![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Wittgenstein on September 12, 2007, at 4:59:16
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but anyway...
I wonder if anyone else has faced this catch-22 situation and how did you cope? Any suggestions?
I'm trying to get better - trying to work through the past in therapy. For 20 years I suffered a lot of physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my mother, all the while my father stood passively at her side, never sticking up for me, never daring to question her (on the occasions he did, she would walk out in a rage only returning hours later or she would set upon him instead, which I hated even more).
I'm out of that situation now but my parents remain the same. My mother still does her best to control my life - phoning/e-mailing and expecting me to phone/e-mail her. Everytime I speak to her it hurts me so much - I love her, she's my mother, but have so much hate and anger. I feel sick afterwards. The last months, as I try to make progress it feels like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Practically every month I end up visiting them or they me (even though we are in separate countries!). I just don't know how to stand up to her - I'm so terrified of her I'd sooner let her have what she wants than say "well, actually, no, I don't want to visit you - it hurts me too much".
In May I had to get a letter from the psychiatrist in my home town for my university - first my partner and I arranged to visit while they were on holiday so we would miss them. I told my dad in secret of our plans but he let slip to my mum and then I had her screaming at me down the phone how I was avoiding her, didn't love her, hated her..., crying and sending manipulative e-mails. To make up we ended up staying a week :( - and there was so much stress trying to 'keep the peace' that she insisted I come back again some weeks later without my boyfriend 'driving a wedge between me and her' as she accused him of. And the story continues... visits in July, August... and now October... and they want to visit in December. Every one of these visits sends me back into a dip, which takes weeks to crawl out of.
I'm already having nightmares about the impending visit in October. If I were a bit better then maybe, maybe I might for once stand up to her and say "No!" but I'm nowhere near that. I wish she could just leave me alone for half a year. She's completely oblivious of what she's done to me all these years - it's like it's all 'forgotten', or never even happened as far as she's concerned.
This is the woman, my mother, who when she saw me after I'd tried to kill myself, scolded me for missing my dentist appointment the morning after and screamed "I'm so angry... if I'd been there at the time I would have finished you off! You couldn't even do that properly!"
It's so pathetic but this situation is destroying me.
Witti
Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on September 12, 2007, at 7:35:24
In reply to Nightmares and Parents **triggers**, posted by Wittgenstein on September 12, 2007, at 4:59:16
Hi Witty,
First of all (((Witty))). I too have been abused by my mother and sometimes I think it is the worse of all evils. Mothers are not suppose to abuse, right? Very few people can comprehend this , and most expect you to "honor thy parents". I finally cut the strings and ended all contact with my mom (it is hard to call her that because she never was a "mom", more like a "monester".) It has been 7 years since I have cut off contact. It was what I needed to do to stop the abuse, and to protect my kids from her.
I understand you not being able to stand up to her. It took finding out she held a gun to my brothers head 2 days after X-mas, 2 days after my dad passed away. That was the last straw for me.
In a way it was a blessing, becuase I got away from her and had good reason to in my mind. Even tought I had plenty of reasons before that. Eventually you have to make a decision for yourself. Some people will never understand if you cut off contact, but many of us here do, so this is a great place to come. Please babblemail me if you like to talk. It is a horrible situation to be in. Please take care, and keep yourself safe.
Posted by Sigismund on September 12, 2007, at 15:32:43
In reply to Nightmares and Parents **triggers**, posted by Wittgenstein on September 12, 2007, at 4:59:16
You might have thought that moving to a different country would do the trick?
>In May I had to get a letter from the psychiatrist in my home town for my university - first my partner and I arranged to visit while they were on holiday so we would miss them. I told my dad in secret of our plans but he let slip to my mum and then I had her screaming at me down the phone how I was avoiding her, didn't love her, hated her..., crying and sending manipulative e-mails.
Maybe in the above case you shouldn't have trusted your father?
Somehow it is important for you to have a break from your mother, but I don't see how you can if she is uninterested in how things are with you and/or you are unable to tell her in a way that she will listen to.When I went home I felt pain that was like heartburn. I could feel it chewing me up.
I assume your mother's approach is along the (affectionate?) lines of you're so hopeless you need her help.
Are you frightened of hurting your mother and father?
Perhaps you are *too* frightened of that?
From your mother's response to your suicide attempt, I'd say she refuses (incapable?) to enter your private life and is in a completely different space to you.
(I don't know why, but it occurred to me that she is lonely. She's certainly not getting real contact with you(?)
Unless you think she is, but that is quite scary. What I mean by that is.....are you dealing with insensitivity, or attack or what?)>You couldn't even do that properly!
That's what Stalin said about his son's attempt, if it makes you feel any better.Perhaps you could try giving yourself some of the same freedom and license your mother appears to give herself, at least for a bit?
Posted by arora on September 12, 2007, at 15:36:06
In reply to Nightmares and Parents **triggers**, posted by Wittgenstein on September 12, 2007, at 4:59:16
There is a book that I found helpful, (and yeah, I know I'm always recommending books, but since I'm without a T they are the next best thing- lol!) it's called "Toxic Parents: Overcoming their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" by Susan Forward. Your T might be familiar with it, and would know if it might be helpful for you, too.
I know that you said in your post that you are at university, so probably don't want the expense of buying more books- maybe the library where you are might have it; or Amazon have got quite a few second hand copies... it is very good, and helped me to learn ways of diffusing situations- or at least I now recognise when I'm being triggered by events and can try to step back from the situation.
arora
Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on September 12, 2007, at 16:02:25
In reply to Re: Nightmares and Parents **triggers** » Wittgenstein, posted by arora on September 12, 2007, at 15:36:06
Arora,
You are right that is a very good book. I got my from the library because if I actually bought every book I read, I would be in the poor house. I guess I could burn the books for heat this winter if i had to.
Take care witty.
Posted by antigua3 on September 12, 2007, at 18:33:50
In reply to Re: Nightmares and Parents **triggers** » arora, posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on September 12, 2007, at 16:02:25
I just read Alice Miller's "The Body Never Lies," which addresses the bind we are in when our parents are our abusers. If focuses a lot on the Fourth Commandment--loving thy father and mother--which is ingrained in us (not just religiously, but by society as well), and how caught we are between believing we have to love them and hating them for the way they treated us. It was a great book, really tough for me, but it also made it clear to me that our parents don't deserve our love just because they are our parents.
take care,
antigua
Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on September 12, 2007, at 20:58:31
In reply to another book recommendation, posted by antigua3 on September 12, 2007, at 18:33:50
I just read that book last month,it is a very intense one. Could be triggery for many, but for someone who endured child abuse, it almost seems like it wasn't as bad as that poor girl went through.
Posted by Wittgenstein on September 14, 2007, at 2:25:36
In reply to Re: Nightmares and Parents **triggers** » Wittgenstein, posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on September 12, 2007, at 7:35:24
Thank you for your replies.
" I too have been abused by my mother and sometimes I think it is the worse of all evils. "
*** HF, it is a comfort to know there are others out there (although I would never wish this on anyone). I'm so sorry you went through this too. You are very courageous to have found a way to break free from her. How awful it took such a terrible thing to give you the strength.
I think cutting contact is what I need to do but it will be difficult - it might well mean cutting contact with the entire family. I can't bear the thought of being there with her in October.
For all these years, I've held onto hope in a way (I think I needed to as at times I felt I might just disappear). I always saw myself as to blame, that's what I was told and taught - and I believed that maybe I could do something to change the situation - if it's my fault, then it's within me to change things. I have one brother and he gets on well with my mother. She explodes at him at times but not often - she isn't violent toward him. He was always her perceived 'role model' to whom I never managed to live up - it didn't matter what I did. He helped in 'disciplining' me. Together they refer to me as 'the stupid child' (even now at 22 they still call me this).
I don't know what's normal and what's not - that makes me sound awful.
I just finished reading a book by Dr. Christine Lawson called "Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping her children transcend the intense , unpredictable, and volatile relationship". It's opened my eyes - I hadn't realised half the things that went on were even 'wrong'. It's also brought back too many painful things that I'd 'forgotten'. I needed to read a book like this but now I don't know what to do. I feel so sad and broken. I cried so much yesterday. Now my throat is sore and I have a throbbing head. I feel like I'm already dead.
In an hour I will go to therapy. I mentioned in a mail to him that I'd read this book. I told him I was scared he'd disapprove. I'm still terrified he doesn't believe me or thinks I deserved it or that I'm a 'drama queen'. All I can think now is to give up - I think I have given up in fact. I want to tidy up and say goodbye. I'm not sure how else to ever find peace.
I need to tell this to my T but a big part of me wants to thank him for his efforts and bid him farewell.
I'm sorry, this is too heavy.
Thank you for the suggestions - including the books.
Witti
Posted by Happyflower 1 :-) on September 14, 2007, at 9:10:19
In reply to Re: Nightmares and Parents **triggers**, posted by Wittgenstein on September 14, 2007, at 2:25:36
Hi Witty,
Cutting off contact is tough, very hard. I did eventually cut off contact from her family too. But it wasn't so hard, because I wasn't close to anyone there and plus they were kinda all really disfunctional. I miss my cousins though. But the reason I had to cut off contact is because my grandma and aunts would try to force me to be with my mother by inviting me over and surprise, my mom would be there. So I don't trust them.
My grandma would call up and leave angry messages, like how dare I leave my mom, after all she went through with my dying father. I am thinking, she was off messing around with another guy while leaveing my dying father at home, even on the holidays. She got married 6 mo. after my dad died. Hello? Then the recent message she said come out to the campground and have a hotdog with her. LOL yeah right! I wouldn't do that if I was starving and needed anything to eat to survive, I would rather die than see her and have a hotdog with her.
So if you decide to cut off contact, I will understand, and can support you. But maybe you aren't ready yet and that is okay too. I too understand the comfort of knowing I am not the only one. In fact they have found out that more abuses happen from mothers than fathers. But that is probably because there are more mothers raising kids nowdays. But still even with proof, it is just uncomprehendable to most people. It sucks when people don't believe you and when they look at you like you must be an terrible person to talk ill of your mother or to cut off contact.
Take care, witty
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.