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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by backseatdriver on August 1, 2008, at 12:26:33
Oh dear.
My T is gone for four weeks.
Ever since our last session on Monday, I've had hives all up and down my arms, terrible GI distress, no appetite, and insomnia. Emotionally, I'm sad but without agitation, for once.
In our last session, T opened with "Breaks are hard." I agreed. He said, "Does this remind you of anything?" "No," I said. He said, "It doesn't remind you of how your mother left when you were one?"
He was right, of course, in the sense that I have abandonment fears because my mother had a breakdown and was hospitalized when I was one. But I wasn't at that point, emotionally or cognitively, in the session when he mentioned it. It came as quite a shock, actually, to hear him say that.
Since then, I've had the symptoms I mentioned, plus I've been preoccupied, imagining what it must have been like. (I don't remember her leaving, I was too young.)
But what really bugs me is this: When he mentioned my mother's abandonment, I felt like he was passing the buck, asking me to focus on my mother rather than on what he was doing to our relationship by going on vacation for so long, after we have become so close.
Your thoughts? Is he evading responsibility for the hurtfulness of the break with his (premature in my view) interpretation, or is that me? Could my new symptoms be a grief reaction? Have you ever had anything like this in response to T vacations/absences?
-bsd
Posted by Phillipa on August 1, 2008, at 12:31:57
In reply to four weeks off - abandonment *trigger*, posted by backseatdriver on August 1, 2008, at 12:26:33
I honestly don't know as my therapist when seeing her said forget the past and think of the future. So many different types of therapy Phillipa.
Posted by Dinah on August 1, 2008, at 13:39:47
In reply to four weeks off - abandonment *trigger*, posted by backseatdriver on August 1, 2008, at 12:26:33
Well, I certainly don't discount childhood experiences. My parents separated when I was 2 1/2 and brought me to live with my grandparents. My mother left me alone with them for a month while she took care of the practicalities. Then two years later they got back together and ripped me away from my grandmother, who had become my main caretaker while my mother worked. I don't remember much of any of this. Most of my memories start as if I newly hatched literally when we entered the outskirts of New Orleans when I was 4 1/2. Before there are just fragments. After, there are real fairly normal memories.
I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that these early experiences of abandonment (or what would have seemed like abandonment), coupled with my physiology and temperament, led me to be very very sensitive to abandonment issues.
That being said, I'd bite my therapist's head off if he suggested that that was the reason I was upset when he left for a long period of time. He knows he's important to me, that I consider him an important leg on my support stool, and you can't just yank out a leg on a support stool without having some distress. A lot of distress.
Fortunately my therapist knows this. And takes full responsibility. He doesn't discourage me from using him as a support and resource. It would really be awful if he didn't acknowledge that his absence would hurt me.
He might mention the historical parallels later, much later, when the iron was cool and he was back from wherever.
So yes, I do think he's not acknowledging the impact of the here and now relationship.
Posted by Dinah on August 1, 2008, at 14:07:40
In reply to Re: four weeks off - abandonment *trigger* » backseatdriver, posted by Dinah on August 1, 2008, at 13:39:47
Actually, I have to be fair to your therapist.
My therapist didn't always realize it.
At first he had this nasty habit of talking about regular therapy being important to my functioning. But then when he had to leave, he'd say that his absence would give me a chance to try my wings. That it was a positive experience for me.
I trained him out of that. Well, I suppose it would be more therapeutic to say that I was able to explain the conflict in his statements in such a way that he was able to understand that his attempts to be positive were actually discounting the harm his absences caused. But I suppose the fact that he could look forward to a good rant if he did it helped him in that understanding. :)
Maybe your therapist is trainable too. Or rather, perhaps you'll be able to explain the importance of the here and now relationship in such a way that he will understand. Might I suggest the books of Irving Yalom?
Posted by backseatdriver on August 1, 2008, at 14:12:21
In reply to Re: four weeks off - abandonment *trigger*, posted by Dinah on August 1, 2008, at 14:07:40
I love Irving Yalom! But I've only read _Lying on the Couch_ (deliciously funny) and _Every Day Gets A Little Closer_.
Is there one you'd recommend, Dinah?
thanks!
-bsd
Posted by Dinah on August 1, 2008, at 14:23:24
In reply to Re: four weeks off - abandonment *trigger* » Dinah, posted by backseatdriver on August 1, 2008, at 14:12:21
I like almost everything he wrote. I wasn't as fond of "The Schopenhauer Cure: A Novel". A therapist died and life goes on, so I maybe wouldn't expect to like it.
Right now I'm rereading "Momma and the Meaning of Life". I'm actually noticing a few remarks that he's making that I would smart at if I were his client. He wonders if he's ever going to be rid of one client. Thank heavens I know my therapist doesn't feel that way about me. Anymore. Otherwise I'm enjoying it, and it's reminding me of the whole "here and now" concept.
Posted by onceupon on August 1, 2008, at 14:34:58
In reply to four weeks off - abandonment *trigger*, posted by backseatdriver on August 1, 2008, at 12:26:33
Hi backseatdriver,
I'm new here, but I'll just jump in if you don't mind. It does sound like your therapist is discounting your *very real* response to his absence. Not knowing your therapist, I'd be inclined to say that he's either dodging the discussion (hopefully not), or not very well-versed in talking about the relationship. Either way, it sounds painful for you.
I noticed mention of Yalom's books above, and if you don't mind the idea of reading a book that's geared mostly towards practitioners, I would recommend "The Gift of Therapy" - I liked the insight into how (some) therapists might approach the work.
onceupon
Posted by sassyfrancesca on August 1, 2008, at 15:05:36
In reply to four weeks off - abandonment *trigger*, posted by backseatdriver on August 1, 2008, at 12:26:33
Hmmmm...I am so sorry you are hurting. My guess is that he simply was trying to find out if you were relating to the first and most painful abandonment in your life.
Sounds like he was trying to be kind?
Hugs, Sassy
All my t has ever said when going on vacation is did I feel abandoned? Not really; I didn't like it AND I missed him....but I think abandoned was too strong a word.
I never knew my father (met him when I was 30); did you ever see your mother again?
Can you call or e-mail him?
Posted by raisinb on August 1, 2008, at 15:40:48
In reply to four weeks off - abandonment *trigger*, posted by backseatdriver on August 1, 2008, at 12:26:33
Hi BSD,
I frequently have the same reaction when my therapist upsets me, then tries to make childhood connections. I think there are a couple reasons for that. First, it *does* seem as if she's trying to evade responsibility for her actions and the impact they have on me--it feels like she's trying to make it my issue--when she's the one who is hurting me in the first place. It feels massively unfair. I can understand how your therapist's reaction might feel that way.Second, I have trouble *feeling* anything when I talk about my childhood. Intellectually, everything falls into place when I think about how my issues arose from my upbringing. But if I'm pushed to talk about it, I get bored. I stopped feeling anything about my family a long time ago. I think I must've given up on them at age eight or so, and it's nearly impossible for me to care that much when we talk about my mom or dad. On the other hand, when we talk about my *therapist*, I CARE. I don't have any problem with the psychodynamic focus on childhood, but it just doesn't seem to get me--in particular--anywhere emotionally. Maybe that's the case with you, too?
As for vacations, I agree with the others that therapists need to acknowledge their impact. Four weeks is a really, really long time. I think he might have handled it better.
This is the end of the thread.
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