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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lucie Lu on May 28, 2008, at 19:43:12
Hi all, I have been reading this board for some time but never posted before. Especially Dinah's fighting to relationship, which this relates to. I have been seeing my T for over 5 yrs. He has faithfully seen me through hell and back as I worked through CA issues and memories. Now, thanks to his help, I'm on the other side and can look at the trauma with some "been there, done that" sense and ready to move on. The problem is, I think our relationship has not moved past what it was. I have felt stuck recently in therapy and I think he has too, but somehow don't feel we're on the same page. I have been leaving sessions feeling more depressed than ever. I finally realized we have a therapeutic impasse. How do I break through it? I am so afraid I will say or do something that will threaten our connection, and I have little confidence that I can accurately identify "what's wrong here" within myself.
Posted by muffled on May 28, 2008, at 23:00:15
In reply to impasse in therapy?, posted by Lucie Lu on May 28, 2008, at 19:43:12
Maybe you mostly done?
Maybe its time to consider termination phase?
Dunno.
Welcome to babble.
It can be OK here.
M
Posted by Lucie Lu on May 28, 2008, at 23:18:40
In reply to Re: impasse in therapy?, posted by muffled on May 28, 2008, at 23:00:15
Thank you for the welcome. Like many other posters, discussion of termination makes me anxious and uncomfortable - so much so, I don't know whether that's the current problem or not. We certainly have pretty much wrapped up the trauma side of things, not that it ever goes away but I think I can handle living with it now. But... all the other interpersonal, relationship stuff that has always been a problem for me is still a problem, and that stuff I don't know what to do with. So I think I still need therapy. Maybe what is involved in this sense of impasse is our needing to transition from a very dependent relationship to an equally committed and connected, but more "adult" relationship. I just really don't know how to raise this with him, not sure how to say it to him given all our history together.
Posted by Daisym on May 28, 2008, at 23:22:52
In reply to impasse in therapy?, posted by Lucie Lu on May 28, 2008, at 19:43:12
Sometimes just naming the impasse and wondering about it can help break it. You might also look at what has worked before.
I don't know what kind of therapy you've been doing, but in attachment-based therapy, when a client feels secure and the intrusive traumas have started to receed, it is very typical for a client to get restless and want to "explore" some. Meaning, your therapist will remain your safe base but it may be that you are looking at adding other things in your life that help you enjoy your sense of happiness and security. I think it is the switch from being in the past and worrying about the future to being more in the here and now.
It probably feels hard to make this shift because so much of the connection has been through telling about past events and looking at their impact on your life. And talking about feeling "well" in therapy can be a scary thing. For me, at least, I sometimes think I'm not supposed to have sessions when things are going great - but my therapist often comments on how much he likes to hear the good stuff ("too") and I'm not wasting his time talking about by successes. He pointed out that I've never been emotionally held and regulated around any major emotions - negative or positive. So I'm almost as uncomfortable with feeling happy as I am feeling depressed.
Since you've been reading here awhile, I'm sure you know that we often tell each other - "talk about it, talk about it, talk about it." What ever needs to come up and out will.
Glad you decided to start posting.
Daisy
Posted by B2chica on May 29, 2008, at 10:45:06
In reply to impasse in therapy?, posted by Lucie Lu on May 28, 2008, at 19:43:12
First and foremost...WELCOME!!!
so glad to see you here. there are so many smart and experienced people here that can help with anything regarding T's. i think we about been through it all.******************
you know my first instinct response was the same. ready for different T. for different phase.
but you know what's best for you right now and maybe you need to start THINKING about it but not do anything about it. and that may not be the right answer for you at all. afterall he knows your history and maybe you need someone that you don't have to explain all that too to help you understand the struggles in your NOW life..
how often do you see him?i think moving to an 'adult' relationship with him can go two ways. 1)slow take your time and it can happen gradually not upsetting or harming you. 2)not at all, part of you needs to keep this dependent relationship to the injured part of you that has helped the littleone inside you, it will be VERY hard to in a sense loose that. BUT..and thats a BIG BUT that could be ME talking...me and my littleone never wanting to loose my T. (most likely)
**i think it is best to talk about with your T (like you want to) to see if you should even do that with him.
i would try to be blunt, for me that always works the best.
maybe try writing it down and taking it into session. or printing out your post. this is a classic around here. i can't TELL you how many times it was SO hard for me to say something in session but i was able to start saying it or say it on babble so people here encouraged me to print out my post...i did and took it to session. if i couldn't read it i handed it to T and let him read it.and dont' worry about your T's response. if he's a good T he will be happy to hear that you are ready to this phase. because moving to this phase does not necessarily mean termination, it means you are growing! and ready to move and talk about different issues.
Best Luck Lucie!
love the name btw.b2c.
Posted by Dinah on May 29, 2008, at 11:02:30
In reply to impasse in therapy?, posted by Lucie Lu on May 28, 2008, at 19:43:12
I'm glad if my experiences have been helpful to you. My therapist and I have worked hard to get to where we are, and we were talking about the term "fighting to relationship" just last session.
He is aware of the multiple layers of meaning, which is nice. How fighting means more than arguing, though it includes arguing. But it also means struggling toward something, or for something, instead of tearing it down.
I'd say your dilemma is something I've been dealing with for a while, and some times I have more success than others. Sometimes I'm frankly bored and dissatisfied and think therapy may well be over. Other times I feel like I'm reaching levels that I never even dreamed of before, and learning so much about.... Hmmm... How to describe...
Problem solving still plays a role in therapy. Dealing with challenges that come up. But more than that, we seem to sometimes reach deeper and work on opening myself up to the possibilities of life. Which actually helps with the day to day stuff because it involves a change of perspective.
It *is* hard to keep therapy alive and fresh when you've done it for so long. When there's no crisis. It's not as if you can take off your shoes, curl up on the sofa, and watch some TV together in perfect harmony. Therapy isn't like that.
The only thing to do is to keep talking about it, keep fighting to deeper levels of relationship, try new things if necessary. I considered bringing in one of those therapy games for a while. I still have it - The Ungame.
Sometimes it's taking those risks, saying something that you're afraid might threaten the connection, that moves you past an impasse. A lot depends on how safe you feel with him, and what you intend to say of course. I spoke frankly with my therapist about feeling bored and wondering if therapy was over. He had me look at that possibility. But then something happened, a deepened mutuality. As you might have read from my posts, this doesn't mean that he discloses his private life. But it does mean that we have a reasonably mutual engagement in the moment. I allow myself to see him as a person and to take his needs into account rather than just seeing him as the allgiving therapist/mommy that I still see him as. Just not exclusively. And he let himself be seen.
One thing that I do occasionally, and that seems to break minor therapy jams, is to be playful and silly. To just have fun. Not for long periods of time, but for a session here and there. To break the patterns, to feel connected, to possibly break the routine of feeling stuck.
But mainly it's discussion. It's telling him how you feel, and letting him tell you how he feels. It was hard for my therapist to really do that. To trust me that I could handle it, and that it would actually be beneficial to me in modeling good relationship techniques.
I also find it helps a lot to work out in writing some of what I'm feeling. I usually do that here. I start out with one thought, and then by answering the responses of others I work to another thought, and often end up with a thought that bears little relation to the first but lies beneath the first and guides it. It doesn't have to be on Babble. It could be in a journal. I just find the ping pong of ideas on Babble helps a lot with it. Even if I think that a response doesn't precisely resonate for me, in figuring out why, I learn something new about what I am thinking or feeling.
Posted by Lucie Lu on May 29, 2008, at 11:59:30
In reply to impasse in therapy?, posted by Lucie Lu on May 28, 2008, at 19:43:12
I really appreciate the thoughtful emails from you all. They have helped me to crystallize my feelings. My T and I are meeting this afternoon (normally 2x/week). I missed the last session because of work but the session before, I felt more upset than ever and we haven't talked about that yet. I am writing things down, as well as using these posts, in the hopes of being able to articulate feelings that have been there underground for months. Something Dinah wrote about sharing himself being hard for her T sounded similar. I have been trying to tell him that I need to "experience him experiencing me." He tries but it is obviously not a familiar mode for him, and our history is complicated in that area (has included a strong positive TF from me, part maternal, part M/F). He is frustrated because he feels that no matter how much he tries to show me his depth of caring, I can't seem to feel it so it never seems to be enough. Given my ACOA history, I need to feel that someone is really seeing me for who I am and not just looking through me or past me. The crux is, how can this be done between us? But I think I've contributed to this impasse by reverting to compliance to keep the connection safe, and in doing so have sacrificed my own opportunity to grow once we got the immediate trauma work behind us. I still have relational problems, self esteem issues etc to work through and it's hard to do from such a position of dependency. There's going to be a lot to talk about today and I'm pretty nervous that I'm going to blow it or freeze or whatever. Fingers crossed... will let you know how it goes...
Posted by B2chica on May 29, 2008, at 13:11:09
In reply to wish me luck, posted by Lucie Lu on May 29, 2008, at 11:59:30
LUUUUUUUCKK!!!!!
ok, you'll probably read this after your session.
but after reading this.
i want to revoke my first impression. i think doing this work with another T would be a mistake. i think that by facing this with this T would be such a growth experience for you and an Important one.
almost like giving a voice also and given your ACOA background this is Soooooo important that this is an issue you will be fighting for a while (like me and many others here). that this T is the perfect one to be working on these issues with.so Carry on my little lucie lu!
and tell us how it went when you get back (only if ya feel like sharing...)
b2c
Posted by Lucie Lu on May 29, 2008, at 17:59:57
In reply to Re: wish me luck » Lucie Lu, posted by B2chica on May 29, 2008, at 13:11:09
Actually I read your post just before I left for the appt. The encouragement was much appreciated because I felt like I was taking a big risk today. But my T responded soooo well! I will post later with details when I have time - it was an amazing session. And B2C you are spot on about the ACOA part. This really IS the therapy. More later.
This is the end of the thread.
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