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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by scratchpad on March 28, 2007, at 21:51:21
And do they understand that they live with this person with the dual diagnosis of mental illness and addiction?
Any suggestions as to what helps facilitate communication would be really appreciated.
I guess I'm in a funk and am trying to find some answers.
thanks
Scratchpad
Posted by antigua on March 30, 2007, at 10:06:47
In reply to Are your spouses supportive?, posted by scratchpad on March 28, 2007, at 21:51:21
It's such a good question, but there are no easy answers.
I have a great husband in many ways, we've been together for many years and been through a lot. i have to say he is the only one that I can truly trust; he has stood by me through some pretty atrocious behavior on my part and would never leave me.
That said, he wants nothing to do with my csa issues; doesn't want to know what they are. he just hates my father, which means I can't talk about any of it with him. He's blinded when it comes to this, a weakness of his.
As to the addiction, he sends mixed messages. he has been told by my Pdoc and T that the best support he can be is to 1)not drink around me and 2) never bring anything into the house. He fails constantly on both accounts. He used to sabotage me by bringing it home for me, but not anymore. It was a terrible cycle. The message was You can drink when I want you to, to be my buddy and for us to have fun, but you can't drink your way and I will punish you if there any consequences (getting drunk in front of the kids, hurting myself, whatever). So it has always been a mixed message.I've tried to talk to him about it, but he refuses to get it. My Pdoc and T think he has issues of his own with his own father being an alcoholic, but it's more than that. We have a very complicated relationship.
So my choice is to live with him drinking around him or leave for my own sobriety's sake. My choice has to been to stay and suffer for now, to keep sober on my own as best as I can. It's not like I can or want to walk out the door; let's just say it's complicated.
One thing that bothers me tremendously is that since he drinks (not all the time and not too much very often) we don't do other things that would be helpful to me as a sober person. I got him to go to a H.S. basketball game once and we had a great time, and if I came up with more ideas, he'd probably do them.
As to the mental illness part--he refuses to deal with it. Just keeps asking me if I'm alright, and I never know what to say when I'm feeling bad because I know he can't deal with it.
This is one big mish-mash. sorry, but it's my life. things are good, but there is a lot of pressure on me to be "o,K," a lot of the time.
tell me what your situation is like,
antigua
Posted by scratchpad on March 30, 2007, at 11:13:50
In reply to Re: Are your spouses supportive?, posted by antigua on March 30, 2007, at 10:06:47
> It's such a good question, but there are no easy answers.
>
> I have a great husband in many ways, we've been together for many years and been through a lot. i have to say he is the only one that I can truly trust; he has stood by me through some pretty atrocious behavior on my part and would never leave me.
>
> That said, he wants nothing to do with my csa issues; doesn't want to know what they are. he just hates my father, which means I can't talk about any of it with him. He's blinded when it comes to this, a weakness of his.
> As to the addiction, he sends mixed messages. he has been told by my Pdoc and T that the best support he can be is to 1)not drink around me and 2) never bring anything into the house. He fails constantly on both accounts. He used to sabotage me by bringing it home for me, but not anymore. It was a terrible cycle. The message was You can drink when I want you to, to be my buddy and for us to have fun, but you can't drink your way and I will punish you if there any consequences (getting drunk in front of the kids, hurting myself, whatever). So it has always been a mixed message.
>
> I've tried to talk to him about it, but he refuses to get it. My Pdoc and T think he has issues of his own with his own father being an alcoholic, but it's more than that. We have a very complicated relationship.
>
> So my choice is to live with him drinking around him or leave for my own sobriety's sake. My choice has to been to stay and suffer for now, to keep sober on my own as best as I can. It's not like I can or want to walk out the door; let's just say it's complicated.
>
> One thing that bothers me tremendously is that since he drinks (not all the time and not too much very often) we don't do other things that would be helpful to me as a sober person. I got him to go to a H.S. basketball game once and we had a great time, and if I came up with more ideas, he'd probably do them.
>
> As to the mental illness part--he refuses to deal with it. Just keeps asking me if I'm alright, and I never know what to say when I'm feeling bad because I know he can't deal with it.
>
> This is one big mish-mash. sorry, but it's my life. things are good, but there is a lot of pressure on me to be "o,K," a lot of the time.
> tell me what your situation is like,
> antiguaVery, very similar. I've asked my husband not to drink in front of me. When I went through the outpatient programme he got rid of everything in the house - it made it so easy for me to get sober! A year and a half on, he has his glass of wine or cocktail at the end of the day, "falls asleep" on the sofa, and I ruminate - it's awful. As long as he's conscious and in the room with me, it's fine, but as soon as he snoozes, I feel enormously triggered and self righteous about If He Can Do It Why Can't I? and I work myself into a right state of anxiety and anger. I see it happening right before my eyes.
My T suggested Al-Anon for him, but he won't go.And he keeps asking me when I'm going to be "all better", off my medications, out of therapy. I was verbally abused by my ex and suffer PTSD as a result of some of the bad stuff that happened towards the end of the marriage. My husband says it's time to get over it... sounds familiar, no?
He knows and understands that I can never drink.
Life is complicated, isn't it?Do you give your husband books and material to read and get educated about the subjects?
sp
Posted by antigua on March 30, 2007, at 18:39:07
In reply to Re: Are your spouses supportive? » antigua, posted by scratchpad on March 30, 2007, at 11:13:50
Books and materials? No way; he wouldn't read them. He's perfect, you see. I'm not kidding; his mother brought him up to believe that he's perfect so if anything is wrong, it has to be me!
Weekends are very hard. I get so resentful at times. My sobriety group broke up so I don't have them to vent to, but I'm handling it o.k. Maybe it's because it's spring and I've just been editing a wine guide that has driven me to the edge. If I see one more glass of wine in print, or watch someone simply sip one glass, I'm going to explode.
If they go to a vodka guide, I'm off the deep end.
The only way I truly get my husband's attention is if I relapse, and he is filled with remorse and promises (but very judgmental on me) but they never last. It's a very tough situation to deal with. I wish I had a husband who didn't drink, but I do, and I have to deal with it. I've been told often enough by my group that it's my problem to deal with, but when it's shoved in your face almost every day, it's hard to resist.
sorry to be so pessimistic,
love,
antigua
Posted by scratchpad on March 30, 2007, at 19:04:19
In reply to Re: Are your spouses supportive? » scratchpad, posted by antigua on March 30, 2007, at 18:39:07
((((Antigua))))
This is true for so many of us.
I'm available for venting, too.sp
Posted by gardenergirl on April 1, 2007, at 15:43:07
In reply to Re: Are your spouses supportive?, posted by scratchpad on March 30, 2007, at 19:04:19
Substance abuse is not one of my issues, but I had a hard time with my husband not understanding my depression and sensitivity. I finally recommended he go to a therapist to get some support for himself about my depression, since I couldn't really support him when I was struggling with just my own stuff.
It really helped, and we are now in couples counseling. It's been a really good thing. I highly recommend it if it's an option. It seems to me to be even more useful and effective when you're not in a crisis or on the verge of divorce like so many couples are who go to counseling. At least that's what our T says.
I tried giving him the Burns book, "Feeling Good", but I don't think he read it. But I was desperate for him to have a better understanding of depression, because his disappointment and judgment were really upsetting for me and are a dynamic that's a part of the whole deal.
I can imagine myself feeling the way you describe when your husband falls asleep after having a drink. It is good that you see it happening. That's crucial to getting a handle on it whenever you're meant to.
Warm hugs your way....
Namaste
gg
Posted by scratchpad on April 1, 2007, at 21:43:37
In reply to Re: Are your spouses supportive? » scratchpad, posted by gardenergirl on April 1, 2007, at 15:43:07
> I tried giving him the Burns book, "Feeling Good", but I don't think he read it. But I was desperate for him to have a better understanding of depression, because his disappointment and judgment were really upsetting for me and are a dynamic that's a part of the whole deal.
>I gave my copy of that book to a friend I used to work with, who is being babysat into sobriety by her husband and her mum. We went out to a movie this weekend and I found it was just easier to talk to her than I remembered. I think that by now perhaps she and I have shared some similar experiences with depression and substance abuse.
A long time ago I gave away my copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty. So I ordered a new one, and told my husband that we can read it. He's going through some serious stuff with his daughter (whom you met) as she is experiencing her own substance problems.
Somehow I know that this is all playing out exactly as it's supposed to. I even have an extra appointment booked with my T this week, as she's trying to see if we all can benefit and learn about this process.
> I can imagine myself feeling the way you describe when your husband falls asleep after having a drink. It is good that you see it happening. That's crucial to getting a handle on it whenever you're meant to.
>Lately I have just been sitting in complete panic, trying to remember to breathe in and out. Counting up and down to 4 over and over helps. Eventually the panic releases its grip, out of boredom.
> Warm hugs your way....
>
> Namaste
>
> ggand to you
sp
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