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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by fallsfall on June 15, 2003, at 20:12:03
I've been seeing my therapist for 8 1/2 years now. In the last couple of months we have been having a conflict - I would think she was mad at me (I still think this...) and that would make my self-esteem dive. I was spending so much time worrying about my self-esteem that I couldn't work on anything else. We had been talking about my finding another therapist in September, but I couldn't wait that long. This is really amazing because I am VERY dependent. So I told her that I was going to move on and she agreed that it was a good idea.
My question for all of you is: What do we need to do to terminate cleanly?
Last week we talked about what I need to look for in a new therapist. Next time we will talk about what was good in our therapy and what was bad (so I can bring the good things with me and leave the bad ones behind). Also things she thought I really should do but didn't.
I want to ask her if she will ever forgive me for the bad thing I did that started this all off. But if she says no, then I'll be crushed. If she says that she forgave me a long time ago I won't believe her. I guess I would only believe her if she said that she was working on it. The other option is to never bring it up, but then I'll never know. I can't decide what will be worst.
What other topics are helpful to cover?
Posted by Dinah on June 15, 2003, at 21:21:52
In reply to Termination, posted by fallsfall on June 15, 2003, at 20:12:03
I have no suggestions. I'm just so impressed with you for handling this well. I've told my therapist that therapy ends when he tells me he's terminating with me. There will be no termination phase. I think you're doing great. Your therapist has probably gone through this process a number of times. Does she have a routine?
Have you investigated any of your options re. other therapists yet?
Posted by deirdrehbrt on June 15, 2003, at 21:52:40
In reply to Re: Termination » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on June 15, 2003, at 21:21:52
fallsfall,
I think that you take somewhat of a risk however you deal with your question. If you ignore it, you may run the risk of worrying about it for quite some time. If you do ask, you run the risk of receiving a response that you don't really want. Perhaps if you phrase the question in a way that lets her understand your feeling of vulnerability, she might be able to be more careful with her reply.
I suppose though, that maybe the forgiveness you need comes more from yourself. I think that perhaps the person who was most disappointed by your action was you. You seem to be tearing yourself up a great deal still.
As to what questions to ask, I would ask her of a list of things that she might want your new therapist to know. What things do you have difficulty with? What worked? What didn't?
I hope you find your way.
Dee.
Posted by Dinah on June 15, 2003, at 22:16:06
In reply to Re: Termination, posted by deirdrehbrt on June 15, 2003, at 21:52:40
> As to what questions to ask, I would ask her of a list of things that she might want your new therapist to know. What things do you have difficulty with? What worked? What didn't?
> I hope you find your way.
> Dee.Dee, that's a great idea! That would be very enlightening, I'll bet.
Posted by Dissociative Jane on June 16, 2003, at 9:07:40
In reply to Termination, posted by fallsfall on June 15, 2003, at 20:12:03
> I've been seeing my therapist for 8 1/2 years now. In the last couple of months we have been having a conflict - I would think she was mad at me (I still think this...) and that would make my self-esteem dive. I was spending so much time worrying about my self-esteem that I couldn't work on anything else. We had been talking about my finding another therapist in September, but I couldn't wait that long. This is really amazing because I am VERY dependent. So I told her that I was going to move on and she agreed that it was a good idea.
>
> My question for all of you is: What do we need to do to terminate cleanly?
>
> Last week we talked about what I need to look for in a new therapist. Next time we will talk about what was good in our therapy and what was bad (so I can bring the good things with me and leave the bad ones behind). Also things she thought I really should do but didn't.
>
> I want to ask her if she will ever forgive me for the bad thing I did that started this all off. But if she says no, then I'll be crushed. If she says that she forgave me a long time ago I won't believe her. I guess I would only believe her if she said that she was working on it. The other option is to never bring it up, but then I'll never know. I can't decide what will be worst.
>
> What other topics are helpful to cover?
I am wondering....what kind of conflict were you having with your therapist to cause you to feel like she is angry with you?
I totally think you should ask her if she is angry with you, but why would she be?
If there is this much discomfort, maybe you really do need to find another therapist.
Personally, I can't imagine going to the same therapist for 8 1/2 years. Have you improved? Do you think she is doing her job with your treatment?
I have been seeing a therapist for 1 year but i have this thought in the back of my mind that that I will get better and not have the need to continue. I have never missed an appt and I'm very driven to feel free and mentally healthy, especially now that I know what is wrong with me.
Posted by fallsfall on June 16, 2003, at 9:35:45
In reply to Re: Termination...?'s, posted by Dissociative Jane on June 16, 2003, at 9:07:40
Hi.
You can read about my transgression at http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030407/msgs/221129.html. (Note the subject of that thread: Forever Therapy. I wish that it was).
We made a lot of progress in the first 7 years. We both agree that we had a really good relationship.
We did talk about how I thought she was angry, and her effect on my self esteem. The last time we talked about her anger, she insisted that she wasn't judging me. The problem was that I was judging me - based on what I thought she was thinking.
I do feel better knowing that I am leaving - that helps me know that I'm doing the right thing.
I am interviewing other therapists this week. I even cancelled my appointment with her (Unheard of!).
She has been so important to me that I want to do the termination thing right - to minimize the damage. I just need to know what that is!
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2003, at 10:03:16
In reply to Re: Termination...?'s » Dissociative Jane, posted by fallsfall on June 16, 2003, at 9:35:45
Fallsfall,
Is there any reason you have to have your final session with her before you engage another therapist? Perhaps your new therapist, once you decide on one, could help you make sure you've covered all the bases on termination with this one.
Good luck with your interviews! Let us know how it goes.
Posted by Dissociative Jane on June 16, 2003, at 10:15:12
In reply to Re: Termination...?'s » Dissociative Jane, posted by fallsfall on June 16, 2003, at 9:35:45
> Hi.
>
> You can read about my transgression at http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20030407/msgs/221129.html. (Note the subject of that thread: Forever Therapy. I wish that it was).
>
> We made a lot of progress in the first 7 years. We both agree that we had a really good relationship.
>
> We did talk about how I thought she was angry, and her effect on my self esteem. The last time we talked about her anger, she insisted that she wasn't judging me. The problem was that I was judging me - based on what I thought she was thinking.
>
> I do feel better knowing that I am leaving - that helps me know that I'm doing the right thing.
>
> I am interviewing other therapists this week. I even cancelled my appointment with her (Unheard of!).
>
> She has been so important to me that I want to do the termination thing right - to minimize the damage. I just need to know what that is!THANK YOU so much for sharing your post from April with me. I want to tell you that I also invaded my therapists privacy by looking her up on the internet. I initially did this after my first session with her to see if I could find some info regarding her therapy: ie: any written psychology articles or a professional web site. I really believe it was my lack of trust in her. There was not any professional info however, there was private info....a club she belonged to with her home phone #. I was so intrigued that I found myself searching this club often and looking for any info possible with her name on it....a situation that I felt was becoming out of control. I was full of guilt. I was realizing that my therapist is really GOOD and if I really wanted to get better, I needed to be totally upfront and honest with her.
So, one day I just told her that I had been invading her privacy and I was so terribly sorry. I would totally understand if she no longer wanted to continue being my therapist. She said she was not mad at me and I think she was glad that I was honest with her.
I just want you to know that I appreciate you sharing your story with me because I am realizing that most of us here on this posting board share many of the same thoughts/feelings regarding therapy and our therapists.
Posted by fallsfall on June 16, 2003, at 15:45:49
In reply to Re: Termination...?'s » fallsfall, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2003, at 10:03:16
I may be able to start with the new one before giving up the old one. That's a good idea.
I've interviewed 2, and have 2 more to go, plus my old group therapist gives me 5 to choose from. I finish the interviews on Thursday, and see my old one on next Tuesday (Did you see? I cancelled my session for tomorrow with her! Do you believe it? And it feels fine.)
I think I need to ask my old one how many more times she wants to see me. I sort of have my agenda - but I don't know if she has one, too. I get the feeling she wants to get rid of me as soon as she can.
I'll give you a summary on the therapists on Thursday.
Posted by fallsfall on June 16, 2003, at 15:52:21
In reply to Re: Termination...?'s WOW!, posted by Dissociative Jane on June 16, 2003, at 10:15:12
It helps me to know that other people have researched their therapists (that I'm not such a monster). I believe that this is a sore spot for her - she has handled so many other things very well.
Everyone I have talked to (you guys, my friends, my support group, my old therapist, my psychiatrist, my family) thinks that leaving is the right thing. I expect a small crash after I see her the last time, but I think I'll survive.
It takes guts to tell your therapist that you did stuff like that.
One of the benefits of Black and White thinking is that while I'm so hurt/rejected by her I think that she isn't so good, so leaving doesn't hurt as much as it would if I thought she was wonderful.
Thanks for sharing your story
Posted by judy1 on June 16, 2003, at 15:59:26
In reply to Re: Termination...?'s » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on June 16, 2003, at 15:45:49
I think that interacting with other therapists right now is giving you a sense of empowerment- something (it sounds like) you really need. You really will be amazed at how quickly your soon to be ex-therapist will cease to be so important to you, especially as you develope the therapeutic bond with someone else. I think you learned a very valuable lesson about invasion of privacy, and I imagine you will carry that lesson forward to the next one. I see no valid reason to beat this subject into the ground with your therapist- you were honest and she told you her feelings. I have to agree with one of the posters who questioned the 8+ years you've spent with her, I wonder if someone else could be more helpful to you. take care, judy
Posted by Dissociative Jane on June 16, 2003, at 16:32:21
In reply to Re: Termination...?'s » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on June 16, 2003, at 15:45:49
>
> I think I need to ask my old one how many more times she wants to see me. I sort of have my agenda - but I don't know if she has one, too. I get the feeling she wants to get rid of me as soon as she can.What a horrible feeling it must be for you.....knowing that your therapist wants to get rid of you but feeling obligated to schedule more times with her. Sounds like torture
>
> I'll give you a summary on the therapists on Thursday.I hope you find a new therapist soon
Posted by bookgurl99 on June 16, 2003, at 21:48:21
In reply to Termination, posted by fallsfall on June 15, 2003, at 20:12:03
fallsfall,
if it makes you feel better, i did a search on my therapist too. it helped me find her once (at her job, unrelated to our private therapy) after she had changed her cell phone number and i couldn't remember what it was. she was quite calm about it; she said that 3 other clients had found her the same way.
i don't know how i would feel if she had an email address or AIM address or family info online. I don't think I would touch them, though i'd have that moment of temptation.
I think all of that searching that you did came from a natural curiousity about your therapist, especially if she didn't tell you anything about herself. Once I had a dream of my therapist being a child, and realized it was in part due to my desire to know what she was 'really' like beyond the professional trappings. I told her about it. She has since sort of 'broken the spell' by talking about her personal life. I know certain details -- like what neighborhood her house is in -- but not specifics -- like which house is hers. I think it's natural to be curious about someone like a therapist who in a sense has power over you due to their vast knowledge of your feelings.
i think your therapist has to realize that the internet is a powerful search tool.if she does not want information about her personal life on the internet, then it is her responsibility to make sure that information about her personal life is not freely available on the internet.
on the other hand, maybe _you_ were the learning tool for her to see that. if it affected your relationship such that she can no longer 'trust' you enough to be your therapist, then you are no longer getting what you need either.
you seem to be handling this really well; i understand if you have moments of feeling down about it.
i just wanted to throw my two cents in --
--books
Posted by Tabitha on June 18, 2003, at 13:19:18
In reply to Re: Termination...?'s » Dissociative Jane, posted by fallsfall on June 16, 2003, at 9:35:45
just a side comment here.. I can't believe a therapist would have so much personal information easily accessible on the internet. What was she thinking? it's kind of laughable. of course she's going to get into trouble with that. I've googled my therapist and found nothing, not even a college alumni listing. I like it that way.
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