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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 14 to 38 of 38. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on February 7, 2005, at 19:54:15
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
(((Daisy)))
Aw, what a crappy thing to have happened.
:-(
Posted by Dinah on February 7, 2005, at 19:57:44
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
I understand. I fall apart afterwards too. I suppose that's not the worst way to do it.
I'll be here, arms at the ready.
(((( Daisy ))))
Posted by Speaker on February 7, 2005, at 21:29:18
In reply to Oh Daisy, posted by Dinah on February 7, 2005, at 19:57:44
Daisy,
It's like an ER nurse...you take care of everything and everyone and when the crisis is over and everyone else has moved on...it catches up to us. I find it a great attribute but very hard as when it finally hits me everyone else has moved on and I feel alone in all of it. Remember, we are here ready when you need us!
Hugs and Prayers,
Marie
Posted by mair on February 7, 2005, at 22:08:06
In reply to ((((( Daisy ))))), posted by Speaker on February 7, 2005, at 21:29:18
I hope your staff can rise to the occasion.
I know your husband's medical conditions are complicated. If he's like my husband, he's also not the least bit stoic about it, so you really have to hold it together for him too.
We'll always be here to help.
Mair
Posted by fallsfall on February 7, 2005, at 22:18:07
In reply to Re: ((((( Daisy ))))), posted by mair on February 7, 2005, at 22:08:06
3====(*)====E
(Those are my arms reaching out to catch you)
Work will survive. Take care of your family. And we'll take care of you.
Posted by Annierose on February 7, 2005, at 22:30:36
In reply to ((((((Daisy))))) » Daisym, posted by messadivoce on February 7, 2005, at 19:53:43
Posted by gardenergirl on February 7, 2005, at 22:42:57
In reply to Re: ((((( Daisy ))))), posted by fallsfall on February 7, 2005, at 22:18:07
Oh golly, of all the times. I'm sorry that happened. You and your family are in my prayers.
And I'm here, too. Just let me know what you need.
(((Daisy)))
gg
Posted by Shortelise on February 8, 2005, at 0:19:24
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
Posted by 10derHeart on February 8, 2005, at 0:21:05
In reply to Re: ((((( Daisy ))))), posted by gardenergirl on February 7, 2005, at 22:42:57
As my fomer T. said to me once (had 4 minor/major disasters in 4 days), "I'm so sorry all this is happening, but I like your composure. You can do this."I like your composure, Daisy. You can do this.
Praying for you and all your family.
Babblers are at the ready to catch you, for sure.
-- 10derHeart
Posted by mair on February 8, 2005, at 14:03:41
In reply to ((((( Daisy ))))), posted by Speaker on February 7, 2005, at 21:29:18
Posted by Susan47 on February 8, 2005, at 14:07:02
In reply to Re: ((((( Daisy ))))) (nm), posted by mair on February 8, 2005, at 14:03:41
Posted by littleone on February 8, 2005, at 15:06:55
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
So sorry this has happened. Please know that I am thinking of you and sending warm thoughts your way.
Posted by All Done on February 8, 2005, at 15:18:37
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
Take care. I'm sorry it's such a tough time for you.
I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
(((Daisy)))
Posted by Aphrodite on February 8, 2005, at 16:05:56
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
(((Daisy)))
So sorry that you are experience this overwhelm. Take good care of yourself. Enlist all the help you can. In times like these, people like to know *exactly* what they can do to help, and since you've helped so many others, let them help you. (I know how hard that is.) Let your sons who are OK help the one who is not and let your employees do things to keep the work stress low.
Check in with your T too so you don't have to go into complete caretaking mode without his support.
I hope you have as soft of a landing as possible from it all.
Posted by Poet on February 8, 2005, at 17:59:27
In reply to The worst way to Avoid Therapy, posted by Daisym on February 7, 2005, at 19:41:07
Posted by daisym on February 8, 2005, at 22:55:17
In reply to (((((Daisy))))) I'll help catch you. More hugs. (nm), posted by Poet on February 8, 2005, at 17:59:27
Thank you all for the support. I love this group, truly.
My husband came home today. There seems to be minor damage to the muscle, not enough for any repair work. At this point they are guessing at a "brief" clot...and given his other illnesses, don't want to chance an invasive procedure if they don't have to. So...so.
My youngest is still struggling, but his therapist emailed me today to give some advice and add his support. It is nice to have a such good caring people in our lives.
I'm in that space of exhaustion right now, everything feels unreal and tentative. I'm anxious and fretful. Partly I MISS MY OWN THERAPIST -- whom I haven't seen for 6 days now. I think this is the longest since this summer. (how sad is that?!)
All of this brings up so many questions...how do I keep doing the work I'm doing in therapy with potential disaster hanging over my head? If I'm all torn up, how do I handle stuff? And mostly, sorting out my feelings about my marriage and the effects the long term illness has had on it seems very selfish and insensitive of me right now. Who am I to complain when I'm healthy?
I can hear my therapist asking, "But do you have a choice? If the memories are interfering in your life, they have to be dealt with. You can't ignore that which refuses to be ignored."
I feel like I should try. And the only way I can see to accomplish this is to stop going for a while. And just typing that sentence brings out the tears.
I feel trapped and alone. If one more person says, "I don't know how you do it all!" I'm going to scream. I'm scared -- of how I feel about all of this and how I don't feel. I guess it feels like that last straw.I keep asking myself if I can really handle this, especially knowing it is only going to continue to get worse.
OK, deep breath. Tomorrow, as they say, is another day.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 9, 2005, at 0:04:01
In reply to An Update, posted by daisym on February 8, 2005, at 22:55:17
I do think that given what is going on in your life at the moment that a switch to supportive therapy would be appropriate...
The memories will either receed by themselves (in which case you aren't ready to deal with them yet given everything else that is going on) - or they won't (in which case you may be stronger than you think).
I dunno. I just kinda have faith that we will not allow ourselves to face up to more than we can handle...
I dunno.
But now doesn't really seem to be the time to stop with the therapy altogether...
Posted by Annierose on February 9, 2005, at 6:08:53
In reply to An Update, posted by daisym on February 8, 2005, at 22:55:17
Dasiy - PLEASE
This is not the time to let go of your main source of support (as Dinah says, the last leg of your stool). You do need him right now and he will help you through this rough patch. With everything that is going on with your husband, he will know what to say and NOT SAY. But if your younger selves need a place to vent, he'll be with you to help contained them. I have found the times I do not want to go to therapy, end up being way better than I anticipated ... especially if I let her know that I didn't want to be there .... and I usually leave feeling comforted.Helping you, will give you more strength to help your son handle his emotions. My daughter sounds a lot like your son. I feel that they soak up all the emotions around them (good or bad). When a classmate is in pain, she feels that.
My thoughts are with you. Hoping things smooth out soon. And your husband is feeling better.
Posted by fallsfall on February 9, 2005, at 9:12:23
In reply to An Update, posted by daisym on February 8, 2005, at 22:55:17
>
> My husband came home today. There seems to be minor damage to the muscle, not enough for any repair work. At this point they are guessing at a "brief" clot...and given his other illnesses, don't want to chance an invasive procedure if they don't have to. So...so.*** So the immediate danger is over. Take a deep breath. Now take another one.
>
> My youngest is still struggling, but his therapist emailed me today to give some advice and add his support. It is nice to have a such good caring people in our lives.
>
*** I'm so glad his therapist is helpful to you. That is the way it should be. Remember that he *has* a therapist, and though you are the "Mommy", you have some help and support with your son. Let his therapist help you help him. You don't have to do it all alone.> I'm in that space of exhaustion right now, everything feels unreal and tentative. I'm anxious and fretful. Partly I MISS MY OWN THERAPIST -- whom I haven't seen for 6 days now. I think this is the longest since this summer. (how sad is that?!)
*** Perfectly understandable! Do you expect to be feeling any different from this? I hope you get to see him today. I think it's wonderful that you've had constant support from your therapist since his summer vacation.
>
> All of this brings up so many questions...how do I keep doing the work I'm doing in therapy with potential disaster hanging over my head? If I'm all torn up, how do I handle stuff? And mostly, sorting out my feelings about my marriage and the effects the long term illness has had on it seems very selfish and insensitive of me right now. Who am I to complain when I'm healthy?*** I hate to be blunt, but if you don't sort out your marriage issues now, you may never have a chance to sort them out. You need to take a hard look at whether you *ever* want to sort them out, or if you can live the rest of your life *without* sorting them out.
*** On the other hand, your husband *is* alive, and you *do* still have a marriage. How much longer can you manage in your marriage if you *don't* sort these things out?
>
> I can hear my therapist asking, "But do you have a choice? If the memories are interfering in your life, they have to be dealt with. You can't ignore that which refuses to be ignored."
>
> I feel like I should try. And the only way I can see to accomplish this is to stop going for a while. And just typing that sentence brings out the tears.*** Stopping therapy is not an option, Daisy. I know it is tempting, but you know that it isn't an option.
>
> I feel trapped and alone. If one more person says, "I don't know how you do it all!" I'm going to scream. I'm scared -- of how I feel about all of this and how I don't feel. I guess it feels like that last straw.I keep asking myself if I can really handle this, especially knowing it is only going to continue to get worse.*** Maybe all of those people are trying to give you permission to *not* "do it all".
*** You don't have to hold the world up singlehanded. Your therapist is there, your son's therapist is there, your husband's doctors are there, I am here, Babble is here, you have IRL friends who are truly there for you. It is OK to depend on us. People depend on people. Even ants depend on ants - dependency is something that is seen at all levels of our world. Why should *you*, Daisy, not need to depend on others when every other living thing in this world is dependent on others?? If you let yourself depend on people, people will support you and you won't be alone.
*** Yes, you have to be careful about who you depend on - not everyone will support you. But you have collected a pretty good group of people, who you *can* trust - if you can let yourself trust them.
>
> OK, deep breath. Tomorrow, as they say, is another day.Breathing is good. It is good to keep breathing all of the time.
You are in an impossibly hard situation, Daisy. Don't expect it to be easy. Don't be so hard on yourself when it *isn't* easy. Allow yourself to be human. Your questions are very hard questions. Let your therapist help you to figure out how to answer them. He is on your side.
(((((...Daisy)))))...
With love,
Falls.
Posted by antigua on February 9, 2005, at 9:52:06
In reply to An Update, posted by daisym on February 8, 2005, at 22:55:17
Daisy, you know how much I care about you and what I think of all your efforts to help everyone else as you are struggling, so if you don't like what I have to say, please ignore it and accept that I'm not saying anythng to hurt you.
I've been thinking about this for a long time, so here goes.
You are in the midst of very painful memories about what happened when you were little daisy. They seem to be pouring out in a very urgent way and you can't seem to "control" them. At the end of the memories, you will have to deal (or maybe already are dealing with) the abandonment of your father after the abuse. He went away and you didn't see him very much if I recall correctly.
Abandonment is a big issue. But it has gotten even more complicated with you. Here, right now, you are faced with abandonment by your husband, no matter how you feel about him. I would venture to guess that you have some similarities in abandonment issues between your father and husband. You feel guilty about your husband, but he's dying and needs you in many ways (even just the caretaking issues, not the emotional ones perhaps right now). I see you headed for one big train wreck of feelings. I don't say that in a bad way, at all, I just see it as inevitable, unless of course your husband gets miraculously better and you don't have to deal w/the abandonment, but with the marriage itself.
doesn't little Daisy have a lot of guilt, too? Doesn't she think she was responsible in some ways? As an adult, you know you are aren't responsible for your husband's illness, but I bet it taps into your earlier feelings.
The ideal would be working through all the father issues before your husband dies. Therapy is to help us deal w/similar situations in our lives, based on past feelings/emotions we have for what happened to us. You're not getting that with your relationship w/your husband because he is very sick NOW.
So please don't give up therapy. I wish you the strength to cope w/both issues now but from my perspective they are so very interrelated.
And little daisy doesnt have to be superwoman. You need your therapist and let him help soothe you so you can deal with the harsh realities of what you're facing with your boys and husband IRL.
love,
antigua
Posted by gardenergirl on February 9, 2005, at 11:30:13
In reply to Re: An Update » daisym, posted by antigua on February 9, 2005, at 9:52:06
Thanks for the update, Daisy. I'm glad your husband is doing a bit better and that he doesn't need surgery. I'm glad you are taking some time just to breathe, too.
I hope you don't stop therapy right now. I can hear how painful that idea is to you. Do you think you can go in and talk about what is going on right now instead of dealing with the memories? What would happen if you did that? If you got support for now? Can your therapy process shift to a more immediate need?
Whatever you decide, please know that you are not alone, and you do not have to do this alone. Lean on us, lean on your T, lean on your friends and co-workers. You do look like a Superwoman, but the world will keep going if you need a break. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. But things really will be okay. They may need some patching up later, but decide for yourself what your priorities and needs are and don't let anything get in the way of fulfilling them. You deserve it!
(((((daisy)))))
gg
Posted by mair on February 9, 2005, at 12:10:31
In reply to Re: An Update, posted by gardenergirl on February 9, 2005, at 11:30:13
Daisy
I can't really add anything here different from what others have said. My therapy seems to move fairly seamlessly from weightier topics to sessions where I just need support for something more pressing. Those weightier topics are always there to get back to.
I can also empathize alot with what you're feeling about your husband. I went through a heart scare with my husband about a year ago. It was difficult for me because it got to be so easy for me to say or do the wrong thing and then be accused of not being sensitive or caring enough. And it's so easy to feel that you have to subsume all of your needs to the person with the actual physical problems, aside from feeling that you have to hold things together for them and for the rest of the family.
Therapy was absolutely essential - it was the one and only place where I could talk about my needs and, frankly, where I could complain about my husband. I didn't realize that it was serving that purpose at the time, but looking back now, I can see that it provided a much needed outlet.
Also, think of therapy as the one place where you don't have to maintain the veneer of superwoman - in addition to here of course.
mair
Posted by Shortelise on February 9, 2005, at 12:51:32
In reply to An Update, posted by daisym on February 8, 2005, at 22:55:17
Daisy, is there any way to get help with some practical things? Maybe you already have help - of course I don't know, but would there be someone who could come in and help you at home?
For me, it is sometimes the practical stuff that gets me, and if I can get a hand with that, the rest seems easier, even the mind stuff. I mean, if I can think about the things I talk to my T about wihtout having at the back of my mind that - what will I make for dinner, and oh, I forgot to buy bread, and do I have any flour, and damn, if I don't pay the gas bill soon, I won't be able to cook anyway, and I have to wash the sheets or they might pack up and leave home, etc - it's easier.
If it's of any help, it's been the times of crisis where I have made the most progress in therapy those times when everything seems closer to the skin.
You know how you do it, you know what it costs you. I wish I could help. You don't by any chance live in Western Canada, do you?
ShortE
Posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 13:14:14
In reply to An Update, posted by daisym on February 8, 2005, at 22:55:17
Daisy, can you take a break right now?
You don't have to be working on memories to see your therapist as often as you want. Maybe if you convey that to all of you, you'll be able to take a break while you're in a crisis.
Can your therapist reassure all parts of you that it's ok to need him just as much even if you're having more supportive sessions rather than memory sessions?
Posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 13:20:03
In reply to Re: An Update » daisym, posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 13:14:14
I didn't mean a break from therapy.
I meant a shift in therapy.
The younger parts of you may well be having a fair number of feelings about what's going on in the here and now. If they know that it's ok for them to talk about that, if they know that they don't have to give up time with your therapist, maybe it would be possible to shift gears some.
This is the end of the thread.
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