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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 11:15:09
This is a hard topic for me to post about, but I'm wondering if anyone else began self-injuring as an adult. Most of the stuff I've read about it says that it most often starts in adolescence, but I started bruising myself a few months ago. I don't do it often and in fact after the first two times, I stopped for weeks, but now the urges are so strong again and I've given in a few times the past two days.
I've talked about it with my therapist....after the first time which was extremely impulsive I freaked and called her almost immediately. And I admitted that the urges are back, although she doesn't yet know that I'm doing it again. I plan on telling her next week. I have all the strategies in place to prevent it....distraction, exercise, a punching bag, calling or e-mailing her, but I'm amazed at how strong the feelings are.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm dealing with a lot of anger right now from my teenage years....I was the "perfect teen"....honors student, involved in lots of extra-curricular activities at church and school, no drinking, drugs, or sex, etc.....but I was never permitted to show any emotion other than happiness and there was plenty in my childhood and adolescence to be unhappy about. Anyway, I'm thinking that bringing all of that "teenage stuff" to the forefront has triggered this behavior in me, even though I'm well past the teenage years. I just finished reading "Bright Red Scream" and although I don't cut, a lot of the profile of a "typical cutter" resonated with me, especially the parts about not being permitted to show emotions.
I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for in posting about this....understanding and support, I guess....since it's not something you can bring up while hanging out at the playground, you know? "Yeah, it looks like a snow day tomorrow oh and by the way, have you ever jabbed your keys into your thigh hard enough to leave bruises?" I'm trying so hard to not feel like a freak about this and my therapist is so supportive, but I guess I need more.....
Thanks for reading....Anneke
Posted by B2chica on December 9, 2005, at 11:49:30
In reply to adult onset self injury (long and ***trigger.***), posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 11:15:09
i did start in adolescents but it wasn't that bad and i stopped when i was 18 or 19. i began again a couple years ago in 2003. (i was 30). i'm a cutter and BELIEVE ME i understand those strong....urges. they can just suck you in. its the impulsivity that's so dangerous.
absolutely i think it's this stuff that's coming up that's making you want to cut. I read "bright red scream" also, but i actually liked the book "cutting" better i can't remember the authors name but i think his last name starts with an L. and it has a grey cover.
it doesn't matter why you posted it...i'm really glad you did. You are NOT alone with this. i've been (clean) for about 3 months with no cutting. i'ts taken me a really long time (and many scars) to get to this point...you will too.
and i haven't done the key things but i've thrown myself into the wall and banged my head alot. this is Not a good thing.
You t may do this but tonight i think you should sit down with a pencil and paper and think of the things you can engage in to take your mind off wanting to hurt yourself (painting, drawing, excersizing, journaling, crafts, model cars) something that needs all your focus. next write down the people you can call to talk with about your feelings or to take your mind off things, maybe ask them to come over or you go over there. next if you still want to hurt yourself do the 15 min. thing. Say in 15min if i still feel this way i WILL Self-Injure (SI). then when 15 min is up if you still want to do it again...15 min. do it by minutes, hours, seconds whatever it takes. lastly if you still want to do it, see if you can call your T, or some hotline.
please take care of yourself
and remember writing here no matter what you say...we care about you and want only the best for you.b2c.
btw dr.bob has this thing that if you use double quotes when you're writing names of books and stuff it makes it a link, try it.
Posted by B2chica on December 9, 2005, at 11:51:11
In reply to Re: adult onset self injury (long and ***trigger., posted by B2chica on December 9, 2005, at 11:49:30
oops the cutting link didn't work but the bright red scream did and if you go to that and look below there is the cutting book. lady on front steven levenkron or something like that.
b2c.
Posted by Tamar on December 9, 2005, at 13:45:19
In reply to adult onset self injury (long and ***trigger.***), posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 11:15:09
Hi Anneke,
It was brave of you to post, but I’m glad you did. It’s a really hard subject, isn’t it? Many people don’t understand at all.
I started cutting when I was 27. No history of it in adolescence. But it was adolescent issues that led to it when I was 27; stuff I hadn’t dealt with at the time that emerged without warning when I was under pressure.
After the first few times I didn’t do it for years until I was really depressed again several months ago. I found I had terribly violent feelings and cutting myself was better to me than lashing out at my family. Now I try not to do it, but sometimes I find the urges overwhelming.
You are definitely not a freak.
Tamar
Posted by muffled on December 9, 2005, at 13:54:34
In reply to Re: adult onset self injury (long and ***trigger.***) » Anneke, posted by Tamar on December 9, 2005, at 13:45:19
Ya, I did it adolescent and not awhile and again as adult. Sometimes its better than the alternative. 15 min. thing is a good one. Holding and ice cube in your hand tight is good and painful, can be excruciating. Depends on why you SI.
Also SI stands for self injury, AND suicidal ideation. I had my T all mixed up at one point!
SI can be addicting apparently too.
Its not very nice.
I hate the lying.
Glad you got a good T you can talk to good.
Muffled
Posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 14:09:12
In reply to adult onset self injury (long and ***trigger.***), posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 11:15:09
> This is a hard topic for me to post about, but I'm wondering if anyone else began self-injuring as an adult. Most of the stuff I've read about it says that it most often starts in adolescence, but I started bruising myself a few months ago. I don't do it often and in fact after the first two times, I stopped for weeks, but now the urges are so strong again and I've given in a few times the past two days.
>It is a hard topic to talk about, but if you get it out you'll feel better. I cut as a teen from anger and not being able to express any emotion too. I was raped, and my parent's were so ashamed of it that I wasn't allowed to get help, or express anything. I don't do it any more, but I carry intense shame from all of it.
> I've talked about it with my therapist....after the first time which was extremely impulsive I freaked and called her almost immediately. And I admitted that the urges are back, although she doesn't yet know that I'm doing it again. I plan on telling her next week. I have all the strategies in place to prevent it....distraction, exercise, a punching bag, calling or e-mailing her, but I'm amazed at how strong the feelings are.
It's good that you have those strategies in place and that you've been honest with your T. If you can't wait till next week, try to call her instead of acting on the urges. Are you on any meds? Maybe an anti anxiety would help?
> > I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm dealing with a lot of anger right now from my teenage years....I was the "perfect teen"....honors student, involved in lots of extra-curricular activities at church and school, no drinking, drugs, or sex, etc.....but I was never permitted to show any emotion other than happiness and there was plenty in my childhood and adolescence to be unhappy about. Anyway, I'm thinking that bringing all of that "teenage stuff" to the forefront has triggered this behavior in me, even though I'm well past the teenage years. I just finished reading "Bright Red Scream" and although I don't cut, a lot of the profile of a "typical cutter" resonated with me, especially the parts about not being permitted to show emotions.
Sounds like your insight is right on target. Whatever you do, try not to cut. There's no getting rid of the scars. The emotional scars from your past are reallly painful, and dealing with all of that really s*cks.
> I'm not quite sure what I'm looking for in posting about this....understanding and support, I guess....since it's not something you can bring up while hanging out at the playground, you know? "Yeah, it looks like a snow day tomorrow oh and by the way, have you ever jabbed your keys into your thigh hard enough to leave bruises?" I'm trying so hard to not feel like a freak about this and my therapist is so supportive, but I guess I need more.....Yeah, I wish we hung out at the same playground, so we could deal with it together. It does make you feel pretty all alone, doesn't it?
(((hugs)))
fw
Posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 21:18:18
In reply to Re: adult onset self injury (long and ***trigger., posted by B2chica on December 9, 2005, at 11:49:30
B2Chica,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. Your idea about sitting down and writing things out is a good one....I kind of have all of those ideas for preventing self injury in my mind, but it would be good to have a defined list in my journal to refer to in the "heat of the moment" so to speak.
I'm hoping I can break the cycle before I get in too deep, but it seems as though sheer will power isn't always enough. I'm hoping talking to my therapist and posting here will help...I may try to go back to 2X week therapy after the New Year.
And thanks for the double quotes tip...I'd read about that when I was lurking but now have to remember that I can actually use it.
Thanks again for your empathy...I'm just sorry it has to come from personal experience. Anneke
Posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 21:19:55
In reply to Re: adult onset self injury (long and ***trigger.***) » Anneke, posted by Tamar on December 9, 2005, at 13:45:19
Thanks....it's reassuring to know that it's coming from somewhere (the adolescent stuff coming out) and not just out of the blue...but it still sucks....and yes, it is overwhelming
Posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 21:21:04
In reply to Re: adult onset self injury (long and ***trigger.***), posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 21:19:55
Posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 21:22:25
In reply to Re: adult onset self injury (long and ***trigger.***), posted by muffled on December 9, 2005, at 13:54:34
Muffled,
Thanks for the support...I've heard of the ice thing, but haven't tried it yet. I was confused by the SI abbreviation myself for awhile!
Yes, my therapist is one of the best...I'm lucky.
Stay safe....Anneke
Posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 21:26:21
In reply to Re: adult onset self injury (long and ***trigger.***) » Anneke, posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 14:09:12
FW,
Thanks for the response and the hugs. It is so isolating sometimes. Only a few of my friends even know I go to therapy and they don't know the depth of the pain I'm often in.
I'm not currently on medication except for Klonopin as needed for anxiety and panic attacks. I've been on anti-depressents in the past with varying success. But, it's always good to keep that in mind.
Time for bed.....Anneke
Posted by fallsfall on December 9, 2005, at 22:39:37
In reply to Re: adult onset self injury (long and ***trigger.***) » fairywings, posted by Anneke on December 9, 2005, at 21:26:21
I started self injuring as an adult (around 40). With therapy and a lot of work, I'm doing better with it. It really does help to talk about it with your therapist. Good luck.
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