![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 32 to 56 of 66. Go back in thread:
Posted by Ilene on February 26, 2004, at 19:01:36
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 13, posted by Ilene on February 25, 2004, at 18:37:50
Third day at 40 mg. Still no effects nor side effects. Nada. Zilch. Naught. I am still very depressed, but right now I feel a little better than I did this morning or yesterday.
I thought I had screwed myself by waiting until the last minute to get more Marplan, because I figure the local drugstore doesn't have much call for it, so they would be out. My pdoc called because she wanted to see how I was doing, and called the pharmacy and got me to make an appt to see her tomorrow. The pharm. gave me a few pills to tide me over while they reorder. Disaster averted, out another $130 tomorrow.
The big news for today is that I saw my new chronic fatigue syndrome doc. I posted about it because he said some interesting things about ADs:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040223/msgs/317995.htmlI just googled him and found out that he is Laura Hillenbrand's physician ("Seabiscuit").
He certainly has a lot of interesting things to say. For one thing, he thinks depression and anxiety are both symptoms of cfs. (Not exclusively, obviously.) He explains many of my physical oddities as related to each other. My bad feet and bad veins are due to a mild hyperflexibility in my joints and connective tissue, which is linked to my dysautonomia, which is linked to my cfs. The chronic stiffness in my neck and shoulders is a muscular reaction to having loose ligaments. I need to be careful with yoga poses. This is strange, because I never thought of myself as being loose-jointed.
I'm still a little disturbed over his comment about "antidepressants not working". I know that's not what he meant, but that's what I heard. I just can't get over that rush of despair.
Coming home on the subway I read that the med I'm on for cfs can cause depression. . . What to do?
My son didn't take his key, so he wasn't home when I got back. Not surprising, since I spent nearly 2 hours with this doc. (Amazing!) I couldn't get my key in the front door, either, which was pretty suspicious. My son guiltily confessed to pushing a twig into the lock. Frustrating, because I can't use the deadbolt--but there's another lock on the door keyed the same--and I feel sorry for the poor guy because he can't remember anything. BTW, the new doc thinks ADD, which my son has, is a dysautonomia, too.
I talked w/ the mom down the street where my son took refuge. We plan to do something this weekend. She's not as big a flake as my son's other friend's mom, the one I was supposed to do something with on Sunday. Maybe this will actually happen. She's a nice person, even if we don't have many interests in common.
I'm too tired to cook the zucchini to go with our leftover chicken.
I hope my husband calls me. Maybe I'll call my daughter.
Posted by cubbybear on February 26, 2004, at 23:34:06
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 14, posted by Ilene on February 26, 2004, at 19:01:36
dear Ilene,
Having religiously kept a detailed journal of my life for the past 10 years or so (I now have about 45 finished volumes), I really enjoy reading yours. Some of it makes for entertaining reading, although I know you probably wouldn't believe it. You sound quite coherent; you write well, and most important, you are DOING things to keep yourself busy and occupied.
Remember that you're only up to Day 14 of the Marplan and it could take another week or two to fully kick in. That has always been my experience with Parnate.
cubbybear
Posted by cubbybear on February 26, 2004, at 23:55:37
In reply to Re: My suicidal ideation » Ilene » cubbybear, posted by Ilene on February 26, 2004, at 9:29:05
>>
> You're right, depression can't be cured. That frightens me very much.No, this isn't something to get frightened or upset about. There are countless physical as well as mental infirmities which can never be cured. Diabetes can't be cured; one must always take insulin to maintain the proper level of blood sugar. My mother has a thyroid problem in which the gland is chronically hypoactive so she has to take thyroid extract. Try to think in terms of our being human beings in which nobody and nothing is perfect; so sometimes, we have to provide a boost or supplementary chemicals to stay on an even keel.
I can't do much for myself until I get the leg up from meds, and they haven't been working. I'm too sick to work and I have no social life. If I felt better I would volunteer or take a class in order to meet people.
Hopefully, your Marplan will kick in before long and after it does, you'll be amazed at all the activies you'll just naturally want to do. When I was severely depressed, I got to a point in which all I could do was sit on my bed and stare into space, practically catatonic. Within a month or two after starting the Parnate, I was actually back at work and running around doing everything I normally like to do.
>
> I go to yoga once or twice a week--there's a studio about 2 blocks from here. I try to get out of the house, even just to go to the post office, every day.That's wonderful!--more than even I could do back in Jan. and Feb. 2002 when I was badly depressed.
>
> Considering the amount of time I have on my hands, I'm less functional than you think. I don't do too much with my son because much of the time I can't maintain a conversation.On the other hand, I think you're better than you're giving yourself credit for. Some people who are badly depressed can't even START a conversation with people.
I manage to get food on the table most nights and do the laundry before we run out of socks or underwear. Sometimes that's all.
Again, try to give yourself credit for doing these things. Having your son home is a great blessing, since your commitment to his welfare is a much-needed diversion. (I lve alone and being alone and depressed can be deadly.) Be extra thankful you have him now, no matter what he does or challenges he poses
>
> My pdoc/therapist called this morning. She's very concerned about me. She might want to contact my husband. She wants to see me tomorrow. I'm grateful for her concern, but I'm still suffering.Be VERY glad that you've got a concerned doctor. My pdoc here in Thailand--who I was compelled to dump-- seemed like a great guy at the beginning but eventually proved to be incapable of helping me through the emergencies. He was anything but concerned and didn't want me pestering him outside of our scheduled appointments. He'd underplay my depression and blame my personality traits instead. Having an understanding, caring and competent dr. is something you really have to be thankful for.
I hope that all I'm saying is helpful and not hurtful or discouraging.
>
Posted by oskarsmom on February 27, 2004, at 15:30:30
In reply to Oskarsmom, how are you?, posted by Ilene on February 25, 2004, at 8:52:40
Hi Ilene,
I'm still really depressed. Got one of those weird "bumps" last night. Get revved and my mood shoots up. It's very disconcerting as I always wake up feeling like crap again. I'm feeling especially hopeless this morning.
I'm on 35 mgs now, will start 40 on Sunday.
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I think about you every day. Sorry my messages are short and late but I'm having a tough time.
((((Ilene)))))
oskarsmom
Posted by Ilene on February 27, 2004, at 20:49:57
In reply to Re: Oskarsmom, how are you?, posted by oskarsmom on February 27, 2004, at 15:30:30
> Hi Ilene,
>
> I'm still really depressed. Got one of those weird "bumps" last night. Get revved and my mood shoots up. It's very disconcerting as I always wake up feeling like crap again. I'm feeling especially hopeless this morning.
>
I hate it when I have a relatively good day, then wake up and everything's gone to hell. Sometimes just getting up and doing something--anything--helps.Are you taking a mood stabilizer?
> I'm on 35 mgs now, will start 40 on Sunday.
>
> I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I think about you every day. Sorry my messages are short and late but I'm having a tough time.
>
Today has been better, but I'm trying not to read too much into it. I hope things start going better for you. I've been thinking about you, too. I hope you find energy to post.((((oskarsmom))))
Posted by Ilene on February 27, 2004, at 21:48:13
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 14, posted by Ilene on February 26, 2004, at 19:01:36
Correction: today is the 3rd day at 40 mg. . . better check fingers again . . . yes, that's right.
Things went a little better today. My period started last night. Maybe I have pms, I just never noticed it.
Saw the pdoc first thing. Got there late. I wonder if she ever worries about me when I am late. It's only been the last two appts. I just space out and lose track of time.
She said she'd talk to the new internist and seemed pretty intrigued by his ideas. This woman is one of the most open-minded physicians on the planet.
She also said the pharmacist called her because he was worried I was taking Marplan with my previous drugs, which are contraindicated. This must have been the man who asked me the same thing when I was at the drugstore yesterday. I thought it was very nice of him. Surprising that the local CVS managed to hire someone who does more than shuffle around. They all speak in a monotone, too. I bet the CVS is actually staffed by Stepford employees. If I ever see that pharmacist again he'll be expressionless, shuffling, and mumbling.
Managed to do a few things around the house. Called a pdoc that the internist and my current pdoc both think would be a good referral for a psychopharm consult, but he wants to talk w/ the referring physician or therapist first, so left a message for my pdoc to call him. Walked up to the drugstore and the bakery. It was a bit much for my flat feet.
My date for tomorrow rescheduled for Tuesday. Fine with me. Never heard from my friend I was supposed to go shopping with on Sunday. I hate that, but she's been depressed too, so I'm trying not to get all resentful.
My pdoc called me back to say she left a message w/ the psychopharm doc and talked to the internist. She thought he had interesting explanations for my condition. He thinks the reason why most ADs don't work w/ CFS pts is because we don't make enough neurotransmitters to begin with, so there just isn't enough to play with even if re-uptake is blocked. (Current thinking is that SSRIs actually work by restructuring parts of the brain, not by blocking re-uptake of serotonin, though.)
She said something about eating licorice. I'm going to have to look into that.
Yawn. Must contemplate electrolyte/water balance.
Posted by oskarsmom on February 28, 2004, at 13:24:44
In reply to Re: Oskarsmom, how are you? » oskarsmom, posted by Ilene on February 27, 2004, at 20:49:57
Hi Ilene,
Well, I seem to be getting these "lifts" more often. Had one yesterday. Felt almost normal again. I was talking with a friend yesterday night, everything was fine. Now I wake up today feeling like #&%@ again. Totally freaked out. Feeling totally overwhelmed about my life. Everything was great last night! I hate this so much. I get a little taste of it and poof it's gone. My doctor blames it on the bipolar. As for mood stabilizers, I'm on lots of lithium, some lamictal, lots of neurontin, and a little Trileptal. Also Risperdal, if that counts. I also take lorazepam and thyroid hormones.
Are you bipolar? How are you dealing with the diet? When I'm home it's OK but eating out always makes me nervous. And I'm also a diabetic which complicates things a bit. I eat on a strict schedule so I need to have the right foods available when I need them. Not a problem so far.
Still thinking of you. Hoping so much that Marplan will help us.
oskarsmom
Posted by Ilene on February 28, 2004, at 20:16:31
In reply to oscarsmom here » Ilene, posted by oskarsmom on February 28, 2004, at 13:24:44
> Hi Ilene,
>
> Well, I seem to be getting these "lifts" more often. Had one yesterday. Felt almost normal again. I was talking with a friend yesterday night, everything was fine. Now I wake up today feeling like #&%@ again. Totally freaked out. Feeling totally overwhelmed about my life. Everything was great last night! I hate this so much. I get a little taste of it and poof it's gone. My doctor blames it on the bipolar. As for mood stabilizers, I'm on lots of lithium, some lamictal, lots of neurontin, and a little Trileptal. Also Risperdal, if that counts. I also take lorazepam and thyroid hormones.
>I hope the lifts come more often and last longer.
I don't know if Risperdal acts as a mood stabilizer, but it "counts". I found that out when I stopped taking it. Neurontin is supposed to have no mood stabilizing effect, but it sure helps me sleep, and some people find it helps anxiety.
> Are you bipolar? How are you dealing with the diet? When I'm home it's OK but eating out always makes me nervous. And I'm also a diabetic which complicates things a bit. I eat on a strict schedule so I need to have the right foods available when I need them. Not a problem so far.
>I don't know if I'm bipolar. Neither does my pdoc. I've never had any obvious manic or hypomanic episodes, but my personal and family history points to a bipolar spectrum disorder. I tried Lamictal and it didn't do anything, but ADs haven't been doing anything, either. We might try augmenting the Marplan with lithium.
So far I haven't had any dietary problems. American cheese melts nicely in the microwave, but it's not the same as a piece of real cheddar with an apple or pear. I'm waiting for the Bragg Liquid Amino people to send me a free sample. Someone who had a problem with soy sauce posted with their URL. It's supposed to be a substitute for soy sauce.
I don't eat out very often, so it hasn't been a problem yet. Most of the restaurants around here aren't very appealing.
I'm glad you posted. I hope you can get up to 40 mg. soon. That seems to be the magic number. Hang in there.
I.
Posted by Ilene on February 28, 2004, at 20:25:40
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 15, posted by Ilene on February 27, 2004, at 21:48:13
Fourth day at 40 mg.
This was a fairly good day. I didn't go anywhere, but I got the kitchen reasonably clean. I did some other things, too--I know I did, because my feet hurt--but I can't remember what they were,
My magazine subscriptions have run out. I can't concentrate very well on books, but I'm beginning to miss having magazines around. I think I'll subscribe to some.
Posted by Ilene on February 29, 2004, at 19:18:33
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 16, posted by Ilene on February 28, 2004, at 20:25:40
Fifth day at 40 mg.
Today was not so good. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm probably not going to see any results for another ten days. I didn't take any Klonopin today. Not quite as anxious. Maybe that's a good sign. On the other hand, suicide is creeping back into my thoughts. If you felt like me, you wouldn't want to live either.
I overslept and got my son to Sunday School almost half an hour late. I haven't noticed any supression of REM sleep (i.e. dreaming). I dream more than I did on desipramine, which was ineffective.
I ran my usual Sunday errands, plus bought some bird seed to fill the now-depleted feeders. The little buggers are expensive to feed! I spent more on bird food than I do on cat food. But then I have only 2 cats.
I think I might be having a mild CFS flare-up. I had a headache & sore throat yesterday, and a headache or muscle aches today. I'm pretty tired, too, but not my usual I-can't-concentrate-at-all and can't-get-out-of-bed condition when the CFS acts up.
Got the credit card out and subscribed to all my old magazines, plus Scientific American. (I admit it, I'm a nerd.) It'll take about two months before they arrive.
I forgot to subscribe to a new mag I found called "Seed", which is supposed to be about science and culture. Sounds interesting, and the cheap 'zine site had it for only $5.00.
Here's a reason why it's often hard for me to read. The local paper runs a short Sunday feature called "Life is Short/Autobiography as Haiku" This is one of today's:
"My hair is blown dry, my makeup done. One last look into the hall mirror. I adjust the collar of the new red jacket, feel good about myself, open the door and walk into . . . invisibility. This state of non-being is no longer recent. As in times past, I continue to look at passersby, nod and smile. The strangers do not respond. They look through me. It took a while to understand that I have attained a new status. And, though it is not my fault, I did not cause it. I became a woman of a certain age."
One of my issues is feeling like I've gotten older without having lived a regular life. I feel less and less attractive.
I'm very frustrated because I don't have the energy to keep after my son. For a while he was doing better at keeping his room picked up. Significant backsliding.
Forgot to pick up my Risperdal at the pharmacy. Lucky I still have some.
Posted by Ilene on March 1, 2004, at 19:50:40
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 16, posted by Ilene on February 29, 2004, at 19:18:33
Sixth day at 40 mg.
Spent most of the day in bed w/ a CFS flare-up. Not quite as despondent I often am when these happen.
Brooding about my useless, uninteresting life. Nearly anything I read will trigger these thoughts, even a 5 yr. old Archaeology magazine.
Talked w/ my pdoc about getting some codeine for pain. CFS is *painful*. It's not too bad today. She says she thinks I'm getting a little better. I wish I could believe her.
No energy to help my son. Feel guilty.
Posted by Ilene on March 2, 2004, at 21:46:27
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 18, posted by Ilene on March 1, 2004, at 19:50:40
7th day at 40 mg.
This is the halfway point for the 2-week trial. Things are somewhat better today. Slept late, but CFS symptoms went away by about noon.
Got together with a neighbor and took some donations to Value Village, which is like a hypertrophic Goodwill. Then on to Ikea, the Swedish furniture emporium. Not like I need furniture; I'm trying to get *rid* of stuff, but she wanted to go.
Home again, home again, off to vote.
Feeling less despondent than is my wont, but still want to be a different person entirely.
Posted by Ilene on March 3, 2004, at 21:06:00
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 19, posted by Ilene on March 2, 2004, at 21:46:27
I felt awful today. Saw the pdoc and decided to go up to 50 mg., so this is now my first day at that dose.
I slept in. Woke up with numb hands. My mouth bled when I brushed my teeth. Have a few CFS symptoms: sore throat, post-nasal drip, slight gland tenderness, red and itchy eyes. I'm having a hard time eating--I feel hungry, but at the same time I have no appetite.
Took Klonopin twice today.
Good things: Saw two woodpeckers at my suet feeder. The black cat is happier now that it's warmer and the gray cat is out of the house more. The black cat stays inside, but the gray cat was a stray whom we adopted, and he insists on going out. The bulbs are coming up. Little white ones that I think are snowdrops, and pale purple ones that are probably crocuses. I mailed a pair of shoes, a bracelet, and some Claritin to my daughter. My husband says my daughter is doing things with a group of kids she met at a teen film series, and she's getting around San Francisco *by herself*.
Maybe a good thing: Long chat w/ my husband about how I'm feeling. I hate to bring him down with this stuff. I know it disturbs him when I tell him I want to kill myself. He is the only person I can discuss it with, other than my pdoc, and I usually see her once a week.
I've been typing up a list of my mother's LPs. She died about six years ago. My father brought us all her old records. I'm not sure why, because I didn't inherit the "music gene". I've never listened to them. Her tastes were fairly solidly in the 19th century, plus Mozart. She played piano and sang in a chorus. So far I haven't found any Chopin, which seems strange.
I wonder if this is bringing my mood down. I never missed my mother after she died. Even now, if she were to magically return to life, I think I would have a hard time dealing with her. She argued with *everyone*. I think my sister was the only person who didn't find her irritating, and my sister's been dead for 16 years.
Read an obituary about a 51-year-old woman who died of pancreatic cancer. She was an expert on thanatology, and had been on TV, talking about her own death. Life is so unfair!
Life seems so fragile. I want a normal life so badly, and I don't want the life I've got. Even when I watch the birds they remind me of fragility and pain.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 3, 2004, at 22:06:42
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 20, posted by Ilene on March 3, 2004, at 21:06:00
Posted by cubbybear on March 3, 2004, at 22:34:46
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 20, posted by Ilene on March 3, 2004, at 21:06:00
> I wonder if this is bringing my mood down. I never missed my mother after she died. Even now, if she were to magically return to life, I think I would have a hard time dealing with her.
Have you maybe hit upon something essential here--toward an understanding of your depression? You needn't answer me, but it could be something to mention to your doctor, if you haven't already.
cubbybear
Posted by Ilene on March 4, 2004, at 11:44:36
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 20, posted by cubbybear on March 3, 2004, at 22:34:46
> > I wonder if this is bringing my mood down. I never missed my mother after she died. Even now, if she were to magically return to life, I think I would have a hard time dealing with her.
>
> Have you maybe hit upon something essential here--toward an understanding of your depression? You needn't answer me, but it could be something to mention to your doctor, if you haven't already.
> cubbybearI mentioned it to her--she called me this morning. We've already discussed my dysfunctional family. (Like who hasn't?) But there's so much mental illness on my mother's side that I believe my problems are genetic. That's the essential thing to understand. Everything else is damage control.
My concerns are in the here and now. I *need to function*. I have a son who needs me. Unfortunately, the temptation to check out is getting stronger.
Here's a link to a post I found that reflects how I feel about constantly searching for insight:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/318393.htmlI'm not denigrating insight--my mother seemed to lack it almost entirely--but I need for my brain to function first.
I'm glad you're still reading my posts.
I.
Posted by Ilene on March 4, 2004, at 11:46:05
In reply to (((((Ilene))))) (nm), posted by gardenergirl on March 3, 2004, at 22:06:42
Posted by Ilene on March 4, 2004, at 19:43:16
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 20, posted by Ilene on March 3, 2004, at 21:06:00
Second day at 50 mg.
I get to see my pdoc again tomorrow. She gets worried...
This time we are going to discuss hospitalization. I think she's out of her depth, and I'm not responding. I've been seeing her for over two years, and nothing has worked. She likes to titrate up and down *very slowly*, and I was out of state for six months, but still. I was in decline for the seven years before that, too.
I was a zombie all day. Hardly moved from the computer. Did not go to yoga, did not leave the house, did not pass go. Feel a litle achy when I get up and move around. Mostly my upper back. Just don't want to move.
Pdoc called my husband. He has this hare-brained scheme that I'm going to move in with him in California and be hospitalized out there. This just ain't gonna work. The man can be so impractical.
I have a consult w/ a psychopharmacologist in 2 weeks. Maybe he'll have some ideas. Pdoc has mentioned lithium and ECT. Can't say ECT thrills me, but I'm tired of waiting for something positive to happen. Problem is, then what?
I"ve gotten to the point of diminishing returns.
It's nice to know that people are reading my diary. I was thinking of stopping.
I.
Posted by Ilene on March 5, 2004, at 20:32:09
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 21, posted by Ilene on March 4, 2004, at 19:43:16
Third day at 50 mg.
Saw the pdoc this morning. She wants me to go in-patient. She called my husband; he and my daughter are flying out and should be here in about an hour and a half, I think.
She wants me to take more Risperdal. I seem to be less irritable since I've been taking it, but no less depressed. It makes me tired.
For a while I felt calmer and even managed to do a few things like wash dishes and so on. That passed after a few hours. Took more Klonopin.
The pdoc called me and and suggested I call the insurance co. to see if I'm covered. Yes, I'm covered,. I gave the info to my pdoc; she called back to tell me the case manager doesn't think inpatient treatment is "medically necessary". As in, have we tried psychotherapy? (Years.) I'm supposed to show up at the ER tomorrow morning. It's not like I *want* to enter the loony bin, you know, but once having agreed to it, being turned away as not crazy enough adds insult to injury. Maybe I'll tell them about "the plan". I have no shortage of plans. Maybe some day plastic bags will be illegal.
I feel horrible for doing this to my family. I feel so inadequate. I know I didn't do this on purpose, or even *do* anything.
My pdoc says I need to find ways to be kinder to myself. We had an interesting little talk when I saw her on Wednesday. I said I thought my latest CFS flare-up was triggered when my new internist said ADs don't work in people w/ CFS. Even though I got it clear with him that that's *not* what he meant the feeling of panic and despair took *hours* to pass. I told myself over and over that's not what he meant, but it made no difference. It's the same way when I have a fight with my husband, even after we patch things up--hours and hours of stress that I can't shake. I think it's like the fight-or-flight response. The pdoc says it's physiological. Some people get over things quickly, some don't.
Posted by cubbybear on March 6, 2004, at 2:51:58
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 22, posted by Ilene on March 5, 2004, at 20:32:09
>> The pdoc called me and and suggested I call the insurance co. to see if I'm covered. Yes, I'm covered,. I gave the info to my pdoc; she called back to tell me the case manager doesn't think inpatient treatment is "medically necessary". As in, have we tried psychotherapy? (Years.) I'm supposed to show up at the ER tomorrow morning. It's not like I *want* to enter the loony bin, you know, but once having agreed to it, being turned away as not crazy enough adds insult to injury. Maybe I'll tell them about "the plan". I have no shortage of plans. Maybe some day plastic bags will be illegal.
>
Ilene,
You have described very well the infuriating and tragic state of the mental health care system in the U.S. The left hand says that an in-patient stay is not medically necessary; the right hand in the emergency room says that you're not crazy enough. Maybe you're the sane and rational one, and it's institutions like this that have lost their marbles.Maybe you can have your pdoc nail them with some hard questions like, "what empirical measuring criteria are you utilizing to determine the minimal degree of insanity, craziness, or suitability for treatment?" What empirical data are you using in the determination of what's "medically necessary?"
Yet, intelligent questions like these would probably elicit more B.S. answers. So, maybe you *should* tell them about your "plans".. They *might* take you seriously and give you a deluxe, four-star private room with cushioned walls. Please forgive my black humor, Ilene; such a scenario would be one possible consequence of your being up-front.
I fully understand your rage and frustration. When I was seriously depressed as well as being jobless and homeless, i wound up being dumped by a so-called friend in a hotel room in Anaheim, California and all I had to do was phone the local suicide prevention hotline. . .and I hadn't even yet conceived of any plan; it was merely ideation. The next thing I knew, two armed deputies from the Anaheim Police knocked on my door, barged into the room and stood within inches of me; when I turned my back to grab a pair of pants to put on, to cover my near-nakedness, they roughed me up to make sure I wasn't going to reach for any lethal weapon. Such is the modern-day American practice of treating the victim like a criminal, or "doing this for your own protection."
The moral of the story: if you decide to tell the hospital bureaucrats about any suicidal ideation, be prepared for a *possible* lockup. I really don't mean to scare you in any way; I'm just angry over the state of the American health care system and your latest experience is an example of how patients are made to suffer more.
If your pdoc is a true friend of yours (and I honestly believe she is), you should ask her for her feelings about divulging suicidal ideation to the hospital, especially if the facility is known to treat suicidal patients unkindly. Whether suicide is a taboo subject or not, there comes a time when all the cards must be put on the table without fear of being further vilified and ostracized.
You deserve nothing but the best care, empathy, and medical expertise. I hope that this helps.
cubbybear
Posted by gardenergirl on March 6, 2004, at 16:47:24
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 22 » Ilene, posted by cubbybear on March 6, 2004, at 2:51:58
>
> You deserve nothing but the best care, empathy, and medical expertise. I hope that this helps.Ilene,
I agree one hundred percent with this. Whatever you end up doing, I hope it is helpful. I'm glad your family is coming, too. I hope they are a supportive resource for you. Please keep us posted, and I'll keep you in my prayers.gg
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 7, 2004, at 0:04:30
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 22, posted by Ilene on March 5, 2004, at 20:32:09
Sorry I haven't read your diary in a while. I had no idea how things were. I'm steeped in my own funk, so I have nothing constructive to say. I will say however that asphyxiation is PAINFUL in the end stages. Also there is nothing inadequate about you. You are a good loving person and I would feel bad if you weren't here, so indulge my selfishness and stick around.
Whatever happens, I'm in your corner.
Posted by cubbybear on March 7, 2004, at 3:40:32
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 22 » Ilene, posted by gardenergirl on March 6, 2004, at 16:47:24
At times like this, it's too bad that all of us who have been reading Ilene's journal and rooting for her can't somehow get together and be with her. Having a few Psychobabble friends by her side would be novel idea.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 7, 2004, at 12:22:02
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 22 » gardenergirl, posted by cubbybear on March 7, 2004, at 3:40:32
Yeah, that would be great. Cyberspace sure has its limits.
Hope she is doing alright.
gg
Posted by oskarsmom on March 7, 2004, at 12:56:23
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 22 » gardenergirl, posted by gardenergirl on March 7, 2004, at 12:22:02
Hi Ilene,
When I've been in the hospital it's been the right thing to do for me. I really hope you get rest, peace and quiet. Let us know how you are when you are back. I'll be praying for you.
Love, Oskarsmom
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