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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 12:00:07
hey out there. this is a great site. i got so much great advice and support from my first post, i had something else i wanted to throw out there.
i have never told my t (verbally, anyway) that i consider her like a mother-figure and that i believe ive got the whole transference thing going on with her. Im sure she already knows it anyway. you can't get anything past her. and she knows ive had transference issues quite a lot in the past and that is one of the main things troubling me is i have not grown out of needing someone to mother me and that upsets me because i thought i would. (Oh, and of course the fact that i often spontaneously regress to a 4 year old child in her presence surely has not already tipped her off!) LOL!! (o:
anyway, i want to tell my t about the transference, then ask her if she is even 'down' with transference and Transference Focused Therapy because i am fairly certain she's a CBT (cognitive behavioral therapist) but only because a couple books she recommended were authored by CBT's. after doing some research, kind of sounds like transference is more of a Freudian psychoanalytical theory and im not sure all t's even believe in it. i suspect mine does because my needing reparenting did come up early in my therapy with her, and it did sound like that could possibly involve my coming to relate to her on an emotional level in that role in order for healing to take place, but i never really understood what it meant, and it hasn't come up again. i worry "did she change her mind?" did she decide she did not want to "go there" cuz face it, lots of t's don't or aren't willing to get their hands that dirty so to speak to help a patient. does she think im too needy? i do trust she'd tell me if she didn't want to work with me anymore. i'm afraid to ask her if she is willing to treat me for my transference issues (a life long problem!) or if she thinks i should see another t that i don't currently have transference feelings for. like i could never imagine coming to think of a male t as a maternal figure. i know it happens a lot and i think that is so cool, but in my mind i think id be completely safe with a male t as far as not developing a maternal transference relationship with him, as is my pattern to do with women. but i think the way TFT works is through the relationship btwn the t and the patient while the patient is in the midst of the transferred feelings, know what I mean?
SORRY THIS GOT SO LONG! I appreciate your insight.
Sharon
Posted by sassyfrancesca on January 26, 2009, at 12:15:37
In reply to Afraid my therapist might reject me if....., posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 12:00:07
Hi, Sharon: I dislike the words, transference/countertransference because unless we are using the Freudian meaning (someone reminds us of another person, and so we relate to the t in the same way)......we experience transference/countertransference in ALL relationships..simply feelings.
Sounds like it would to okay to tell your t; I am sure she will understand.
(As an aside, I told my t I was in love with him 4 years ago; could write a book about THAT!)
I read (and loved it) that the therapy room is the only place we call love....by another name.
Hugs, Sassy
Posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 12:50:33
In reply to Re: Afraid my therapist might reject me if..... » sharon7, posted by sassyfrancesca on January 26, 2009, at 12:15:37
> Hi, Sharon: I dislike the words, transference/countertransference because unless we are using the Freudian meaning (someone reminds us of another person, and so we relate to the t in the same way)......we experience transference/countertransference in ALL relationships..simply feelings....the therapy room is the only place we call love....by another name.
Thanks, Sassy. hmm? hadn't thought about it that way. so you dont even think i should call it 'transference' when/if i discuss it w/my t? like you said, it is normal to have feelings for people and sometimes we don't know why we feel it, we just do. and there's no guarantee the person is going to reciprocate. hey, that's life. there's definitely a neurotic component, though, in my case because all my life, off and on, i find myself in these intense (on my end!) relationships with certain females that usually tend to fit a certain profile, but even that's not set in stone. its like i never know when its going to happen, have at times been quite surprised it happened with a certain individual, and have PRAYED it never happens again! also seems to happen when least expected, but then, whoever would be expecting to have those kind of feelings for someone (when you're grown.) I must be getting something out of it, though, or i wouldn't keep allowing it to happen (although I don't THINK i try to make it happen.) maybe i do but dont realize it. its all so very confusing. i evidently have this unmet need from childhood and am seeking (quite unsuccessfully) to get met. i want to quit trying. i never thought id still be having this 'problem' in my mid-40's. I would like to resolve this finally if that's possible. i do consider what im feeling for my t to be different from just 'normal' love though because im not a child and shes not my mother (unfortunately.) i worry she wont want to see me again. thanks again for taking time to reply. i really appreciate it. have a good day. (o:
Posted by sassyfrancesca on January 26, 2009, at 13:02:59
In reply to Re: Afraid my therapist might reject me if..... » sassyfrancesca, posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 12:50:33
Hey, sweetie: I doubt she won't see you again; even if I hadn't told my t of my love for him, he already knew it; I felt the need to share it; it was like the "elephant in the living room" and I had to talk about it.
If your t is good and compassionate she will WELCOME your feelings; feelings aren't right or wrong, they just ARE, and should be honored.
Incidentally, I am 62 (feel 18; people think I am 40, LOL); we never outgrow the need to be loved, appreciated honored and hopefully....celebrated.
hugs, Sassy
Posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 13:30:09
In reply to Re: Afraid my therapist might reject me if..... » sharon7, posted by sassyfrancesca on January 26, 2009, at 13:02:59
Thanks again, sassy. what you said makes me wonder if getting the victory over this 'needing someone to mother me thing' (as if wanting to be loved were some dragon that needs slaying!) is to come to the place where i don't think it makes me defective to want that, because i think thats what i believe about myself deep down, like there's something inherently wrong with me. i just hope ill be able to find some way to discuss it with her, or i could do my best to ignore it and see what else i can get help with in therapy, but i think this problem is at the root of everything else, like addictions.
Posted by sassyfrancesca on January 26, 2009, at 13:57:41
In reply to Re: Afraid my therapist might reject me if..... » sassyfrancesca, posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 13:30:09
Hey, sweetie: i understand. I was never nurtured or mothered by my mother; she was extremely abusive (physical and mental); I joined the army right out of high school and have been going ever since, LOL, LOL
Unfortunately I "married" my mother and tried to fix the past---for 31 years; divorced for 3 years; the only fear I ever had was being alone, and I did it. Now, my t is my "surrogate boyfriend" as he calls himself.
Ive written my memoir: Ghost Child to Triumph (from a child with no voice, to someone who speaks up against injustice), have a poetry website (www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com), went back to school at age 61 and won a women's scholarship; it was easy; all I had to do was write about my (sordid, LOL) life, and I am the moderator of an abused survivors' group.
Okay, done bragging, but it just goes to show what you can do when you are determined. I went t my t for probably something different than anyone else has ever gone to a t (he is also a pastor), and expert in spiritual abuse; my church voted me out (my t journeyed with me for the 18 months in which I fought the system) of membership, with my name up on a big screen, followed by the words: "Conduct Unbecoming A Child of God."
That was over 4 years ago; I am still with him; don't know how much longer; I pay out of pocket and cannot afford it.
Wow, I really have gone on, eh? I think we all need to be "mothered," nurtued...and all of the things we never got as children. It is only natural.
My friends have become my family.
Hugs n Love, dear new friend!! I think your t will be honored to hear how you feel about her.
Sassy
Posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 14:29:48
In reply to Re: Afraid my therapist might reject me if..... » sharon7, posted by sassyfrancesca on January 26, 2009, at 13:57:41
Oh yeah! Good for you for going back to school. that is really encouraging to me because i just assumed my dreams of ever getting even my associates degree are never going to happen, especially since i moved to TN because school even at the JC level is SOOOO expensive here! i just can't afford it right now. and i don't want to go (more) into debt either. i never thought there might be any scholarships out there for women our age (well, im 44, but you know what I mean.. not too far off.) i really admire you for the things you've been able to accomplish and coming from what im assuming was a very difficult place in your life. that's where im at now. not really having a plan for the future. i want it to be good i never planned for my life post-divorce (stayed married to my 'son' for 10 years. we've been divorced for 8. i grieved the entire 8 years and only recently decided i was ready (and able) to let that part of my life go (thanks to help from my t who i love.) only problem is, im spiraling now and am doing a lot of self-medicatating that it's making my life very hard right now. i didn't plan for 44 on. Well, there I go now! Thanks for listening. Sharon
Posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 14:37:37
In reply to Re: Afraid my therapist might reject me if..... » sassyfrancesca, posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 14:29:48
darn. i just realize you didn't get the msg i thought i had sent b4 the last one. i deleted it by mistake and realize i had never confirmed it. i had asked if your memoir was for public consumption because it sounds like it'd be very interesting. and i said that i was sorry to hear about your getting divorced after 31 years. that must have been so hard on you. does your memoir go into that time of your life? i can't imagine how difficult after so long. i really fell apart after my divorce. im only now coming out of it, but im still having a lot of trouble with substance abuse. i never thought id be talking about this stuff with somebody! stranger or family! thanks for listening. im a good listener, too. Sharon
Posted by sassyfrancesca on January 26, 2009, at 14:47:42
In reply to Re: Afraid my therapist might reject me if..... » sharon7, posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 14:37:37
Hi, ((Sharon)): You are very sweet. I work at a University, and they pay my school, but my scholarship....I use for books ($1,000.)))I am not taking classes right now; feeling a little overwhelmed.
I am going to self-publish my memoir; and am doing some research to decide on who I want to use.
My endorsements just take my breath away: Elie Wiesel (survivor of Auschwitz), Patricia Evans (my heroine; author of the book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship), Clint van Zandt, Nikki Giovanni (famous poet/activist, Grammy-award winner), Alice Miller, Dr. Larry Dossey, etc., etc....I have 13 in all.
What do you want to go to school to study?
You can do it!
hugs n Love, Sassy
If you wish; e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com (just put "Sharon" in the heading, so I won't delete it (LOL)
Posted by Dinah on January 26, 2009, at 16:53:46
In reply to Re: Afraid my therapist might reject me if..... » sharon7, posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 14:37:37
It's hard for me to imagine any therapist being upset if you said what you said here. About your patterns, and your having those feelings about her. Even the most CBT of them should appreciate the insight and the chance to work on a pattern.
A very very very few therapists take talk of the relationship badly, but even then mainly with erotic transference. If you're worried though, you could mention it very generally. She'll likely at least suspect that it could be something that applied to you, and would likely reassure you. I did that a lot with my therapist. In fact he reassured me about a lot of things that didn't apply to me at all!
BTW, my therapist is primarily CBT, and even more so when I first started seeing him. He may have been a bit out of his depth from time to time. But we muddled through somehow.
Posted by antigua3 on January 26, 2009, at 19:00:24
In reply to Afraid my therapist might reject me if....., posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 12:00:07
Something else to consider. By discussing and workng this through w/your T, hopefully you will resolve some of your childhood issues and ultimately come to find a way to mother yourself. That's what I've learned--to find my own mother/father/whatever, within, so that the external need is lessened.
Also, my pdoc is CBT to the max, but he does understand that I project my feelings about my father onto him and that this drives our interactions sometimes.
I didn't know the depth or the anguish that would be required to resolve my "father" issues. It's tough work, and I'm certainly not there yet, but it is worth it to escape the h*ll that I've gone through over the years re-experiencing the intense transference feelings with inappropriate men w/o ever resolving them. (Pls know that I'm not suggesting your feelings or objects of transference are inappropriate; i just happen to have the bad habit of picking men who possess too many of my father's faults.)
Good luck,
antigua
Posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 21:47:34
In reply to Re: Afraid my therapist might reject me if..... » sharon7, posted by Dinah on January 26, 2009, at 16:53:46
Thanks for that, Dinah. the issue has definitely been skirted around. thing with my t is, unless it's my imagination because im like ultra sensitive to her demeanor towards me. id say 90% of the time she's so gentle and kind and makes me feel so safe. then on occassion i'll think she's more distant and i have a reaction to that - sometimes while im still there (like last Thursday) but would never admit that was why i was crying. i wish i could start acting like a grown up. So anyway, sometimes i think my t is acting distant or indifferent towards me and then i'll totally shut down. but then the next week (or whenever i surface again) she'll have me purring like a kitten. Oh, and my feelings for her (or any of the 'mothers' ive had during my life) were never even remotely sexual. it's just the mother/child thing with me. Thanks again! Take is easy. - Sharon (o:
Posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 22:08:20
In reply to Re: Afraid my therapist might reject me if..... » sharon7, posted by antigua3 on January 26, 2009, at 19:00:24
Thanks, Antigua. that is what i want. to learn how to be that good parent to myself so i won't be continually drawn to 'certain' people to try and fill this need i have for a mother (in your case, a father.) im glad to hear you've had some success with being a parent to yourself. that's really the answer, huh?
i hope ill be able to work with my t on this problem because i wont go to anyone else anyway.
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