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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Cal on July 28, 2008, at 12:09:57
Hi,I've not posted before. I've been in therapy for 3yrs and still struggle with the "silences". To me they feel very oppressive and I feel abandoned and angry. I wonder what others feel about "Silences" in therapy?
Posted by raisinb on July 28, 2008, at 12:58:40
In reply to The silences., posted by Cal on July 28, 2008, at 12:09:57
Oh, I can't tell you how many fights my therapist and I have had about that! I hate the silences and I have told her so in no uncertain terms. On this particular issue, though, she wouldn't give in.
Eventually we reached sort of an understanding. She asked me why I thought she remained silent sometimes. I said, "to pressure me to talk. Isn't that why therapists do it?" She looked surprised and said, "not all the time." Then she told me that often she felt her words wouldn't convey how she felt, and that she also remained silent because she was thinking about what I was saying and trying to read me.
I still do not like it. If it goes on for a long time, I start jiggling my foot and withdrawing. But I recognize that her reasons weren't the manipulative ones I thought they were, and so my anger isn't so intense.
Can you talk to your therapist about how this makes you feel?
Posted by Phillipa on July 28, 2008, at 13:02:01
In reply to Re: The silences. » Cal, posted by raisinb on July 28, 2008, at 12:58:40
Cal also welcome to babble raisinb gave you some great advise. I know what you mean since I'm talkative I do not like silences makes me anxious. Phillipa and great to have you here.
Posted by Cal on July 28, 2008, at 13:05:44
In reply to The silences., posted by Cal on July 28, 2008, at 12:09:57
HI, Thanks for the replys. As I read them the simple thought hit me, "why don't you talk to T about the silences?". Dur LOL, I dont know why that didnt hit me before, perhaps I needed to test the water somewhere where I'm not known first? Anyways thanks! I am going to brave the topic as its playing on my mind now, it feels as if I've failed in some way because the last silence I got very irritated.
Posted by Phillipa on July 28, 2008, at 13:09:43
In reply to Re: The silences., posted by Cal on July 28, 2008, at 13:05:44
When's your next appointment be sure to let us know how it goes. Good luck Phillipa
Posted by Cal on July 28, 2008, at 13:17:27
In reply to Re: The silences. » Cal, posted by Phillipa on July 28, 2008, at 13:09:43
> When's your next appointment be sure to let us know how it goes. Good luck Phillipa
Its friday, and yes I will let you know, thanks!
Posted by Poet on July 28, 2008, at 13:32:20
In reply to The silences., posted by Cal on July 28, 2008, at 12:09:57
Hi Cal,
Welcome to babble.
I don't like the silences either. My T usually caves especially when I cross my arms and legs and glare at her. She'll break the silence by asking how my cats are: something nontherapy related. Good luck on Friday.
Poet
Posted by Looney Tunes on July 28, 2008, at 15:09:32
In reply to The silences., posted by Cal on July 28, 2008, at 12:09:57
Hmm...
I can sit in silence forever. I don't care. I know it is a waste of my money, but part of me is like "F*ck you T, I don't want to let you in."
What a total waste. I can waste an entire session. Sometimes I get nervous, but mostly I am thinking negative things and don't care.
What a total waste of my money and time. But it serves some purpose right now. (I just started with T)
Posted by FindingMyDesire on July 28, 2008, at 15:50:08
In reply to The silences., posted by Cal on July 28, 2008, at 12:09:57
Welcome Cal! I'm pretty darn new too.
Poet - your comment about the cats made me laugh out loud!
Raisin - I'm a foot jiggler too. I hate that I do that! I try to stop but the energy has to go somewhere in the silences.
I can't stand the silence at all, but sometimes I just go blank. I wish that my T would ask probing questions and push me when I get like that. Sometimes she will, but mostly I think she knows it's better if I get there on my own.
Posted by fleeting flutterby on July 28, 2008, at 16:09:23
In reply to The silences., posted by Cal on July 28, 2008, at 12:09:57
> Hi,I've not posted before. I've been in therapy for 3yrs and still struggle with the "silences". To me they feel very oppressive and I feel abandoned and angry. I wonder what others feel about "Silences" in therapy?<<
hmmmmmm... seems I'm in the minority on this..... being from a huge family and then after older siblings grew and left home-- mother had daycare with 15+ kids in our house...... needless to say I LOVE the silence(think all my growing years I was in sensory overload!)..... silence is relaxing and helps me to focus better.... also it feels strange, in a nice way, that " I " am the focus. what a nice feeling..... I bask in the silence....
flutterby- mandy
Posted by Dinah on July 28, 2008, at 16:52:02
In reply to The silences., posted by Cal on July 28, 2008, at 12:09:57
There are different sorts of silences. Sometimes he's being respectful of the fact that I'm busy internally. Sometimes he's letting something settle, because it's amazing how something I say sounds when I actually say it out loud.
Sometimes it's a silence with a smile on his part, or mine. Those are the best sorts. A sort of mutual understanding.
But sometimes it starts to feel like a battle. I mentally cross my arms and refuse to speak first. If I do end up speaking first, I feel like I've lost. It was only relatively recently that I started putting those feelings into words. So if I'm feeling like a particular silence is a struggle, I'll say so in words instead of with posture.
Amazingly he never feels the battle on his end. He isn't insisting I speak first. He's willing to speak first if I want. I've got a few hand signals I use now. Mostly the palms upward gesture of appeal. Mind you, I usually get annoyed by the trivial and repetitive subjects he brings up to break the silence. Which motivates me to do it myself.
Posted by Sigismund on July 28, 2008, at 21:21:53
In reply to The silences., posted by Cal on July 28, 2008, at 12:09:57
I once had a silence that lasted a couple of sessions, a couple of hours.....vengeful, bitter, expensive.
What was it about? Did I ever know?There are other sorts of silence, thank heavens.
Posted by Cal on July 29, 2008, at 5:41:59
In reply to Re: The silences., posted by Sigismund on July 28, 2008, at 21:21:53
I think there have been a couple of occassions where when T spoke I felt like she had broken the silence and felt annoyed. As I say thats only happened a couple of times, most times its me that has had to drag myself back into the "here and now" and speak. Why this last silence has bothered me so? I'm unsure. I was asking myself what would I have prefered? That T had talked above everything that was going on in the room? No I didnt want that either. I guess I feel I want to say to T, what is happening in the silences? But I'm afraid too. I'm afraid to talk about anything that implies that I know T is there and part of the relationship. I'm afraid because then I feel she will change. Its like I need to watch her in secret and in the silences its as If I am watching her secretly. But now thats not enought, I need to start to TELL her that I see her there, and that means coming down from the Fantasy mother thoughts I have and taking the risk that if I start to connect with her in the room she won't let me down. Perhaps the silences have been about me wondering of into that "perfect" realm and this time, I couldn't wonder off, I was to aware of the REAL T sittng there also?
Posted by Sigismund on July 30, 2008, at 3:12:34
In reply to Re: The silences., posted by Cal on July 29, 2008, at 5:41:59
>I'm afraid to talk about anything that implies that I know T is there and part of the relationship. I'm afraid because then I feel she will change. Its like I need to watch her in secret and in the silences its as If I am watching her secretly.
Very interesting.
Do you feel like that would be an appropriate thing to talk about? Bit confronting?
The reason I noticed that was because of themes of self-and-others and seperateness.
Posted by Cal on July 30, 2008, at 8:26:27
In reply to Re: The silences. » Cal, posted by Sigismund on July 30, 2008, at 3:12:34
I think anything is an appropriate thing to talk about.
Posted by Amanda29 on August 4, 2008, at 15:58:24
In reply to Re: The silences., posted by Phillipa on July 28, 2008, at 13:02:01
My therapist will occasionally be silent and I like to "challenge him" so we will sit there and be silent for as long as we can ..(Which is like 30 seconds...but 30 long seconds) :) then I will be like "What?" and he will say "I dont know you tell me" (that really makes me mad) so then, I start just talking about whatever is on my mind...I think he remains silent to see how I am truely feeling. He can read my face and sometimes if I am not saying something he can read my face..and then he will ask his questions to me.
Posted by Cal on August 5, 2008, at 5:52:38
In reply to Re: The silences., posted by Amanda29 on August 4, 2008, at 15:58:24
Told T that I dont get the silences. She says that I seem to expect something to be happening all of the time and that just sharing the same space is ok. I kept nodding NO!...its not ok!..seh asked if I felt as if she were withdrawing from me in the silence? I said it just feels like I want you to reach out to me and you dont. Then T finally got it and said "so I'm saying the silence is ok, but for you its like all the times you were left alone as a baby and your mother never reached out to you" and I nodded a big YES!...she got it! she understands, then the session ended.
Posted by antigua3 on August 5, 2008, at 17:55:00
In reply to Re: The silences., posted by Cal on August 5, 2008, at 5:52:38
Posted by sassyfrancesca on August 8, 2008, at 12:34:25
In reply to Re: The silences. » Cal, posted by Sigismund on July 30, 2008, at 3:12:34
There are NO silences with my t and I.....only occasionally when HE aggravates me, and I am thinkin g of what I want to say.
This is the end of the thread.
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