply to Re: No word on Alice. » kara lynne, posted by Fallen4myT on April 6, 2004, at 14:06:17
kara lynne: the landlord next door just trapped all the stray cats that i was feeding and took them to the shelter!!!! i just found out!!! go to the shelter every day.........you may find her there! keep on keepin on , girl!!!
Posted by kara lynne on April 6, 2004, at 19:22:28
In reply to Re: No word on Alice. » Fallen4myT, posted by fayeroe on April 6, 2004, at 18:22:50
Thanks...Alice has an identification microchip, so if she ends up at the local pound they will alert me. I called them and they said the animals get checked for them three different times, so that would be the best case scenario. I haven't been able to get myself to go there physically, but I have someone checking the website where they update pictures of captured animals twice a day.
Aching,
Kara
Posted by kara lynne on April 8, 2004, at 0:39:05
In reply to fayeroe, posted by kara lynne on April 6, 2004, at 19:22:28
to die in my sleep. My friend asked me if I was suicidal and I said, No, I just don't want to live without Alice. There is a distinction, if slight.
I know it sounds over the top, but that little animal was all I came home to at night. She was my comfort, she gave me a purpose I really don't feel any longer. Of course I have things I am supposed to do to make a better life, but I just don't care about them. I don't know how to part with a creature I have been inseparable from for the last ten years.
I don't understand how my employer expects me to put on a happy face and make sixty calls about easter open meditation on Sunday. She is supposed to be someone who would understand this, and she just doesn't seem to. I know there is nothing anyone can do. I know it's not good to wallow, but neither can I just buck up and move on.
It's been one week tonight and I feel worse as the realization sinks in. It looks like I will never see Alice again.
Posted by fayeroe on April 8, 2004, at 6:36:37
In reply to Last night I prayed, posted by kara lynne on April 8, 2004, at 0:39:05
I understand. I felt that a part of me left when my dog, Tippy, died. I understand totally how you can feel that way. I'm sorry that your boss doesn't understand it. Perhaps she has never had the experience that we've had loving animals and being loved in return........I would not give up on finding her though. As we've all told you, animals do turn up after being gone a long time. Please keep checking the shelter pictures. And don't give up on the flyers and such. xoxoxo
Posted by Jai Narayan on April 8, 2004, at 8:33:14
In reply to Last night I prayed, posted by kara lynne on April 8, 2004, at 0:39:05
> to die in my sleep. My friend asked me if I was suicidal and I said, No, I just don't want to live without Alice. There is a distinction, if slight.
* My sister had a little gray cat for 16 years and she died a few months ago. It was an incredible loss. I sent her a little gray cat that was designed as an eye pillow. My sister took that soft twin of her cat and tucked it into her bed next to her heart....she still sleeps with that stuffed cat....recently they went to the coast together. It has been an amazing process. I send her a work book on the death or loss of an animal. It's amazing how much these little creatures live in our hearts and minds.I hope your pet comes back but if not maybe you could find a way to work through the mourning....
Your animal would not want you to follow....
death is always way too final.Last week a friend died of a massive heart attack....honestly I thought she would be around for a long time. It was sudden with no warning. We are all stunned. The family is in shock.
It's never easy to let someone you love go no matter if they are human or animal.
Our love does go on.
Posted by octopusprime on April 8, 2004, at 20:49:01
In reply to Re: Last night I prayed, posted by Jai Narayan on April 8, 2004, at 8:33:14
kara lynne,
you are strong.
i am so sorry about your kitty and you are right to be hurting. take some time to take good care of yourself, walks, bubble baths, and such.it is right to mourn the loss of our loved ones.
the hard thing to remember is that the darkest days, the ones where we believe we can't live without those we have lost, are temporary and will pass.look back on this board and see how you grieved for some of your other losses. and here you are today, loving as ever, still alive and working at a new job.
so remember your kitty. and pray for alice. and pray for yourself, that your suffering shall end, that you will draw strength from the spirits, and you too shall live another day.
be well. i'm thinking of you.
Posted by kara lynne on April 8, 2004, at 22:14:57
In reply to Re: Last night I prayed, posted by octopusprime on April 8, 2004, at 20:49:01
Posted by gardenergirl on April 9, 2004, at 1:25:06
In reply to Re: Last night I prayed, posted by octopusprime on April 8, 2004, at 20:49:01
Oh kara lynne,
It's so hard to mourn for a loved pet around others who do not share in our love. I'm so sorry. We understand, we truly do. And we do not give up hope.I like Jai's version of a substitute. Nothing will take the place of Alice if that becomes permanently necessary, but there are things you can do that may fill the need.
Please take care. I'm praying for you and for Alice.
gg
Posted by Wildflower on April 9, 2004, at 14:03:56
In reply to Last night I prayed, posted by kara lynne on April 8, 2004, at 0:39:05
Oh Kara, I wish there was something I could do to help. All I can offer are my positive thoughts and wishes that Alice comes home. Losing a pet (temporarily or permanently) is so hard to deal with. Those without pets never seem to understand the endless comfort a pet brings...
Please know that I'm thinking of you and Alice and praying for the best.
Posted by kara lynne on April 9, 2004, at 15:59:54
In reply to Re: Last night I prayed, posted by Wildflower on April 9, 2004, at 14:03:56
Thank you, Jai, Gardenergirl, Wildflower. I deeply appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I keep thinking there is more I should do to find her: Yesterday I called another shelter (in a terrible area far away, but one she might have been taken to). The guy on the phone said it didn't matter if she had a microchip, if she was at all 'skittish' they would put her down after five working days. I flew down there in the middle of work and had to walk into my nightmare: passing cages and cages of animals about to be put to death. One dog in particular haunted me; he was singled out and put in the room with the feral cats. He was a mutt with the sweetest disposition, isolated because he was 'ill', and going to be put down in a few days if he didn't spontaneously get better. I reached my hand in the cage and he licked me and looked up at me with the sweetest face I've ever seen. I started to decompose. The assistant was very nice to me considering what kind of place this was. I don't understand why I was the only one there who found it so torturous. Then I had to go through the list of euthanized pets to see if maybe she was on it. Thank God I couldn't find her. When I first arrived I saw a white cat peacefully sleeping in a cage and I ran up to it, but it wasn't my Alice.
I called a grief counselor last night, someone my friend has talked to in the past and liked very much. She had good things to say, but it felt so canned to me. Like she had a printout that she read to everyone experiencing loss. It was about letting yourself feel the grief, knowing that it is your capacity to love, and loving yourself through the grief. All good things. I will try to see if any of it can sink in.
I miss my Alice so much. I keep thinking I hear her. I keep feeling like in a minute I will get to see her. I keep thinking it's my fault; that if I didn't move here she wouldn't have gone. That I must have been wrong in some way or this wouldn't have happened. I still feel like my life has no purpose without her.
Posted by gardenergirl on April 10, 2004, at 11:24:13
In reply to Re: Last night I prayed, posted by kara lynne on April 9, 2004, at 15:59:54
Posted by fayeroe on April 11, 2004, at 9:46:17
In reply to Re: No word on Alice. » kara lynne, posted by Fallen4myT on April 6, 2004, at 14:06:17
please e.mail me at weezilgirl@hotmail.com
Posted by fayeroe on April 11, 2004, at 21:33:51
In reply to Re: Last night I prayed, posted by kara lynne on April 9, 2004, at 15:59:54
kara lynne: I hurt so much for you. There are excellent animal loss sites on the web. I know how you feel about the shelter. I HATE having to go to one. To me they are the saddest place in the world. If they could all be sanctuaries!!
Don't give up yet........you may still get Alice back. Remember that my daughter's cat, Wombat, was gone three weeks and we got her back! My friend Julie reminded me that her Lucy was gone two months and came home with her front leg hung in her collar....so you never, ever know!!!!
xoxoxoxo Pat
Posted by rainyday on April 13, 2004, at 20:29:52
In reply to My cat is gone., posted by kara lynne on April 3, 2004, at 16:52:39
Nothing can compare to the loss of a kitty. I cry when I think of my very own Psycho Kitty ever departing. My cats Rocky and Bullwinkle (brothers from the same litter) died after 18 years each. My previous kitty Rascal died at 10 years of age (tried to outrun a truck). Their love is so precious: they really do choose YOU instead of the other way around.
Before Rocky & Bullwinkle I had Lois, who had been feral and not really suited to indoor living. She ran away after I moved. I looked for her for 10 weeks or so, posting pictures and calling shelters, breaking my heart each time. I finally gave up and adopted Rocky & Bully.
One year afterwards, Rocky escaped (he pushed out a window screen from the second floor) and disappeared for over a week. Guess who we found while looking for him..
Lois. She was about a quarter mile away. Lived in someones basement in the winter, came for food occasionally in the summer. I brought her home - risen from the supposed dead!!! And within a week the prodigal Rocky reappeared lolling on the front door step. Lois took off again notlong after (who could blame her) but we shared vets fees with the family she had adpoted.
To sum up: Ya never know. Pets are so precious (I have no kids, so my kitties are my babies), but they do live separate lives from us humans!
Wish for the best, but do not wait for it - my advice.
rainyday
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