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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Daisym on June 11, 2008, at 0:25:23
restless
I'm really, really restless. I'm sorry I haven't been here much - I haven't anything intelligent to add to threads. I feel stuck in a painful, lonely way. What is it I'm searching for?
My therapist keeps holding up this mirror that shows me that *I'm* the one who keeps myself isolated and alone - he said I have no community. But I don't know how to create and keep a community. It seems easier to work on letting go of needing people. He doesn't seem to think that is a good idea. Which leaves me mad at him a great deal of the time.
The thing is, I'm totally OK with people needing me. I just don't want to need them. And I have tons of business relationship. It is the after-hours and weekend time that is so open. And while I don't miss being hurt, I miss being held. I want to curl up next to someone and just feel them (and this from someone who hates hugs). How does a person get this really primal need met - not sex - holding?
Blah. I think we need a fun thread. I'll try to start one below.
Posted by muffled on June 11, 2008, at 0:59:17
In reply to Restless, posted by Daisym on June 11, 2008, at 0:25:23
my oldT said some need a busy lots of friends.
Some only need a coupla friends, but deep friends.
But ya, gotta stay connected.
If it weren't for my kids I would not connect much.
I don't connect deeply w/ANYone.
I used to think I would always hurt people if they got near me. Or they would hurt me. Or dissapoint, either way.
Sometimes I get that thing where you want to curl up near someone. But mostly I don't. It feels weird.
I ramble.
I get confused by people stuff and feelings and needs and all that stuff.
I dunno what I searching for, but I am hoping my version of God will eventually guide me, or that I will be able to open my ears and hear what it is He would have me do.
I function.
Maybe to create a community, you need a foundation, like a house. Maybe like a common cause or interest?
Take care,
M
Posted by All Done on June 11, 2008, at 1:10:46
In reply to Restless, posted by Daisym on June 11, 2008, at 0:25:23
Daisy,
I'm sorry it's so hard to let yourself need others and that not doing so leaves you feeling isolated and lonely. Does your T have any suggestions for making changes? I wish I had some, but all I can say is I know how hard it is to need someone. Especially our T's. I feel like it's against the rules or something. And then I tell myself that even if I did allow myself to feel needy, there's nothing he can "really" do about it. I know that isn't true. They do what they can, but there are limits.
I guess the thing is, maybe if we can allow ourselves to need others in our lives, they can extend themselves beyond the limits of a typical therapeutic relationship. So, maybe you would be surprised at what others can and will do for you. Because they want to. Because they care for you. You just have to let them know what you need (easier said than done, of course). Try to drop hints at first, if that's easier.
It seems cliche, I know...if you build it, they will come...but maybe???
Sorry, I'm sleepy. I might not be making much sense.
I wish I could be there for you. I'm sorry you're having a rough time.
Miss you...
Laurie
Posted by Dinah on June 11, 2008, at 10:29:02
In reply to Restless, posted by Daisym on June 11, 2008, at 0:25:23
Is it necessary to need others to build a community for oneself?
Posted by meme3842 on June 11, 2008, at 11:08:32
In reply to Restless, posted by Daisym on June 11, 2008, at 0:25:23
Hi, Daisy
I totally understand having the empty feeling during the weekends and feeling utterly alone. That's me every weekend. My current therapist also suggested that I need to build a community. I'm not quite there, because I actually do like to spend time alone, but I've looked into volunteering at things I feel strongly about. I haven't quite joined anything, but it's a start to look into them. And if I meet new people in the process, great. If not, that's okay too because at least its a start.
this isn't probably what you are looking for, but I just wanted to tell you, I understand being alone.
meme
Posted by Phillipa on June 11, 2008, at 12:34:35
In reply to Re: Restless, posted by meme3842 on June 11, 2008, at 11:08:32
I've always been a loner too. Like to start conversions with strangers when out and then I can end them and leave when uncomfortable. Phillipa
Posted by antigua3 on June 13, 2008, at 8:37:37
In reply to Re: Restless, posted by meme3842 on June 11, 2008, at 11:08:32
I want to answer Daisy, but need to test first.
Posted by antigua3 on June 13, 2008, at 8:48:13
In reply to Re: Restless, posted by meme3842 on June 11, 2008, at 11:08:32
Hi Daisy, and all--sorry I haven't been around much, but I've been going through a lot--good and bad--and I haven't had time, or the energy, to post.
Daisy, I understand your feeling that it is easier to be needed than to need, or to express our own neediness. It's huge for me. It's always,
"No, I'm fine, I don't need any help, I can handle this alone."It's true, I can handle things alone, but I've learned that there are people out there who love and care for me who want to help. Yes, they really want to help this person who I think doesn't deserve to ask for their help, that I have needs that can be fulfilled by others.
Sickness is a time that I've learned this. I needed help, and while I was scared to ask for help from others outside of my DH, I did it. And the results were really helpful, supportive and made me feel good about myself.
But, when it comes to therapy, other people don't understand, and it's not like I can get my therapy needs met by someone outside of my T and pdoc (oh, do I have stories to tell about him since I've been MIA). I do notice, however, that I reach out to people more, just in general, since I feel better about myself. I actually speak to strangers now! In the coffee shop, helping toursits on the metro, I can't quite believe myself. I've always been the hunched over, don't speak to me at any cost kind of person, but that was because I was afraid. But there's a whole world out there and you never know who you'll meet, so Daisy, maybe it's time to make the move in looking for a new relationship. You seem to be ready; scared, but ready.
You have to take chances. Some will work; some won't, but if you want it, you have to go after it.
all my best,
antigua
Posted by DAisym on June 13, 2008, at 15:18:29
In reply to Re: Restless, posted by antigua3 on June 13, 2008, at 8:48:13
It is really good to see you here - I'm sorry for the bad stuff and hope the good stuff is on the rise.
Being needy remained the topic of the week. We talked a lot about loving feelings and what a double edge sword they are. To love your therapist feels great - those feelings of warmth and sheer thankfulness that fill you up with grateful tears. And I love that I feel protected and special to him. But then those other feelings creep up - wanting more, as in more contact and feeling jealous of all his other clients and his family and his friends...etc. I told him this week that I was irritated that the couch pillows were rearranged - it is my couch, Da&* it! And then I told him that I really don't want him to starve to death, so I did understand why he had to have other clients.
He understands the pain but says that it seems to him that we can't do the work we need to do without being so powerfully connected. That I need to feel safe and protected, in order to tell the stories and feel all these old feelings. But he expresses again the limits of our relationship and his wish that I create a community of support for myself, outside of therapy. Perhaps it takes all this pain to motivate the change? He does a pretty good job of letting me know that my feelings are all OK, and that he doesn't expect me to "out grow" them without giving me any false expectations. It is just that knowing I can feel this way highlights even more how alone I am. I want to feel this way for someone who can feel the same way back.
I ended up in such a bad place during Wed session that I was literally hysterical. In 5 years of therapy, I think I've only done that one other time. In talking about it yesterday, my therapist said these are the core feelings that I've avoided for such a long time and they are very, very painful and shocking. And as much as I know that I need to go through all of this to heal, I'm resisting with my protector part. And that protector part is all about pulling in and hiding, and not allowing any help. Caring about someone and allowing them to care for and help me, sets off the warning bells for this part because I was so badly betrayed before. Loving someone is perilous. This is not new, we've been through all of this before. It is just deeper this time and harder to push away.
Interestingly, I've always been one to strike up conversations with strangers. And in my work life, I am busy and surrounded by people every day. I guess I am ready for a personal life- but yes, it is very scary.
It makes sense to look at therapy needs as different than other needs - I never really thought of it that way before. Needs feel all tangled up sometimes - and way too much for anyone to handle.
I'm really trying to sort all this out, but truthfully I feel pretty small right now and want to just hide under my therapist's desk. I told him I was writing a story about a barnacle and only he would know it was really a memoir.
This is the end of the thread.
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