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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 23, 2009, at 8:39:37
I'm nothing but triggers these days.
I feel dead. I wish I was. I can't do this anymore, but I can't put my loved ones through a suicide either. I'm stuck. Stuck in my loser life, stuck with my brain chemistry, stuck on this earth. I don't want to play anymore.
Posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 10:29:38
In reply to Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 23, 2009, at 8:39:37
I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better!!!
You don't have to play "that" game anymore. You can invent a whole new game for yourself and throw your expectations of how you're supposed to be feeling out the window and just accept how you do feel and get the help you need.
You are not a loser. Repeat one million times. You aren't. You are feeling very badly right now and need some help. Please gather the strength to ask for it. You are right, you can't put your loved ones through a suicide.
Your cave is too dark. You need some beautiful, scented candles to light the way.
Please, please reach out to those who love you,
antigua
Posted by Partlycloudy on January 23, 2009, at 11:24:52
In reply to Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 23, 2009, at 8:39:37
I read your post and my heart about broke. I too have slipped back into using that Loser word to describe myself. It's so hard to believe that this is not our true selves talking, but our depression, but it is what's going on.
This Loser talk is a lie. Today may be coloured in shades of black, but next week you might be able to see some gray, or maybe even some purple or deep blue. There is colour yet in our lives. This depression does not want us to see them, but the light is there.
I've been going through weeks of just breathing out and breathing in. Reach out for help in this time of your greatest need, and it will pass, I surely promise it to you.
Tenderly,
pc
Posted by Phillipa on January 23, 2009, at 13:11:16
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger » TherapyGirl, posted by Partlycloudy on January 23, 2009, at 11:24:52
When I've reached out have been smacked in the face. That's just me of course. Abandonment on all fronts. I don't want to die but sleep is good. love Phillipa
Posted by DAisym on January 23, 2009, at 17:17:05
In reply to Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 23, 2009, at 8:39:37
Sometimes it helps to just let yourself imagine what the future will be without you. Walk down the path - what will you miss? What are your favorite flowers in the spring? What do you usually do at Easter that no one else will? How about the birthdays that are coming up - milestones for anyone? What about that special dish only you can make just right?
Is there one small thing you can think about that will give you something to look forward to tomorrow or next week? A book coming out, a movie or a TV show? Anything that will give you a little respite from the relentless pressure to check out.
I think in many ways suicide is seductive and a dangerous spiral. Speaking for myself, I get lured in with thoughts of resting - that it will all finally, mercifully, be over. I won't have to battle my own shame or keep the secret anymore. But the truth is, a failed attempt creates even more of this - and a success hurts people that I never want to hurt.
Treat yourself like you are ill - rest, eat and sleep. Try to just take it an hour at a time. I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by obsidian on January 23, 2009, at 18:36:26
In reply to Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 23, 2009, at 8:39:37
> I'm nothing but triggers these days.
>
> I feel dead. I wish I was. I can't do this anymore, but I can't put my loved ones through a suicide either. I'm stuck. Stuck in my loser life, stuck with my brain chemistry, stuck on this earth. I don't want to play anymore.I'm so sorry that you're in so much pain. Please know that change is inevitable. I have felt this way, so absolutely bleak and despairing. Be gentle to yourself, be kind. You are not a loser. Please stay here, I appreciate your presence (ok, so I'm selfish ;-)
I'm barely emerging from these feelings right now. I have to take extra medication right now, it's just gotten too hard.
Is there something comfortable you can do for yourself?
Posted by Dinah on January 24, 2009, at 0:11:49
In reply to Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 23, 2009, at 8:39:37
((( Therapygirl )))
Please try to hold on to the intellectual awareness that you're having physical issues right now that can be addressed. It may not seep to your emotional awareness, but it is something to hold onto.
I wish I knew something helpful to say that could help. You certainly aren't a loser to me.
Posted by Sigismund on January 24, 2009, at 1:04:06
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on January 24, 2009, at 0:11:49
This winners and losers thing......
Since (at least for people like me) we are almost done with this world, why allow concepts like this to (I don't wish to offend) contaminate our minds?
We were born into circumstances not of our choosing, at a particular time and place.
My opinion is....
Let others worry about winners and losers. We, you, all of us (maybe, maybe not), have been through enough.
We do not need to do this times' work for it.
This will probably not be helpful, but since little is, I shall press the button anyway.
Posted by wittgensteinz on January 24, 2009, at 7:16:41
In reply to Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 23, 2009, at 8:39:37
TG,
I'm sorry for what you are going through. Please hold on and keep trying to get your endocrinologist to listen and review you meds. You're no loser - you're a fighter. Please don't lose hope - I know it's easy for me to say that but with the right meds why shouldn't things feel very different? I'm glad your T is being there for you - don't be afradi to lean on all your sources of support at this time. It's ok to do that.(((Therapygirl)))
Witti
Posted by LibraryGirl on January 24, 2009, at 11:30:49
In reply to Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 23, 2009, at 8:39:37
(((((TG)))))
I feel your pain. I remember the turmoil I was in a few years ago, and I know how painful and difficult it is. And how constant and hopeless it feels. But it isn't. It truly isn't. Please take what you need from whomever will give it, and be gentle with yourself. I wish I had better words, b/c I know these don't come close to what you're feeling, or to what I wish to convey. Please take care and don't lose hope. PM me anytime.
-LG
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 24, 2009, at 14:41:51
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger » TherapyGirl, posted by LibraryGirl on January 24, 2009, at 11:30:49
Thanks, everybody. I wanted to check in so you wouldn't worry and I appreciate the support. I'll try to respond more fully in the next couple of days.
(((((Babblers)))))))
Posted by Dinah on January 24, 2009, at 14:56:54
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 24, 2009, at 14:41:51
Thank you for posting that. You've very much been in my thoughts.
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 25, 2009, at 16:34:12
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on January 24, 2009, at 14:56:54
I'm still here. Today was slightly better, if by better you mean that I haven't balled all day. But I'm still taking the xanax and there've been a couple of close calls.
I don't mean to upset anyone or make anything worse for anybody else either, but I'm just not sure how many more times I can go through this crap. I'm so tired of it and seemingly have little to no control over it. This is basically an agreement I have with my T -- that *I* decide when I'm done. This may be it.
The friend I was horrible to is still holding me at arm's length. And I wasn't that horrible -- I was a smart a** to her and was spiraling down quickly without realizing it. It makes me wonder about the different response I'd get if I had a heart attack or something. No one knows what to do with mental illness, still.
My T called me last night and said, "I wish I could make this all better for you. I'm sorry I can't." It makes me sad.
Posted by Dinah on January 25, 2009, at 16:41:40
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 25, 2009, at 16:34:12
I'd find it so much more helpful if she had said she couldn't do anything but sit (metaphorically) with me while I'm feeling so bad.
Because that's all that others can do really. Other than to urge you to get IRL help if you need it. Which I do urge you to do. Because as much as we want to be there for you, we're no substitute for real life help. We don't want to lose you. If you need to, please go to the hospital.
And we'll sit with you while you're feeling so bad.
Posted by muffled on January 25, 2009, at 17:13:29
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 25, 2009, at 16:34:12
(((((((((TG))))))))))))
I can't know your world.
But I sorta know mine, and I know mine is tough from time to time. But it gets better.I guess I am fortunate to have that.
I also have a part that just wants to give up. Its just gets so scared it wants to die.
But I got others that don't.
IS there good moments in your life? Has there been? Cuz if so, they can come again.
Death is so permanent. Once your gone, how do you keep trying? Its too late.
Selfishly, I don't want you to go. Cuz you a person, and each and every person is special. You are kind. You think of others. You have love to give.
Have you tried all options?
Meds, ECT, inpatient?
I just worry that losing your T is what is putting you over the edge.
Grief is hard, but it does pass.
I just hate to see you end it B4 trying ALL options.
Cuz there may be happiness for you.
There may be people in this life that you are MEANT to touch, and if you are gone, you can't.
OK so this may be a random tangent, but what about helping in a hospice? Hard work, but maybe you got what it takes? Or with street people? Or problem kids? Stuff most people don't want to deal with? Then you can help, and give, and it makes me feel good to give.
There is so much pain about suicide. There is so much pain in life. But where there's life. There's hope. A chance.
I really hope you can get thru this safely.
Whatever happens.
Know I care, very much.
I too sit w/you.
Your friend,
Muffled
Posted by DAisym on January 25, 2009, at 20:13:25
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 25, 2009, at 16:34:12
Can you read right now? Sometimes I can't read when I feel really bad. But if you can, that is one way to escape much of these bad feelings. I find I need to reread a book I already know I like - or I read about people who are struggling. Often I read about suicide - kind of like, if I can't get away from my own thoughts, I'll read someone else's. I told my therapist once that I was surprised the Uni library didn't make a report on me - I checked out 6 books about suicide all at once.
I strongly recommend anything written by Kay Jamison. I learned a lot from "Night Falls Fast" including how to help myself more.
Hang in there. I know how painful it is but, selfishly, I'd miss you.
Posted by muffled on January 26, 2009, at 21:51:05
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 25, 2009, at 16:34:12
Thinking of you
(((((((((((((((((TG)))))))))))))))))))
safe hugs.
Muffled
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 27, 2009, at 6:07:33
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger » TherapyGirl, posted by muffled on January 26, 2009, at 21:51:05
Thanks, Muffled.
I have been able to stop taking the Xanax now, so I guess that's an improvement. I see my endocrinologist this morning. His office staff (physician assistants) have been no help at all, but I'm hoping he'll come up with something. We'll see.
Posted by JadeKelly on February 6, 2009, at 1:26:18
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 27, 2009, at 6:07:33
Therapy Girl,
I know we don't know each other but I feel compelled to write. I was in a deep whole of despair and loss. I found a medication that is working for me and after a LONG bout of indecribable pain, I see the light. Its getting better and I think soon I may be myself again. I am combining it with Therapy.
I know this sounds guilt provokong, but if it works, heh. The pain that you will inflict on those that love you, should you carry out the plan you speak of with your T, is indescribable.
It is noy only yourself you take but a peice of those you care about. They may never recover.Please make your goal in life to get well, all the other crap can wait. (Childen and pets need to be fed.) I spent months in bed not able to move or leave the house or much of anything. If thats all you can do right now, so be it! It's not forever. Just make sure you have a good PDoc and a good T. And get to those appointments. If you have a PDoc that knows how you are feeling and is not able to bring you out of that thougt pattern, maybe time to consider a new one?
My new one made all the difference. I'd say stick it out with yours but you should not be feeling like this.
I wish you well,
~Jade
Posted by muffled on February 6, 2009, at 10:49:06
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger, posted by TherapyGirl on January 27, 2009, at 6:07:33
Hey TG, Jadekelly said some good practical stuff from one who knows. I hopr you can hear it.
Hows it going?
Did appt go OK?
I haven't been reading here so I dunno if you have a thread elsewhere.
I hope you can source a new T and start trying them out.
I think having a T is very important. Changing is hard, but it can be done.
Its was so beautiful here yesterday, blue skies and gentle warm breezes.
Kinda almost blew it myself a few days ago (not S, but taking big chances....) but I am OK.
Hope you OK too.
Muffled
Posted by TherapyGirl on February 6, 2009, at 16:45:33
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger » TherapyGirl, posted by JadeKelly on February 6, 2009, at 1:26:18
Thanks to both of you. I'm muddling through somehow. I'll try to take your advice.
I found out today that my foot is infected. My skin is just breaking down due to the thyroid issues and so apparently bacteria got in one of the cuts. More drugs, more pain.
Posted by muffled on February 6, 2009, at 19:20:03
In reply to Re: Trigger**Trigger**Trigger - Jade + Muffly, posted by TherapyGirl on February 6, 2009, at 16:45:33
> Thanks to both of you. I'm muddling through somehow. I'll try to take your advice.
>
> I found out today that my foot is infected. My skin is just breaking down due to the thyroid issues and so apparently bacteria got in one of the cuts. More drugs, more pain.Ouch, so your hormones are outta wack.
Hope you can get some good help in getting stuff back on track asap.
You'll prolly feel better some once you can get stabilzed hormonally.
Anyhow, glad your muddling thru somehow.
I hope you can try and find something nice to do just for yourownself.
Sometimes I goto our local bakery and get a apple cinnamon bun w/cream cheeze icing! YUM!
Sometimes I just go round and look at people with a smile pasted on my face, and I get smiles back, from all kinds of ramdom people, incl some that look like maybe they not usually smilers.
You ever notice, there's certain people, when they smile, I dunno, but it just kinda almost glows?
After awhile, then I find I am smiling for REAL, and it feels good.
I like all smiles, but some are extra special.
Maybe you can go seek some smiles?
Or goto a coffee shop? (and seek smiles...)
I truly beleive you were put here on this earth for a reason. And that your struggles are for a reason, and you can touch other lives, and they will touch others, and so our legacy lives on.
Maybe you could do some ramdom weird things, cuz WTF, you got nothing to lose really.
Go do random acts of kindness, or like that Juan Mann youtube, go a give free hugs.
Buy a deck of smokes and pass them out to street people and listen to their stories.
I dunno, thats the sorta thing I might do.
I dunno whats best for you.
Please take care,
M
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