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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lymom3 on January 7, 2007, at 1:00:37
He's 18 and finally admitted he's addicted to weed. He's stolen from our house so many times. He's been fired from every job he's had because of combo of ADHD and drugs. He stole from the last one. He had been clean for 3 weeks and was scheduled to start outpatient rehab on Monday. I knew he was acting "off" last night but hoped I was wrong. He stole $100 from his older brother's wallet today. Brother specifically spent the night to be with him today before he went to work but my kid was off with the money.
It's the last straw. I have been very depressed and ill lately worrying myself sick over this to the point that I have thought of hospitalizing myself. I want to give him 3 days worth of meds and some clothes and tell him don't come back until Monday. That's when rehab center is open again and he could get admitted. I am willing to give him rides to homeless shelter's if he can't find a place to stay but I can't take this anymore and no one else should have to either.
I could use any other suggestions that anyone might have.
Lisa
Posted by med_empowered on January 7, 2007, at 1:00:38
In reply to My son is breaking my heart with marijuana, posted by lymom3 on January 5, 2007, at 14:39:38
I think you need a break. Maybe you should give him his meds and some cash and send him off for a couple days. Unless you think you can hold out...then it might be best to do that. I'm sorry you're having this situation. In some states you can have people committed pretty quickly for drug/alcohol abuse...I'm not saying you should do that (in almost all cases, I'm anti-commitment), but it might be an option to look into.
Posted by UGottaHaveHope on January 7, 2007, at 1:00:38
In reply to Re: My son is breaking my heart with marijuana, posted by med_empowered on January 5, 2007, at 15:27:56
Lymom: I am so inspired and encouraged by your acts of love toward your son. You have gone above and beyond, and I'm sure will continue to do so.
I know you want to give more love and chances to your son. Never give up on him or anybody.
HOWEVER, it is vital that you feel well enough to deal with this. Perhaps one of your other family members or someone from your church can intervene and maintain the situation for the time being, while you regain your strength.
Posted by lymom3 on January 7, 2007, at 1:00:38
In reply to Love Conquers All, posted by UGottaHaveHope on January 5, 2007, at 15:41:30
There is noone to take him. His dad refuses and there is no family on either of our sides here. His choices for this weekend have to be finding his own place to stay or going to a shelter for the weekend. I'm going to provide him with phone numbers for shelters and a 24 hour hotline for narcanon who will assist him 24 hours also. I can't even ask anyone else to take him with the chance that he would steal from them.
He has such a good heart and cares so much about me. Until he is ready to go to inpatient care which is obviously what he needs, I can't be around him nor should any other family member be subjected to him anymore. He has stolen money and pawned things from all of us before. I don't ever want to give up on him but I can't sacrifice myself and the rest of my family either.
Posted by laima on January 7, 2007, at 1:00:38
In reply to My son is breaking my heart with marijuana, posted by lymom3 on January 5, 2007, at 14:39:38
Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about your son and about how you are affected. I hope that the rehab is successful. I never had a marijuana problem on that scale, but there was a time I smoked so much that it did hurt my judgement and motivation. The biggest reason I was able to leave it behind was getting involved with an entirely new set of friends with whom activities and conversation didn't revolve around the culture of smoking marijuana. That was absolutely crucial-trying to not smoke, or to smoke less, while still surrounded by that culture was completely ineffective. And if there was alcohol around- tipsy, smoking a little never ever seemed like a bad idea. Grad school helped transform my attitude, too. I didn't want to be duller than everyone else, and the program was ambitious enough that I couldn't slack at all. I also liked that I lost lots of weight as I stopped smoking. The other big motivator was looking critically at long term smokers that I was aquainted with, and noticing that undisputeably, a number of them had gone "off" mentally. I remember hearing about someone who stole her roomate's rent and utility money to buy more marijuana- they kicked her out after that because they felt so unsafe. I imagine they'll cover these sorts of topics in rehab. I also imagine a radical change of daily structure will be beneficial. Best wishes.
Posted by SLS on January 7, 2007, at 1:00:38
In reply to Re: Love Conquers All, posted by lymom3 on January 5, 2007, at 15:53:34
> There is noone to take him. His dad refuses and there is no family on either of our sides here. His choices for this weekend have to be finding his own place to stay or going to a shelter for the weekend. I'm going to provide him with phone numbers for shelters and a 24 hour hotline for narcanon who will assist him 24 hours also. I can't even ask anyone else to take him with the chance that he would steal from them.
>
> He has such a good heart and cares so much about me. Until he is ready to go to inpatient care which is obviously what he needs, I can't be around him nor should any other family member be subjected to him anymore. He has stolen money and pawned things from all of us before. I don't ever want to give up on him but I can't sacrifice myself and the rest of my family either.
You are probably doing the right thing - for many reasons.If there has been a pattern of enabling, the cycle would have had to be broken at some point anyway. When it comes to addicts, they often don't turn around until they hit rock-bottom. Some very wealthy people end up homeless and penniless due to addiction. Obviously, they didn't catch it along their way down.
Boundaries. You are finally setting some.
You are protecting your own mental health. This is critical, and, unfortunately, is incompatible with his being at home.
It is difficult to know for sure how he will react to your taking this action. Perhaps he will rebel and refuse to participate in any program. I hope this doesn't happen.
Hopefully, you can convey to him how much you love him and that you want to remain in communication with him.
He'll be alright.
You'll be alright.
I think anyone involved with Narcotics Anonymous or a MICA program would tell you that you are doing the right thing.
I hope everything turns out OK.
- Scott
Posted by Jay on January 7, 2007, at 1:00:39
In reply to My son is breaking my heart with marijuana, posted by lymom3 on January 5, 2007, at 14:39:38
Hi...
I am sorry you are going through so much agony. It sounds like you also need a lot of support, and are not getting it.
You should seriously look to getting some outside help. Remember also, this is *not* your fault, you are just human like all of us, and a person can only take so much...be it a parent, or whatever role.I can give you some general info here, and if you want more specific, please feel free to babble-mail me. Grab your telephone book and look for something under youth support services, or community youth support services. Start calling from there, and they will likely lead you to where you
can find help. But, you must remember, at 18, you may be limited in what you can do with him. He is going to likely have to agree to a few things. If you feel that is way too much work for you, and it is a lot of work, then call a local mental health distress phone number. You definitely should not have to do this alone.Let us know how you make out..
Jay
Posted by Phillipa on January 7, 2007, at 1:00:39
In reply to Re: My son is breaking my heart with marijuana » lymom3, posted by Jay on January 5, 2007, at 16:46:18
Funny I remember when this happened with my Son at age l4 I was helpless as for some reason in Conn. you couldn't committ someone after the age of l4. There was a missing hole between l4 and l8. Hope it works out you are doing the right thing. Love Phillipa
Posted by UGottaHaveHope on January 7, 2007, at 1:00:39
In reply to Re: My son is breaking my heart with marijuana, posted by Phillipa on January 5, 2007, at 17:03:13
nm
Posted by fayeroe on January 7, 2007, at 10:28:49
In reply to Re: Love Conquers All » lymom3, posted by SLS on January 5, 2007, at 16:16:26
> > There is noone to take him. His dad refuses and there is no family on either of our sides here. His choices for this weekend have to be finding his own place to stay or going to a shelter for the weekend. I'm going to provide him with phone numbers for shelters and a 24 hour hotline for narcanon who will assist him 24 hours also. I can't even ask anyone else to take him with the chance that he would steal from them.
> >
> > He has such a good heart and cares so much about me. Until he is ready to go to inpatient care which is obviously what he needs, I can't be around him nor should any other family member be subjected to him anymore. He has stolen money and pawned things from all of us before. I don't ever want to give up on him but I can't sacrifice myself and the rest of my family either.
>
>
> You are probably doing the right thing - for many reasons.
>
> If there has been a pattern of enabling, the cycle would have had to be broken at some point anyway. When it comes to addicts, they often don't turn around until they hit rock-bottom. Some very wealthy people end up homeless and penniless due to addiction. Obviously, they didn't catch it along their way down.
>
> Boundaries. You are finally setting some.
>
> You are protecting your own mental health. This is critical, and, unfortunately, is incompatible with his being at home.
>
> It is difficult to know for sure how he will react to your taking this action. Perhaps he will rebel and refuse to participate in any program. I hope this doesn't happen.
>
> Hopefully, you can convey to him how much you love him and that you want to remain in communication with him.
>
> He'll be alright.
>
> You'll be alright.
>
> I think anyone involved with Narcotics Anonymous or a MICA program would tell you that you are doing the right thing.
>
> I hope everything turns out OK.
>
>
> - ScottScott's message is excellent. As someone who has worked as a substance abuse counselor and had children that abused pot, you have to set boundaries and refuse to enable your son. At 18, if he's smart enough to figure out to steal $100 from his brother, he's smart enough to figure out how to find shelter.
Your plan for giving him his meds and telling him where the shelter is sounds like a winner to me. He will have to hit bottom before he decides, for himself, to change.
It's hard to do, but your plan will help him more in the long run.
Please keep us posted. Pat
Posted by Phillipa on January 7, 2007, at 14:19:54
In reply to Re: Love Conquers All, posted by fayeroe on January 7, 2007, at 10:28:49
So did you make it last night? Love Phillipa
Posted by notfred on January 7, 2007, at 21:11:33
In reply to Re: Love Conquers All, posted by fayeroe on January 7, 2007, at 10:28:49
"Scott's message is excellent. As someone who has worked as a substance abuse counselor and had children that abused pot, you have to set boundaries and refuse to enable your son. At 18, if he's smart enough to figure out to steal $100 from his brother, he's smart enough to figure out how to find shelter."
here, here ! Addicts figure out how to continue getting high without working, they can figure out other things, too. It takes some cunning and street smarts to be an addict. Addicts are really good at finding those who will enable them.
Posted by Kath on January 8, 2007, at 15:12:28
In reply to Re: Love Conquers All, posted by lymom3 on January 5, 2007, at 15:53:34
Oh Boy - can I relate.
You MUST take care of yourself. You're doing the right thing!!!!!!!!
He'll be OK while you take the time to do whatever you need to to take care of YOU.
I have been through a similar situation.
If you have a local or nearby Al-Anon group or Nar-Anon group, they're exTREMEly supportive & helpful. There's an on-line Nar-Anon group. In the summer I got some good support from it.
The very most important thing right now is for you to take care of yourself hun. I have been there & I know that this is true.
Also....you have not caused this to happen to your son; it's not your fault.
Looking back to when my son was similar to yours (except there were always additional drugs; not just weed) I would say the best advice I could have received at the time was:
- take good care of yourself
- you've given your son the tools he needs to make good decisions & take care of himself; he might use them right now or he might not, but you've given them to him
- get some 12-Step support - Al-Anon or Nar-Anon or CoDependents Anonymous
- decide what 'bottom lines' you can set & stick to (it's really important that you are going to be able to stick to whatever you say to your son with some degree of comfort); let your son know your bottom lines,then STICK TO THEM
- try to find a good parent support group; lots are free - a Tough Love type of thing - they tend to vary in how 'tough' they are, but usually there's a phone list of parents who you can phone if you need support
I send you golden light - surrounding you & soaking into every pore - soothing you & calming you & healing you.
much love, Kath
PS - Please BAbblemail me if you want to.
Posted by Kath on January 8, 2007, at 15:14:45
In reply to Re: Love Conquers All » lymom3, posted by SLS on January 5, 2007, at 16:16:26
(((((((((((((((((Scott))))))))))))))))
Hiiiiiii.
Scott you are such a sweetie.
Hey - what's MICA?
luv, Kath (from ASH)
Posted by Kath on January 8, 2007, at 15:26:39
In reply to Re: Love Conquers All, posted by lymom3 on January 5, 2007, at 15:53:34
Guess what? I just wanted to talk about 'hitting bottom' - getting so low that you are SO uncomfortable, that a person WANTS to change....
If your son can hit bottom NOW, believe me, it will be the best thing.
My son is now 22 & I think he's hitting bottom now - God - I hope this is bottom!
He's been psychotic for several weeks: hearing voices saying they'll hurt him or that he should hurt himself; being suicidal; being paranoid - sure that he & his GF are going to be hurt or killed. He's in a psych ward; receiving anti-psychotic meds; several crisises each day....He just phoned me not long ago (he's across Canada from me - I'm in Ontario, he's in BC) & said, "Mom; I don't think I'm gonna make it. I've ruined my life." I just tried to reassure him that he's only been on the meds for a little over a week & they need time to work.
I wish I'd been really hardcore as to sticking to what I said over the years with my son. My daughter used to always say that if he didn't 'hit bottom' then, it would be a harder bottom to hit later. And it IS!!!!!!!
I reassure him that he has to try to continue to wait for the meds to work. In actual fact, I am pretty freaked out. WILL they work? WILL he get better? I don't let on, of course, but I have no idea what's going to happen.
NOW I realize that letting him sleep on the street years ago would have been a Heck of a lot easier than what I'm experiencing now!!!!
Stick with it. Believe me, it's way better if he experiences whatever he needs to NOW with weed, than with cocaine & meth later (what my son had been doing, after moving across the country to try to get 'clean').
My heart goes out to you. As Scott said, your son will be OK. You'll be OK too.
hugs, Kath
Posted by lymom3 on January 10, 2007, at 17:30:02
In reply to Re: Love Conquers All, posted by fayeroe on January 7, 2007, at 10:28:49
He went to rehab Monday. I can't even be relieved because I'm dreading when he gets out. I know that I have babied/enabled him too much and helped make him dependent rather than independent. I really hate to say this but it is so serene without him there that I really don't want him back when he's out. I don't know if they have placement services such as a halfway house or something but I think that both of us need to be separated from each other. I don't know if I can survive taking him back and I don't think that anything would change.
He's always had problems getting jobs even though he is quite intelligent...more trouble keeping them when you are ADHD and on drugs. I am going to go to a NA meeting that is for families tonight. I'm sure I'll end up crying some more and embarrass myself...I'm getting good at it.
If I would have known that kids could hurt this much I would never have had them. It kills me to see him hurt so much and for me to feel like my life is falling apart around me too. Thanks for the moral support...I can use all that I can get.
Lisa
Posted by Kath on January 10, 2007, at 19:05:14
In reply to Re: Love Conquers All, posted by lymom3 on January 10, 2007, at 17:30:02
> He went to rehab Monday. I can't even be relieved because I'm dreading when he gets out. I know that I have babied/enabled him too much and helped make him dependent rather than independent. I really hate to say this but it is so serene without him there that I really don't want him back when he's out. I don't know if they have placement services such as a halfway house or something but I think that both of us need to be separated from each other. I don't know if I can survive taking him back and I don't think that anything would change.
*********I'm so glad he's in rehab. For how long? I would imagine that the rehab place has a social worker for the families or something to help you cope & plan. I bet folks at your NA family group might have experience or info about that*******
> He's always had problems getting jobs even though he is quite intelligent...more trouble keeping them when you are ADHD and on drugs.
**********I can relate. My son has ADD & has always had trouble holding a job. ******I am going to go to a NA meeting that is for families tonight. I'm sure I'll end up crying some more and embarrass myself...I'm getting good at it.
*****Probably most of the people there were the very same as you, so don't worry about it!*******
>
> If I would have known that kids could hurt this much I would never have had them.
****I can relate to this also. I feel the same way******
It kills me to see him hurt so much and for me to feel like my life is falling apart around me too.
********I know what you mean. These past weeks have been like that for me also.*****
Thanks for the moral support...I can use all that I can get.
*********you're welcome. This is a great place for support. I wish you the best. Good that you're thinking about taking care of yourself. Please try to go through firmly with what you were saying. I sure as heck wish I had done that when my problems were similar to yours, instead of having my son suicidal; psychotic & certified in the psych ward, wondering if he'll EVER be a normal human being.
Try to be strong. I wish I had been able to.****hugs, Kath
>
> Lisa
Posted by Impermanence on January 30, 2007, at 14:00:26
In reply to My son is breaking my heart with marijuana, posted by lymom3 on January 5, 2007, at 14:39:38
As an experienced cannabis abuser who had 'problems', I can honestly say, he's not gonna stop smoking weed, get over it. The best thing you can do is tell him you love him and tell him to find his own place to live. He'll be fine, trust me, being a stoner does not mean you're stupid or like a heroin addict. I know it'll be hard for you at first but you'll both get over it and he'll be thankful for the push in the end, he's growing up awkwardly, let go and push him out of the nest.
This is the end of the thread.
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