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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by littleone on December 29, 2005, at 15:16:17
I wanted to share my last session with you guys. It was the last one before my T went away on his first break. I only have 4 days until he comes back now so I feel like I can start to let a few things out instead of holding them all in real tight.
Bear in mind that it was the last session before his break, so I wanted a nice easy session, nothing upsetting and I wanted to try and be a little connected to him before he left.
Instead, I had two nightmares come true.
My session was scheduled for 4pm and at lunch time I got a call from his receptionist asking if I could come in earlier. It turned out that he had no sessions booked between 12 and 4 and then I was his last appointment on his last day of work.
This is real nightmare material for me. I hate to be a bother to anyone and this is like the biggest bother. To have someone sitting around and twiddling their thumbs and waiting for me and getting sh*tty at me because I'm stopping them from having an early day for once.
I know logically that that isn't how he felt about it all. And I had managed to write a bit of this on the bottom of the writeup I did for him that session, so he did talk about it. But it didn't really work. Didn't really get through to me. And I think that's because he was talking to the adult, when it's a young part that's upset about this.
So anyway, I couldn't bear to hold him up like that, so I told the receptionist I would come in early but didn't know when I could be there. She said that was fine, to just come in whenever.
So I turned up a couple of hours early and nightmare number two happened. No one was there. I was locked out. Logically I knew they'd just ducked out and would be back soon, but jeez, that was a bad hour for me. Very bad. Can't write about that yet.
Eventually he turned up and let me in and we had our session and it was just awful because I was such a vegetable and still rather distressed. And the whole time I was thinking that I should have just gone home, that this session would wreck his holidays for me before he even left.
But then towards the end of the session, he asked to see a photo. We have this thing where I take photos when I'm out somewhere and it's usually a photo of something a young part wants to show him about the outing. I think it is a young part who is connectd to him a bit and doing the photo thing helps that along.
So I had a photo of a sculptured plaque thing that was set in the track at the start of a hike I did recently. It's real pretty and it had a bird and a frog and a butterfly and a snake and a worm and leaves and a tree root and sum snails and other things in it.
And it was like he was really talking to the young part directly about it and it was so nice and it made it all better before he went away. I even stayed connected to him for 2 days which is a long time for me.
And it's so funny when he talks to a young part directly. I feel it so strongly inside me (the young part that is) just bursting with happiness and it babbles on about "did you see that? He talked to me. He was talking to me." and other stuff like it's just so ... I don't know the word ... proud/happy that he acknowledged she existed and he was nice to her and seemed to care about her and was interested in her.
Instead of dismissed, ignored, talked down to, other stuff that we got from childhood.
I miss him. Wish he would come back and talk to her again.
Posted by Dinah on December 29, 2005, at 20:39:48
In reply to Very bad/Very good session, posted by littleone on December 29, 2005, at 15:16:17
I hate it when the last session before a break doesn't go well. Having a last minute time switch would be disconcerting enough.
I'm glad he was able to connect in the end. Sometimes that's enough isn't it?
Posted by Tamar on December 30, 2005, at 11:10:12
In reply to Very bad/Very good session, posted by littleone on December 29, 2005, at 15:16:17
Argh! How awful to feel you were holding him up (even though you knew that really you weren’t) and then to arrive and find no one was there! Gosh, I’m surprised you were able to do therapy at all after that! And I know you said you weren’t in the best state…
I remember one time my T was half an hour late for my appointment and by the time he arrived my mind had melted into a little purple puddle in the floor. I pretty much had to wipe it up with an imaginary cloth and shove it in my bag. After he finally arrived he said to me, “You seem very anxious today. Is that normal for you?” I wanted to say, “Well, I thought you’d completely forgotten about me, abandoned me or got fed up with me; of *course* I’m anxious.” But instead I just shrugged and thought of my liquid mind, still in my bag, making my wallet sticky. (Yeah, I’m weird.)
So when I remember how I felt then, I can imagine it must have been absolutely terrifying for you to be locked out. But when he asked about the picture, that was really sweet. And yeah, I know what you mean about talking directly to the young part. I haven’t experienced my parts in quite the same way, but there were times when my T seemed to reach a part of me that I couldn’t reach myself, and the way you describe it, ‘bursting with happiness’: that makes so much sense to me. What a lovely moment. How wonderful for your young part to get his full attention and care like that. It’s very precious, isn’t it?
Tamar
Posted by littleone on December 30, 2005, at 20:55:15
In reply to Re: Very bad/Very good session » littleone, posted by Dinah on December 29, 2005, at 20:39:48
> I'm glad he was able to connect in the end. Sometimes that's enough isn't it?
Yeah it is :) but I still don't really understand this. Just thinking about him now makes me feel like doing a happy dance. You know the type Snoopy used to do with his nose tilted up to the sky and a look of bliss on his face and dancing around on his toes.
I don't get it. Some days I think I'd be much better off leaving him and seeing another T. Some days I feel so alone and yearn for him so badly. But today I feel a smile lurking whenever I think of him.
Posted by littleone on December 30, 2005, at 21:13:20
In reply to Re: Very bad/Very good session » littleone, posted by Tamar on December 30, 2005, at 11:10:12
> Gosh, I’m surprised you were able to do therapy at all after that!
I didn't feel like I had much of a choice. I'm always trying to be a good girl and good girls keep their appointments. It would have been very bad of me to leave. I know how wrong all that is, but it's how I feel inside.
Plus, I'm always wanting to do a runner. He's got it into me a bit now the fact that when I want to run is exactly when I shouldn't, that I need to stay at those times. But it's hard. I always seem to have such good reasons for wanting to leave.
> I remember one time my T was half an hour late for my appointment and by the time he arrived my mind had melted into a little purple puddle in the floor. I pretty much had to wipe it up with an imaginary cloth and shove it in my bag. After he finally arrived he said to me, “You seem very anxious today. Is that normal for you?” I wanted to say, “Well, I thought you’d completely forgotten about me, abandoned me or got fed up with me; of *course* I’m anxious.” But instead I just shrugged and thought of my liquid mind, still in my bag, making my wallet sticky. (Yeah, I’m weird.)Not weird at all. It's great to see how someone's mind works :)
And yeah, those abandonment fears were very strong for me. Especially because they were towards the front anyway with him about to go on leave.
Luckily (?) he can read me well enough to know there was more wrong than just the first nightmare. I'm able to admit to something being wrong now and I think after a lot of persuding from him I even managed to say it was because he wasn't there. But that was as far as I could take it. He was asking if I felt this or that or thought this or that, but it was too hard. I'm supposed to write about it, but blah. I can only do that if I really imagine it happening again and get right back into those feelings and obviously that's the last thing I want to do.
> But when he asked about the picture, that was really sweet. And yeah, I know what you mean about talking directly to the young part. I haven’t experienced my parts in quite the same way, but there were times when my T seemed to reach a part of me that I couldn’t reach myself, and the way you describe it, ‘bursting with happiness’: that makes so much sense to me. What a lovely moment. How wonderful for your young part to get his full attention and care like that. It’s very precious, isn’t it?Yeah, precious is a good word for it. Especially considering how rare it is. I certainly do not/have never gotten it from anywhere else. And he doesn't do it very often. I think because he believes that making me feel good or comforting me or whatever isn't going to make me better. That working me hard is kinder to me in the long run. So I'm not sure if it was a deliberate move on his part to give me that little precious moment because he was going away, or if it was something that would have happened anyway.
It was a much better gift than the pen he tried to give me. He wanted me to take it, but I wouldn't. The pen is bad for me. Plus I have his hanky which would do the same job as a pen anyway.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 31, 2005, at 7:45:41
In reply to Re: Very bad/Very good session, posted by littleone on December 30, 2005, at 20:55:15
> But today I feel a smile lurking whenever I think of him.
That's a great feeling, isn't it? I hope you can hang onto it and remember it when you don't feel connected.
And your photo sounds very cool. :)
gg
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