![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by star008 on June 6, 2008, at 17:44:21
Thanks to all of you who have been here for me.. I have had so little to give lately but i will try harder to support others too.. sometimes it is hard for me to give what i don't have.I told T i was embarrassed.. he understands but says of course there is no judgement..I thought about what you said Muffled about seeing a DID T and we talked about that too and decided that if we knew along time ago that I was DID that that would have been the way to go but at this point I don't want to switch T's has never worked with anyone like me so he has to learn. He would have picked up on it years ago if he had experience, i think. I would like to see a DID T just to see waht it is like to be understood. Sometimes I have to explain too much. This time was hard too and I stayed up all nite afterwards and ended up cutting by morning., (that is not something I do). I was just so sad or something?? I switched rapidly all through the session.. I don't think he noticed except for the really obvious one. I feel sucdh resistance even to working on things and getting better,. Does that makes sense?? I want to sabatage everything. Myabe an ikid?? I don't know.. It su*ks and I am confused.. I am okay today but don't know waht to do when I get stuck after sessions in one of my ikids..
Posted by muffled on June 6, 2008, at 18:34:09
In reply to Saw T follow up ddnos blah, posted by star008 on June 6, 2008, at 17:44:21
> Thanks to all of you who have been here for me.. I have had so little to give lately but i will try harder to support others too.. sometimes it is hard for me to give what i don't have.
*then don't worry bout it. your time to give will come. No worries.
>I told T i was embarrassed.. he understands but says of course there is no judgement.
*Yeah my oldT was very good about it all, just didn't know what to do to help me.
>I thought about what you said Muffled about seeing a DID T and we talked about that too and decided that if we knew along time ago that I was DID that that would have been the way to go but at this point I don't want to switch T's has never worked with anyone like me so he has to learn. He would have picked up on it years ago if he had experience, i think.
*Ya, my newT notices stuff my oldT never would have noticed. My oldT, once she found out how confusing and how much work it was to learn....I kinda think she lost interest...she semi retired so she didn't wanto get into it. And I was frustrated w/always trying to explain stuff to her. Insiders would not trust her cuz they could tell she wasn't so confident, and then sometimes she would say the dumbest things as far as DD go.
I still email oldT now and again, so its not like she GONE. I could go back, but I would never would cuz there would be no point in continuing with her.>I would like to see a DID T just to see waht it is like to be understood. Sometimes I have to explain too much.
*I only been to the one I didn't like once. Then a free 20 mins plus two 50 min appts with newT. But DAMN, I can't tell you, its indescribable to be with a T that considers all this stuff NORMAL, and just takes it utterly for granted, and knows to change tack as switches happen, and to ground when neccessary. I don't have to goto T to teach HER, she helps me understand myself. Its HUGE. On another site there is a lady who has reg T who she is bonded with, but she does do phone consults w/DD T to get more info. She has no DD T near her.
Its just DD's are SO crazymaking at best....it takes real knowing to try and sort thru the people. There's ongoing conflicts and probs with trust. DD T's IF they any good, know how to work thru this stuff. NOT all DD T's are good.
>This time was hard too and I stayed up all nite afterwards and ended up cutting by morning., (that is not something I do). I was just so sad or something??*Yeah...even w/DD T I do that, stuff gets all churned up.
>I switched rapidly all through the session.. I don't think he noticed except for the really obvious one. I feel sucdh resistance even to working on things and getting better,.
*See that IT exactly, PARTS resist. Oh it is SO confusing, my newT said parts of me want to be here and get help, but other parts do not.
>Does that makes sense?? I want to sabatage everything. Myabe an ikid?? I don't know.. It su*ks and I am confused.. I am okay today but don't know waht to do when I get stuck after sessions in one of my ikids..
*What you say makes TOTAL sense. Even nonDID people will sabotage their therapy. Just with DD's its more convuluted and confusing and the resistance is harder to source. But it CAN be done. You can find and get to know parts and get them to work more together. Find out why parts are causing probs and maybe find ways to better meet their needs.
Its just with regT they will approach "you" and talk to "you" and then other parts get pissed off and feel left out, then switchy, anger, confusion, fighting inside.
We worked on what grounds me most on last session. I said my IRL kids. T said keep a pic of them to look at.
T SHOULD be leaving 10-15 mins at end of session to ensure that you are back in a mode that is OK w/you. If you are in a kid, maybe he can try and talk to the kid and get them to goto a safe place inside(I have a sandbox). Sometimes that has worked for me. Mostly, just getting into a basic non threatening adult type conversation will bring me back. T can ask bout kids, or work, or ask bout house or whatever.
These are things that work for me.
Sometimes I do not drive right after sessions if I feel not right. I will go for a walk, or sleep in car(or hide in T's hallway!!!LOL!) until I feel OK to drive.
I know its hard to even uimagine having a new T. I couldn't before, but once I realize DD and that T was NOT workiing on learning fast enuf, I became very frustrated and wanted to find DD T. Like I say, maybe you and T can just consult TOGETHER. You not leaving T, but you are having a chance to experience a DD T in a safe way. Even if you just went 1x/mo, even on your own, just to touch base w/DD T, but still goto oldT, that would proly be OK, cuz you'd want to know DD T was OK first anyways. All T's are so NOT created equal. Maybe you could ask your T bout this sort of thing? and he could help you find some DD T's to try out? Just as an adjunct to your present therapy? Its just SO nice to be understood. But I just beginning, maybe I will not like it, I dunno. Don't think I got a whole lot of choice. Its hard though.
Are your AD's working for you?
I am going to get seroquel(AAP) cuz I not gonna get thru this therapy w/o SOMEthing I think. I get it next week I think.
Take good care, goto go.
M
Posted by star008 on June 7, 2008, at 2:22:03
In reply to Re: Saw T follow up ddnos blah, posted by muffled on June 6, 2008, at 18:34:09
hey muffled..,
ad's pooped out.. not working too good at all but i don't know how i would be without them. i don't see p-doc till the end of the month but i might call him and see if we can switch to something else.. i am on cymbalta right now. seroquel made me sick..i don't know muffled.. i maybe should see someone else but i don't want to either.. would help if t went with me.. I can ask him if the time seems right. this isw so hard. i have trouble finding a safe place. seems to me like no where is safe. evfen thinking about safe place makes me feel uncomfortable.. i gotta go to sleep.. don't like going to sleep either.,,..lol.. i just don't like nothing
Posted by muffled on June 7, 2008, at 11:43:24
In reply to Re: Saw T follow up ddnos blah » muffled, posted by star008 on June 7, 2008, at 2:22:03
> hey muffled..,
> ad's pooped out.. not working too good at all but i don't know how i would be without them. i don't see p-doc till the end of the month but i might call him and see if we can switch to something else.. i am on cymbalta right now. seroquel made me sick..*hope you can get in to see p-doc sooner.
> i don't know muffled.. i maybe should see someone else but i don't want to either.. would help if t went with me.. I can ask him if the time seems right. this isw so hard. i have trouble finding a safe place. seems to me like no where is safe. evfen thinking about safe place makes me feel uncomfortable.. i gotta go to sleep.. don't like going to sleep either.,,..lol.. i just don't like nothing*I think at this time, you stay with present T, but just TRY some visits w/other T AS WELL. It may well help with the hopeless feelings.
I read one time bout others that had a hard time with visualization of safe place.
One said that they had a small tent in their room. In the tent were some safe articals, In the tent she could feel safe. It worked for her. Maybe if you can't visualize, you can create a physical safe place to help?
Are you able to be around people that are OK for you? For me isolating is a real problem. Letting others help me is a real problem, even though I know rationally, they would want to help.
Can you plan some activities(esp w/others) that you might enjoy? Going for a coffee? Going for a picnic or hike somewhere?
Don't be afraid to lean on others. In time you will find answers and be more well, and then you can help others. We all need to help and to receive help from time to time.
In fact I would RATHER be the helper, than the helpee. Its easier to help in many ways.
Try and listen and accept those inside. They are who they are. They've gotten stuck in their fear and pain, but with time you can help them. Its a slow process, a confusing process, but things do get better.
At this point, for the most part, I would NOT want to lose my others. I am used to them, as long as things are calm, I like the noise, I am used to it. And to be fair, they have every right to enjoy life too.
I ramble,
Hope you can feel a bit better.
M
Posted by star008 on June 7, 2008, at 16:01:22
In reply to Re: Saw T follow up ddnos blah, posted by muffled on June 7, 2008, at 11:43:24
thanks muffled.. you make alot of sense.. i isolate too.. i know it is not good for me.. it would help if people were around like you who actually understood.;. most people would think people like us are nuts.. we know we aren't.. i forced myself to go out with a friend last nite. it wasn't all that much fun but it was nice to see her and it was good for me to get out of my own head for awhile. It would be more fun if I wasn't busy trying to contain ikids.. i don't understand cutting..it seems like i did it so T would notice, like the kid wants attention and doesn't know how else to ask for it.. dmn it i hurt... that is kind of stupid..lol.. now i gotta go to wqork and ocver it up and say the cat got me.. hee hee.. oh the trouble i cause sometimes. thanks for being my friend muffled.. it helps swo much to have someone who know exactly waht i am saying
Posted by rskontos on June 7, 2008, at 21:36:50
In reply to Re: Saw T follow up ddnos blah » muffled, posted by star008 on June 7, 2008, at 16:01:22
star, mine (inners)just recently cancelled an appt with T for him and my H to meet because we were all freaking about it. I tried to tell h im how I felt but I covered it up and then of course someone else came out and took over. It was a bad scene. And T did not think about it because whoever it was used my name and T just thought it was me, but it wasn't. I never remembered making the call. I got angry at him for not knowing it wasn't me but relieved that he and H wasn't meeting. It is funny how they do know better sometimes best how to handle things.
And I have been thinking cause T and I are still not on the best or easiest of terms caused I said some pretty nasty things. Well it wasn't really me, it was mostly angry one. Whatever or whoever she is. And we haven't met since then. t wants to talk about how he can convince me he isn't out to get me.
But for me, to go into the emotional side of my brain, it just isn't comfortable. I am ok in my rational side. I believe my inners or others because I don't thin k they are all kids. they are the ones that take over the emotional side. When I need to be emotional bam I am gone, and they appear.
I believe my parents robbed me of being comfortable with my emotions. I killed them off when I was young and my others took over for me. This is my belief.
My mother was abusive and my father was detached. Still is.
And it started very young. I believe firmly it started as a toddler.
If I have to blend more, I like that term better than integrate, I am not sure I can handle the emotional parts.
I have been reading more and I understand my T better. He is a ddt and he is actually handling things according to the therapies that are recommended. I am just not sure I am there for it.
You know. It is so much easier to isolate and stay in the familiar.
I try but still it is not an easy process and maybe I am not trying hard enough.
For now I think I have shut down to the process. I still don't trust him or me. sigh this is tough.
Maybe I just want to move on and not go deeper, what i have discovered and found out is scary enough.
Too bad we can't have DD thing like AA. So we could have meetings. Probably wouldn't work since we wouldn't trust each other but I understand how it means to have people to understand. I have only one friend that knows. Outside of her an d T only Babble.
It all goes back to what I told T, therapy is lonely business!
rsk
Posted by star008 on June 8, 2008, at 1:41:23
In reply to Re: Saw T follow up ddnos blah » star008, posted by rskontos on June 7, 2008, at 21:36:50
rsk,,
could imagine a whole group of us together triggering each other?? Would be nice to have some people that understood though. I think my inners come out with emotion too.. Don't know why.
Try not to worry about what u said to T. He knows about DID so he should be okay with it and not take it personally. I don't know if I amtrying hard enough either but don't we work at it as hard as our minds let us?? i move slowly and sabotage things like i don't want to get better. But there have been times when i felt good and i liked those times so it is not that i don't want to feel good ever.
It is all scarey and disturbing but it is what we are left to deal with after being raised by parents who might have been better off getting a poodle..I was not allowed to feel either and i think taht is why the ikids go off sometimes..At the time, they weren't allowed to feel but they still hold on to unexpressed feelings.
No one knows about me except T and babble. Yes,it is a very lonely place to be...
Posted by muffled on June 8, 2008, at 11:22:50
In reply to Re: Saw T follow up ddnos blah » muffled, posted by star008 on June 7, 2008, at 16:01:22
> thanks muffled.. you make alot of sense.. i isolate too.. i know it is not good for me.. it would help if people were around like you who actually understood.;. most people would think people like us are nuts.. we know we aren't..
*LOL, sometimes I think I AM nuts!!!! BUT......I also think everybody else in this crazy world is too!! LOL!
Yeah, it sucks to hide it alla the time, or make excuses when you know you kinda messed up. Only my T's and me know bout the 'others'. Proly if I went off on a tangent and told other people, they would not understand and would try and explain it away. So I not tell them.>i forced myself to go out with a friend last nite. it wasn't all that much fun but it was nice to see her and it was good for me to get out of my own head for awhile. It would be more fun if I wasn't busy trying to contain ikids..
*Well good for you! I know its so hard to drag yourself out when you just wanto hide, so thats real good you went out. What about getting out in nature? That helps me ALOT. I love to hike somewhere where there are views. I just gaze away and get lost in the view.
My T and things I've read have said as far as ikids, to see if you can find them a job to do. Or if there is something that appeals to them, like drawing, or toys. None of mine seem to be into toys. My ikids are stuffed away, I gonna have to let them out eventually...
I guess if you are in a situation where the ikids COULD be OK to be around, maybe you could let them? Is there an older part that would like to help in managing them and keeping them busy? I guess I sound like a nut, but if it works....>i don't understand cutting..it seems like i did it so T would notice, like the kid wants attention and doesn't know how else to ask for it.. dmn it i hurt... that is kind of stupid..lol.. now i gotta go to wqork and ocver it up and say the cat got me.. hee hee.. oh the trouble i cause sometimes. thanks for being my friend muffled.. it helps swo much to have someone who know exactly waht i am saying
*Ya, I am trying to understand SI too. Thats one of the things I am to work on w/new T. I think there are a variety of reasons for me. As to WHO? I don't know, but I thinks there is more than one. I also am having the sneaking suspicion it may be an ikid sometimes, which kinda horrifys me somehow. But definately at times I get the sense that it is an ikids way of 'speaking' cuz it got no words...
Oh MAN excuses! This last one was on a nail(NOT!), the time B4 was a fence(NOT)....its sorta funny yet sad.
Last time I didn't take very good care and now wound is a mess :-( Mebbe its a good lesson for me to not do it again.
Anyhow, hope yopu can get a handle on depression, and ikids can settle some. Your T sounds like he OK.
Take good care.
Sorry if I sound like some kind of know it all. I know DD's are diff for everyone. I just know I like it so muuch when I can relate to others in this.
Thanks Star, you helping me by talking to me.
M
Posted by rskontos on June 8, 2008, at 11:31:07
In reply to Re: Saw T follow up ddnos blah » rskontos, posted by star008 on June 8, 2008, at 1:41:23
Star, thank you made me laugh, the picture of us all triggering each other, I still think we could have fun. We might get arrested though.LOL
And your right about the poodle, but the poor dog would probably have hang ups too. LOL
You take care.
You know something muffled said is true. My sister said she told a cop the other night as he stopped to find out why she and some friends were dancing in a parking lot. She told him or asked him well what does it looking we are doing, we are dancing. He said why, she said they are teaching me how to dance so I don't look goofy on the dance floor. He said you guys are crazy. She said look officer I truly believe in this world today you gotta be a little crazy just to make it in todays world. He left them alone shaking his head. My sister said, I still think I am right. I think those of us that admit we are alittle crazy and deal with it with humor are the better ones.:) I think I agree.
rsk
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.