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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Patches on July 18, 2001, at 21:59:56
Are there different worlds of people on this one earth? I grew up in a world of anger and distrust. Thinking that my night in shining armor was my calm, even-tempered husband, we married 25 years ago. He did save me from my world of turmoil and abuse... for that I will always be grateful. But there was always something I felt I was missing. I've hated myself for my discontent. I should be happy but I'm not. I continue to try to wear my mask of being okay, but I'm realizing that things will never change. I cope with my emotions by cutting to release the anger and rage that I'm not allowed to show otherwise. The expectation is to do, smile, and never make waves.I've lived a life without love and passion. I kept telling myself that it was a guy/girl thing. Women need the hugs and reassurance... the little things to know they're loved. Men just want their Saturday night sex and feel they're doing their part in the relationship. I think more and more now about who writes and sings the beautiful love songs we hear on the radio. Some people are so able to communicate their passion. My husband in his inability to support my needs constantly seems to reaffirm my feeling of rejection and abandonment. I wonder which is worse... the world I grew up in of neglect, ridicule, and abuse or the world of indifference, detachment and rejection. Is there a world of true love and passion? I hoped with the passing years my husband could love me more, but I feel it has become less and less. Now with my children grown, I feel alone as I've never felt before. My t. says that I have rights to be a person and need to express my feelings to my husband, and I have tried, but it usually results in periods of silence and more rejection. I need to instead wear my mask of contentment, but the resentment grows so much deep inside me. Maybe I'm just unable to love resulting from my childhood. Maybe my selfishness makes me this so unloveable person. Am I just wishing for fairy tales? Reading was my escape as a child. Music and cutting help me to cope with my overwhelming feelings of helplessness now. I don't cut badly, just feeling like I deserve the punishment; just need the distraction when I'm filled with so much self-hatred. I should appreciate more and complain less.
Has anyone felt this way? I'm afraid I'm fighting a losing battle, and I'm tired of fighting. I'm afraid of what lies ahead because I don't want to hurt anyone. Please, someone reply, relate, whatever; I'm so alone!
Thank you, Patches
Posted by kid_A on July 18, 2001, at 22:36:40
In reply to Love only in fairy tales?, posted by Patches on July 18, 2001, at 21:59:56
Patches,
I've never been married, though I do understand what it is like to put more into something than you get out of it. I understand this in myself and in others; to give more of yourself to someone than you have ever given anyone, yet to always yield the same results, detachment, distance... Imbalance. Alternately I've thought that love was for everyone else, love is possession, love being what you can do for me... love is how you make me feel, not my feeling for you... But yet I knew how to fall in love, it was easy for me, and I have loved before, real love that pledges your soul to the offered... If you can feel love, than there is love, than love must be real... love takes communication, love takes understanding, patience and willingness to forget yourself, willingness to be entirely naked with your feelings. Maybe this person isnt emotionally capable of doing this, maybe this will take some work between the both of you to accomplish... I still don't know entirely what love is, but I know that I love to love someone, that above all its nearly the best feeling in the world, second only to reciprocated love. I think that is worth any amount of work you put in to your relationship. Speak up, make your feelings known, don't be mute and unhappy. When life is out of balance, you who see it clearly must put it in balance. If this is what you wish. Just don't be unhappy to spite yourself, and don't cut too deep, I can still read what I've cut in my arms... Like a book.please/be/well.
peace.
Posted by Marie1 on July 19, 2001, at 8:22:29
In reply to Love only in fairy tales?, posted by Patches on July 18, 2001, at 21:59:56
Patches,
I wish I had some answers for you. I don't, but at least I can commiserate. I've been married for 19 years and am seeing my marriage dissolve around me. At least that's how I see it. We don't connect anymore, not like we did. I was struck by the fact that you are blaming yourself for your husband's lack of support or caring. Interesting, because I do that too. The old "it must be me" syndrome. Maybe that's not true, though. Maybe you've outgrown him. I don't know. Just don't feel so all alone, I think there are plenty of us wearing your mocassins.Marie
Posted by JennyR on July 20, 2001, at 20:06:03
In reply to Re: Love only in fairy tales? » Patches, posted by Marie1 on July 19, 2001, at 8:22:29
I'm married 16 years, fell out of love long ago. Couples therapy helped us a lot, though we've been out for a year and have backslided, and there's still one issue that's unresolved.
But I do think couples therapy might be the way to go if he's willing. You'll both get to air your stuff. And putting it out there in front of someone else really does help you both gain some objectivity.
It probably shouldn't be with your own therapist though, because he might feel she's already on your side.
Posted by Shar on July 22, 2001, at 0:06:55
In reply to Love only in fairy tales?, posted by Patches on July 18, 2001, at 21:59:56
I agree with the other posters, and also believe there is a cultural trap we fall into about what we expect from love. The cultural stuff is the knight in shining armor, being swept away or maybe protected, laughing together, ----- like the commercials we see on TV.
That romantic kind of love definitely exists, but I believe it is only part of the picture of a marriage. The romantic love gives way a bit as we deal with reality in relationships, annoyances, anger (how we express it or don't), sex, money, fidelity, the goals of the relationship (stated or unstated).
I think we want love to be simple (I know I do) but it is not. And, it is not necessarily natural for us to live with another human being and make constant compromises. The only way to do those things and not feel pissed is through choosing (both partners making a choice), IMHO.
I don't know about love except it can hurt like hell, and has a better chance of succeeding if the two people share a bond or can develop a closeness, and agree on how they want to be with each other.
Good luck.
Shar> Are there different worlds of people on this one earth? I grew up in a world of anger and distrust. Thinking that my night in shining armor was my calm, even-tempered husband, we married 25 years ago. He did save me from my world of turmoil and abuse... for that I will always be grateful. But there was always something I felt I was missing. I've hated myself for my discontent. I should be happy but I'm not. I continue to try to wear my mask of being okay, but I'm realizing that things will never change. I cope with my emotions by cutting to release the anger and rage that I'm not allowed to show otherwise. The expectation is to do, smile, and never make waves.I've lived a life without love and passion. I kept telling myself that it was a guy/girl thing. Women need the hugs and reassurance... the little things to know they're loved. Men just want their Saturday night sex and feel they're doing their part in the relationship. I think more and more now about who writes and sings the beautiful love songs we hear on the radio. Some people are so able to communicate their passion. My husband in his inability to support my needs constantly seems to reaffirm my feeling of rejection and abandonment. I wonder which is worse... the world I grew up in of neglect, ridicule, and abuse or the world of indifference, detachment and rejection. Is there a world of true love and passion? I hoped with the passing years my husband could love me more, but I feel it has become less and less. Now with my children grown, I feel alone as I've never felt before. My t. says that I have rights to be a person and need to express my feelings to my husband, and I have tried, but it usually results in periods of silence and more rejection. I need to instead wear my mask of contentment, but the resentment grows so much deep inside me. Maybe I'm just unable to love resulting from my childhood. Maybe my selfishness makes me this so unloveable person. Am I just wishing for fairy tales? Reading was my escape as a child. Music and cutting help me to cope with my overwhelming feelings of helplessness now. I don't cut badly, just feeling like I deserve the punishment; just need the distraction when I'm filled with so much self-hatred. I should appreciate more and complain less.
> Has anyone felt this way? I'm afraid I'm fighting a losing battle, and I'm tired of fighting. I'm afraid of what lies ahead because I don't want to hurt anyone. Please, someone reply, relate, whatever; I'm so alone!
> Thank you, Patches
Posted by Anna Laura on July 23, 2001, at 5:25:29
In reply to Re: Love only in fairy tales? » Patches, posted by Shar on July 22, 2001, at 0:06:55
> I agree with the other posters, and also believe there is a cultural trap we fall into about what we expect from love. The cultural stuff is the knight in shining armor, being swept away or maybe protected, laughing together, ----- like the commercials we see on TV.
>
> That romantic kind of love definitely exists, but I believe it is only part of the picture of a marriage. The romantic love gives way a bit as we deal with reality in relationships, annoyances, anger (how we express it or don't), sex, money, fidelity, the goals of the relationship (stated or unstated).
>
> I think we want love to be simple (I know I do) but it is not. And, it is not necessarily natural for us to live with another human being and make constant compromises. The only way to do those things and not feel pissed is through choosing (both partners making a choice), IMHO.
>
> I don't know about love except it can hurt like hell, and has a better chance of succeeding if the two people share a bond or can develop a closeness, and agree on how they want to be with each other.
>
> Good luck.
> SharShar, i totally agree with you. Love is not about the corny stuff we see on tv. And we wouldn't want that, after all, would we?
I think life is bitter-sweet and i personally like it as it is, otherwise it would be like eating ice-creams for lunch and dinner all life through! It would be both loathing and boring in the long run.....
Posted by Dubya on July 25, 2001, at 23:01:29
In reply to Love only in fairy tales?, posted by Patches on July 18, 2001, at 21:59:56
Patches, that was such a moving post! I should mention that I don't know what love is or how to love. I can relate to that really touching post, wow, you couldn't be more serious, I'm sorry to hear that... I'm not try to sympathize but rather, can't believe that it is happening to someone like yourself. I'm 20, male born in Canada. My life couldn't be a bigger fairy tale. My parents worked their butts off, living in a middle/upper middle class/upper class neighbourhood (just an indication of how hard they worked). They provided me with pretty much whatever I wanted. Saddest thing is, I can't do well in school, not only a disappointment to myself/parents but rather a waste of a person. It's upsetting b/c people who don't have what I do want to have those material things. I had 5 computers purchased by my household since 1990. I've a car, I've got all of this material stuff and yet I couldn't be sadder. I currently see myself on the streets as being homeless since I currently live with my parents. What kind of idiot would go to the prom without a prom date? Me. What kind of idiot can't live with himself/forgive himself, me. It's that bad, it gets worse, I have no friends, I am really messed, I'm ugly and dumb b/c no girl wants me or to be near me. My parents never really second guess my purchasing decisions or suggestions yet, I have never been good at anything. I'd at least be happy knowing that I'm not good at everything than being called a failure, loser, fag, and the list goes on... basically, I've been called every name in the book, mainly by non-family members. I'm always late, I can go an entire day staying home and only then go out at 5pm or 9pm for the 1st time all day. I can't do anything normal, that not only bothers me, it seems to bother everybody else around me. I feel that nobody wants to be nice to me b/c they seem snobby towards me. I am constantly having thoughts/images of wanting to die as in thinking about dying in a fatal car crash or jumping from a certain height that will result in guaranteed...
I'm always nervous even though I'm really not, I sweat like a pig especially around people or when I think I stand out in any way, shape or form.
Trust me, I'm one of a kind, I know nobody that is like me, nobody that acts like me or does such stupid things as I do. Even worse, it is those things I don't do such as pot-drugs, green tea, cigarettes, anything that might actually make me feel emotionally better. BTW I'm crying right now and most people cry for a reason, well I'm crying because I am all of those things I've mentioned and more. I am anything but normal. I'd like for people to tell me that I am perfectly normal or close to it but then they'd be lying to me to make me feel better. I hope that you Peaches aren't going through any of this, esp. since you have a great family right?
Posted by Dubya on July 25, 2001, at 23:04:43
In reply to Love only in fairy tales?, posted by Patches on July 18, 2001, at 21:59:56
don't you agree? I mean I don't want to waste precious bandwidth which others can actually use for something more important right?
Posted by Dubya on July 25, 2001, at 23:21:20
In reply to Re: Love only in fairy tales? » Patches, posted by kid_A on July 18, 2001, at 22:36:40
I mean again like I said I have never had a girlfriend (probably no clue how to get one) thus never been married... But, when I say it's the nice people who often feel this way because, they are wanting to please, to put in more than they expect to get out of whatever... but, when they put in so much effort and feel ignored, that's probably what hurts the most? My guess would be that the two of you have been together for too long... in the sense that, either one of you or both of you should add some inspiration and try to keep the excitement going. The fun's died down but, I don't think it's for good... I just hope he's the one who jumpstarts the relationship, not you b/c you have enough on your shoulders. hmm perhaps start with a vacation to like the Bahamas or Florida or wherever else seems like a fantasy place to you. Just the two of you have to go, that way (please forgive my choice of words) both of you can feel young again and perhaps revisit those fond memories that once brought the two of you together. I mean even going to the movies together like watching AMERICAN SWEETHEARTS, etc or going out to dinner but do leave the kids behind. By the way, if you are feeling the way you've described, I think he's forgotten about the real YOU and is caught up in too many other things so, I'm hoping for your sake that he will change! Good luck!
Posted by Marie1 on July 26, 2001, at 12:06:43
In reply to if it make you feel better MY LIFE IS A FAIRY TALE » Patches, posted by Dubya on July 25, 2001, at 23:01:29
Dubya,
Your post really got to me! I'm so sorry that somewhere along the line you got such a distorted view of yourself. OBVIOUSLY, you have a lot to contribute - I can tell by your post. You seems like a sweet, sensitive, caring individual. You know, I think most people around your age (I'm guessing late teens, early twenties?) feel the way you do - insecure about everything. Especially if you don't fit the "mold" like others may seems to do. Maybe it takes growing up more (please don't take offense at that) to get comfortable being yourself. You know, some of the most talented and celebrated people in the world say they felt the way you do at that age. It takes awhile to get to know and understand yourself. I'm still in that process in my 40's! In fact, you seem way more introspective than I was back in the day. That puts you ahead of the game. Try to appreciate what's special about YOU, and if anyone slanders you, well, what do they know? Not the real you. Please take care of yourself.Marie
Posted by sar on July 26, 2001, at 14:44:56
In reply to Re: if it make you feel better MY LIFE IS A FAIRY TALE » Dubya, posted by Marie1 on July 26, 2001, at 12:06:43
Dear Dubya,
Well hey darlin! Where've you been? Remind me whether or not you're on meds. I'm currently on a Pro-Psychiatric Drugs tirade.
You sound so down on yourself, it makes me sad. I think 20 is such a hard age. I had a lot of money once but was very depressed, I know how that goes--but at least you're financially comfortable enough to get yourself some good doctors, which I think you should do.
I'm the kind of idiot who went to prom without a date. I spent half the time crying in a bathroom stall and the othere half smoking cigarettes outside.
love,
sar
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