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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by InsideOut on June 21, 2009, at 7:21:11
There is the suggestion to introduce oneself this I find incredibly difficult. I entered chronic emptiness and pressed searchthis being how I stumbled upon this forum. How I stumbled upon my chronic emptinessI tripped over despair too many years ago and am now proceeding unsteadily in my existence. My dissociation offers respite from this life but adds to feeding this deepening sense of aloneness that resides at the center of my being. When with myself not dissociated I struggle with feeling, with the experience of emotion. I become frantic when I feeland so I self-harm and/or dissociate. Stupidly oh so stupidly I stopped taking my medication (excluding seroquelsleep is necessary!) several weeks ago without consulting my psychiatrist or informing my therapist. I just stopped I did not begin by reducing the dosage. I was, and yes, should be on 90mg Cymbalta and 150mg Lamectin. I suppose after 4 years of being on medication I just wanted to be okayto be okay on my ownbut I am not. I do realize what I need to do but this sense of failure is keeping me from admitting it into action. I suppose that I do not have any questions but some thoughts would very much be appreciated?
Posted by antigua3 on June 21, 2009, at 9:16:52
In reply to oh so stupidly ..., posted by InsideOut on June 21, 2009, at 7:21:11
Please don't think of yourself as "stupid". You are going through a hard time and you are reaching out for help. That alone qualifies you for being concerned enough about your situation to know that you need help.
I understand that great urge to quit the meds, to prove that we can be alright without them. For me, that's a sign that I need to stay on them more than ever, that I'm sabotaging myself in some way.
The lonliness is horrible, isn't it? I wish you didn't feel this way.
Take heart, though. You've made a step outward, and you seem to want to fix this. So call your pdoc, or whoever prescribes your meds, and get back on them, and find someone to talk to. Disassociation is such a difficult thing to handle, but you don't have to do this alone. There are lots of people here who can offer advice and suggestions.
I think you were very brave to post, and welcome to babble.
antigua
Posted by Phillipa on June 21, 2009, at 13:18:16
In reply to Re: oh so stupidly ... » InsideOut, posted by antigua3 on June 21, 2009, at 9:16:52
I agree with above post and if the meds were helping then can you begin again? Phillipa
Posted by Poet on June 21, 2009, at 14:28:21
In reply to oh so stupidly ..., posted by InsideOut on June 21, 2009, at 7:21:11
Hi InsideOut,
Welcome to babble.
I think of myself as a failure at everything and have argued with both Dr. Clueless (pdoc) and my T that needing meds and therapy are just another demonstration that I am a complete and utter failure as a human being. So I get your feelings of failure because you want to be able to go med free and it isn't working.
I don't think you are stupid, you just tried something that didn't work out as planned. If you an get up the nerve call your pdoc say, hey I went off my meds, I think I need to back on them, what should I do? Biting the bullet is hard, but so is suffering.
The good thing is you didn't stop the seroquel, I need it to sleep too, and as you observed sleep is necessary. Sometimes chemicals and therapy are too, darn it.
Poet
Posted by Nadezda on June 21, 2009, at 15:29:43
In reply to oh so stupidly ..., posted by InsideOut on June 21, 2009, at 7:21:11
Hi, Insideout.
It takes a lot of courage to introduce yourself. I never introduce myself. I just plunge in-- often not completely tactfully-- so you've actually accomplished something by making the effort and taking the risk of speaking to us here. I know we all do understand how hard it is-- and struggle with these things ourselves. I've read too many posts here not to feel a real sense of community in our struggles.
About the medication-- I know I'll be on medication my whole life-- but I guess I consider myself lucky to have that possibility-- and a real success for having gone to the pdoc, and tried the meds, and to have the good fortune of finding some things that worked for me. I don't see it as a failure AT ALL. I see no great virtue or accomplishment in not "needing" meds. We all need various things--and there's no shame in taking advantage of the things that give us a chance for the best life we can live. That's how I think of meds. I can be more of who I am-- period. I see that itself as a great possibility that I might have been denied without my pdoc etc.
I hope you can find some place in yourself where you know that going back on your meds is really taking care of yourself, and showing confidence and faith in your ability to move forward.
Nadezda
Posted by InsideOut on June 21, 2009, at 16:52:07
In reply to Re: oh so stupidly ... » InsideOut, posted by Nadezda on June 21, 2009, at 15:29:43
Thank you, all of you, for your kind words. I must, and I will speak to my psychiatrist.It is true that medication allows certain people to be more of who I am. I needed to be reminded of that. Thank you for doing that. Growing up my mother was actively psychotic and was only certified a couple of years ago after finally being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. I survived her onslaughts only because I so desperately held on to the belief that this person doing such harm was not my mother. It sounds odd I realize but I only truly met my mother about a year ago when the medication took effect. My mother died into insanity and it is the medication that has given her life in its entirety. She is the person she should be because of the medication. I do need to remember that. Sigh. There is a part of me, a huge part at that, that wants nothing to do with that world. I do not want to be mentally ill. I do not want to harm others as my mother did. I want to turn around and walk towards the world of the sane! But when in that world I do not feel to belong there either! As Poet said, I do feel that I have completely and utterly failed as a human being. Even as an adult I still feel to be but a product of my mothers madness.
Again, thanks to all. It was truly amazing to see the replies and to read the kind words therein.
Posted by yellowbird01 on June 21, 2009, at 17:58:41
In reply to oh so stupidly ..., posted by InsideOut on June 21, 2009, at 7:21:11
Insideout, welcome! I'm not sure that I have much to add that the other posters havent already said, but did want to post a quick hello and welcome anyway. Chronic depression really is miserable. Its something I've fought for a lot time. As the others mentioned, I do understand wanting to stop taking the medication, testing what may happen. I have moments also where I want to just quit therapy, quit medication, and live like a "normal" person (which doesnt exist!).. it never works out very well. But it doesnt mean I havent tried! It doesnt make you stupid. There are many people on this board who have been through many different things and I'm sure you will find many people here you can relate to. Hope to see you around more often.
Posted by InsideOut on June 22, 2009, at 6:33:35
In reply to Re: oh so stupidly ..., posted by yellowbird01 on June 21, 2009, at 17:58:41
Thank you Yellowbird01 for your words.
In all honesty I hate needing my therapist more than I hate needing the meds! At least the meds are unaware of my needing!
I would not have thought that posting, and more so, receiving replies to the post would subside my need to hear my therapists voice. I despise this need and do almost anything to quiet it self-harm usually stills it and although I do realize that this is not an ideal way of coping with needing another, a living person, it does petrify me. I fear the comfort that a person, unfortunately my T, is able to provide I cannot get beyond my determination to cope in a way that no human being can possibly cope: alone. I went as far as having the word alone tattooed on my finger! Really, my poor husband!
So more than anything, thank you to everyone that has posted a reply I have not had an overwhelming urge to phone my T and neither have I hurt myself in days! Oh and I have left a message at my psychiatrist's office to please phone me so that I can get back onto the meds.
Posted by yellowbird01 on June 22, 2009, at 21:15:07
In reply to Re: oh so stupidly ..., posted by InsideOut on June 22, 2009, at 6:33:35
GOOD FOR YOU! Really, you should be proud of yourself. It sounds like youve taken several positive steps in the last few days to take care of you! That's great. :)
I have a history of self-harm too. It's only a very small, rare issue now.. but there was a time where it was a very big issue. I know how hard those urges can tug, and how hard it is to use other coping mechanisms. If posting here helps, that's wonderful. Keep doing it. :)
This is the end of the thread.
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