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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by seldomseen on September 10, 2008, at 20:49:04
I don't know if I am relieved or mortified. Perhaps a little of both.
For the past month I have been trying to communicate with my therapist that something is terrible wrong with me.
I wasn't saying it, he wasn't getting it and we were just at an impasse.
I literally thought I was going crazy and he was just standing there watching me go.
The grinding, the insomnia, the agitation, the crying. How could my body feel like a lead weight, but constantly have to move.
Today, I sat down and made myself tell him exactly what I was experiencing. Not in terms of the situation around me, but exactly what I was feeling. He finally heard me. We finally connected.
I'm in mixed state bipolar. It's nice to know what it is called, it sucks to be here.
My mom has bipolar and my life with her was not a pretty one. I don't know how I'm going to handle this diagnosis myself. I've seen her decline. Is that in store for me? Am I her?
If you could only see the swath of destruction she leaves behind. Can I change that for myself?
A landmark day. Both good and bad.
Seldom
Posted by Dinah on September 10, 2008, at 21:00:25
In reply to It's Mixed state bipolar, posted by seldomseen on September 10, 2008, at 20:49:04
You can change that for yourself.
You aren't your mother. You have more self awareness than she's ever shown. You understand the destruction, what's at stake. Your life doesn't have to be like hers.
Will you be getting some meds to help you feel better right now? Mixed state is darn unpleasant.
Posted by lucie lu on September 10, 2008, at 22:44:28
In reply to It's Mixed state bipolar, posted by seldomseen on September 10, 2008, at 20:49:04
Hi Seldom,I'm sorry - it s*cks to feel so terrible. I had what they called "agitated depression" - similar symptoms. I think I read somewhere that these mixed states are on some continuum to full-blown bipolar. I used to go to my sessions and literally pace throughout - my poor T! He was good though at relaxing me enough to at least sit down and talk even if I would cry. But of course it would start up again as soon as I'd get home. Then he'd suffer through lengthy tearful phone calls from me. Ugh.
The point is, Seldom, that even though it's a sh*tty thing to have, a good med can work wonders. I got so dysphoric and agitated, my T called the pdoc, who put me on a mood stabilizer and it worked like a charm. I have the occasional mood swing and like many people, I do get depressed sometimes but that awful, crazy dysphoria is pretty much absent. It's been almost 3 years now and I've had more stability than ever before in my life. Guess I'd had it for a while without knowing what it was.
And I fully agree with Dinah, you are not your mother and you have a great deal going for you. You know, with any genetic disorder a whole family can share it and each person express it differently.
At least now you know why you feel so rotten, plus you have broken through the impasse with your T. That must be a relief. Also must feel like some validation because you knew there was something not right and you held your ground until they found out what it was. Good for you.
Hopefully you will find it manageable. Please feel free to Babblemail me anytime if you want to talk about it.
All the best,
Lucie
Posted by seldomseen on September 11, 2008, at 6:05:39
In reply to Re: It's Mixed state bipolar » seldomseen, posted by Dinah on September 10, 2008, at 21:00:25
Right now klonopin is my best friend.
My T, who is also a psychiatrist, didn't even suggest the typical bipolar meds. He was very smart not to actually. I might have just lost it.
I really have to try this on, sit with it for a while and find a way to separate my illness from my mother. Which I'm having a hard time doing.
The ironic thing (and I'm completely aware of it) is that the meds might help me to do just that.
Seldom
Posted by seldomseen on September 11, 2008, at 6:26:51
In reply to Re: It's Mixed state bipolar, posted by lucie lu on September 10, 2008, at 22:44:28
Yeah, I'm a total mess I guess. But at least I feel like I'm not the "not otherwised specified crazy". There is a name for it, it's been described before.
Do your legs hurt? Mine have been hurting for the past month.
Several months ago over on social I posted a lexicon of words that describe emotions that aren't covered by normal words.
Right now I'm depressiagitired. My T described it as leaden hyperkinesis.
I'll go on the meds in due course and start treatment for this.
One thing I know for sure, is that unlike my mom, I will not let this diagnosis excuse all kinds of bad behaviour. I may feel like crap, but I'm still me and know better.
That may be the key that separates us.
Seldom
Posted by Dinah on September 11, 2008, at 8:06:13
In reply to Re: It's Mixed state bipolar » Dinah, posted by seldomseen on September 11, 2008, at 6:05:39
That *will* be the key that separates you. Self awareness.
I always ask my husband to please have me locked up if I ever start acting like my mother. He always tells me that he will, but that the fact that I worry I'll end up like her will keep me from ending up like her. She has absolutely no awareness of the consequences of her actions, either to herself or to others.
FWIW, using those meds doesn't mean accepting the diagnosis. I've been on mood stabilizers forever. First to offset the side effects from AD's, then as migraine prophylaxis. I am well aware that they also keep my mood more stable. It's not an either or proposition. There are lots of places along that spectrum. The medications just treat the symptoms. Klonopin is good, and I'm glad it's working for you. I have always appreciated it. I also love my teeny smidge of as needed Risperdal. It gives a calm that reaches my bones. Not for nothing is it called a major tranquilizer.
I'm not pushing meds by any means. But if you can manage to view them without judgment, they can be awfully useful for the biological stuff. I never think of it as treating any particular disease, because I don't fit so neatly into any particular diagnosis. I have gotten those agitated depressions, but as a result from medications, for example. I consider them mainly a symptom management tool.
Posted by lemonaide on September 11, 2008, at 10:13:07
In reply to It's Mixed state bipolar, posted by seldomseen on September 10, 2008, at 20:49:04
Hi Ob,
Are you bipolar ? Because the symptoms you are stating look like depression to me at least from what i have learned. Now I know depression is part of bipolar, but that is why I was wondering if you were ever diagnosed as bipolar, because this just sounds like depression symptoms, I never heard of mixed state bipolar.
Posted by Racer on September 11, 2008, at 10:57:56
In reply to Re: It's Mixed state bipolar » seldomseen, posted by Dinah on September 11, 2008, at 8:06:13
>
> I always ask my husband to please have me locked up if I ever start acting like my mother. He always tells me that he will, but that the fact that I worry I'll end up like her will keep me from ending up like her.First off, Dinah -- your husband is nicer than mine: I say, "angels and ministers of grace defend me -- I'm turning into my mother," and he replies, "can you at least try to turn into the good parts?" I'm not sure whether or not burying acorns for the winter one of the "good parts."
Oscar Wilde said something about all women turning into their mothers, and that is their tragedy; no man does, and that is his. I stop and think on that for a while every so often. My answer is the same as everyone else's so far: self-awareness. Great prophylaxis.
>
> FWIW, using those meds doesn't mean accepting the diagnosis.
>
> I'm not pushing meds by any means. But if you can manage to view them without judgment, they can be awfully useful for the biological stuff. I never think of it as treating any particular disease, because I don't fit so neatly into any particular diagnosis.I have a few actual, not-joking-around obsessions, and one is the "OMG! I'm bipolar!" I get into that, and often end up having a session with my therapist about it -- "OMG! I'm bipolar!" "Um, no you're not." And then with my psychopharmacologist, where I say, "OMG! Am I bipolar?" And he says, "It was on my R/O list, and we R'd/O it already." And I leave, and then start worrying again immediately. No amount of reason makes any difference whatsoever. And it's entirely unreasoning -- would I be a different person if I were bipolar? Or would it just be another piece to integrate into my self-image?
(Well, OK, there is an actually real worry: medications, which have been a nightmare for depression. Otherwise, it's unreasoning.)
I mention this because -- while it's totally ineffective at stopping the obsession -- I remind myself that the diagnosis is a convenient label. It's like hair color -- if I say I have red hair, what does that mean? Carrot top? Auburn? Copper? So psychiatric diagnosis is also a convenient label.
And all three of us have the same diagnosis, anyway -- Irregular Polygon Syndrome. (In my case, "with feral features.") That's because we're not square pegs, trying to fit into a round hole, nor round pegs, trying to fill up a square hole. We are pegs of an irregular polygonal shape, and we need a hole created specifically for us. This diagnosis, when it is finally added to the DSM, will be the most common dx in the world within weeks.
And Seldom -- I'm sorry you're feeling so rotten, and understand as well as anyone can understand another person's pain. When I was diagnosed with anxiety, I freaked out so badly I couldn't sleep for three days. (Which made me so wired I started my regular "OMG! I'm bipolar!" reaction...) Reason means little in that condition. You still are and ever will be the well-liked SeldomSeen, admired and respected by Racer. I hope that helps a little.
Posted by lemonaide on September 11, 2008, at 12:00:03
In reply to Re: It's Mixed state bipolar, posted by lemonaide on September 11, 2008, at 10:13:07
opps I meant my post to go to seldom, not ob. sorry about that.
Posted by Phillipa on September 11, 2008, at 12:36:41
In reply to Re: It's Mixed state bipolar »SeldomSeen » Dinah, posted by Racer on September 11, 2008, at 10:57:56
Racer you may not want to hear this but I do think we're twins you react the same way I do and I'm not bipolar but was worrying about it as reading this thread. Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on September 11, 2008, at 12:49:13
In reply to Re: It's Mixed state bipolar »SeldomSeen » Dinah, posted by Racer on September 11, 2008, at 10:57:56
> You still are and ever will be the well-liked SeldomSeen, admired and respected by Racer. I hope that helps a little.
Exactly! No matter what diagnosis we're given, we're who we were the day before and the day before that. Our personalities won't change an iota. And we won't turn into our mothers.
Which is not to say I didn't embark on a quest for diagnosis, because I did.
(And SeldomSeen, you can add "admired and respected by Dinah" to the above sentence.)
Posted by seldomseen on September 11, 2008, at 16:57:56
In reply to Re: It's Mixed state bipolar, posted by lemonaide on September 11, 2008, at 10:13:07
I know depression like the back of my hand. This is definately not depression, this is 1000 fold worse.
Posted by seldomseen on September 11, 2008, at 17:16:21
In reply to Re: It's Mixed state bipolar, posted by Dinah on September 11, 2008, at 12:49:13
OMG! I'm bipolar!! - That's pretty much how I've been walking around all day. OMG! I'm BIPOLAR!
You guys are right, of course, it makes absolutely no difference whatsoever what they call me. I'm still me - although right now I'm a little jumbled.
I've been calmer today, haven't cried at completely inappropriate times and the klonopin had reduced the constant grinding, pushing and irritability. I'm still sensitive to sounds though and I'm glad the lab was quiet today.
I spoke with my T today and we made plans to speak again tomorrow. Regardless of what he had to say about it, it was so nice to simply be heard and he re-iterated that he was hearing me loud and clear. I'm not crazy and I'm not going crazy. OMG! I'm BIPOLAR! :)
We'll discuss treatment options at our next session I'm sure and develop strategies to help me from getting here again. He's on board now and I trust that he can fix, or at least improve, anything.
He'll also understand my reticence and grief about sharing a diagnosis with my mother. Maybe we can call it something else just for the time being.
I will add however, there is a significant upside to the way I feel. I feel more creative than I have ever felt in my life. This past month I've been noting connections between things at work that no one had ever seen before. Of course I'm too lethargic to ACT on those connections, but that would just be having my cake and eating it too.
Thanks for your kind kind words.
Seldom
Posted by lucie lu on September 12, 2008, at 12:17:39
In reply to Re: It's Mixed state bipolar )) racer » Dinah, posted by seldomseen on September 11, 2008, at 17:16:21
> I will add however, there is a significant upside to the way I feel. I feel more creative than I have ever felt in my life. This past month I've been noting connections between things at work that no one had ever seen before. Of course I'm too lethargic to ACT on those connections, but that would just be having my cake and eating it too.
Seldom, I'm so glad you brought that up. There IS an upside to BP. Since there's a strong genetic component, there are also some innate personality traits that are often found in people with BP. One of the most striking is creativity and intuitive thinking (those imaginative, non-linear leaps and making new connections) but there are others, e.g. ability to feel and experience life more deeply, etc. The big trick is to manage the symptoms. If you write down your creative insights even when you're too bushed to act on them - well, they will be there when your energy comes back! You can have your cake and eat it too.Mixed BP isn't easy to deal with when you're acutely symptomatic (which as you know can be VERY distressing) but I think that when the symptoms are under control, you may be able to identify some positive characterstics in yourself that you might have in connection with BP. With such constellations of traits, many BP artists, writers, etc have done very well by capitalizing on those strengths. There are BP people (there was one actor who they had a TV special on about his BP a couple of years ago) who don't even want treatment because they like the intensity and variability in their lives and are willing to accept the downside. Albeit this is usually from high-functioning people, not those who are miserable or whose lives are badly damaged from having it. I personally would not want to do that - what inner stability I do have these days, I'd like to hold on tight to :)
Have you read up much on mixed BP on the internet, e.g. starting with Wikipedia? There is actually a lot of useful information out there if you are selective.
So... about the genetics. Yes you very likely inherited some BP gene(s) from your mom but: (1) you do not need to manifest BP in the same way, nor does yours need to follow the same course as hers; (2) you are not identical twins, you have different personalities of which BP is onely one component, so you can live out very different lives with it; (3) you may have also inherited some traits that are both interesting and useful, as you are finding out and (4) as we keep saying, you are NOT your diagnosis :)
Take care and keep us posted when you feel like it. -Lucie
Posted by seldomseen on September 18, 2008, at 17:21:21
In reply to Re: It's Mixed state bipolar » seldomseen, posted by lucie lu on September 12, 2008, at 12:17:39
No, mixed state bipolar has not been the easiest thing to deal with, but the brain is always working, working.
I think just by sheer volume the number of ideas that I come up with some of them are going to be good.
To toot my own horn, I've always been a very creative person - almost driven to do stuff, whether it be photography, writing, music or what have you. As my therapist is quick to point out, I am a convincing actress as well.
I'm a scientist, and believe it or not that is a very creative job. If you sat around all day NOT think about new stuff, well you would be out of a job that's for sure.
I think it is quite likely that I inherited bipolar characteristics from my mother. Yet, I never really saw anything positive from her, but the memory is funny that way. She can barely even match her clothes. Maybe she just never made the effort.
It seems as though she was either acutely suicidal, or very very very irritable, irrational and paranoid.
Of course, I had some breaks she did not. Genes from a whole different family that may mitigate what is happening with me. I think I'm just innately smarter than she is and I've had more life experiences and exposures. I have a real knack for spotting "normal" and emulating that, which she does not.
One funny thing my therapist said was that "I was definately more bipolar than most". Indicating that he too sees some mitigation in what is going on with me.
seldom.
This is the end of the thread.
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