Posted by boBB on May 23, 2000, at 21:42:55
In reply to Cynthia, that's real bad therapy…, posted by Janice on May 23, 2000, at 20:42:19
Cynthia, if you are in the process of raising nine kids, there is likely far more going on in your pscyhe than can be summarized as bipolar disorder. I don't want to defend an uncaring therapist, and certainly don't want to reinforce your notion that maybe you are just a bitch. At risk of being crude, though, you calling yourselff, the mammaliam mother of nine precious young mammals, a bitch, is a more fair use of the term than some guy calling a twenty-something hotty his "bitch." Don't hold it against yourself if your have been loud and brash as a mom. If you ever think you were too severe with the kids, tell them that. When you need to assert authority in their lives, tell them as evenly as you can, this is what you have to do. Act balanced even if you don't feel balanced.
"Bipolar disorder" and the general set of neurological assumptions that goes with the diagnosis might well describe your reaction to your situation, and the biological mechanism available to you to deal with your awesome responsibility. If it was me and you and the nine, and if congress was comprised of honest caring people and not a bunch of stiff-necked ego-maniacs, I would tell the kids to play by themselves for a while, me and mom are gonna chill in private and we would cozy up in the bedroom with a tray and some home-grown herb. I say that to emphasise that I am not bashing your drug use. You have a right to use medicines, though the medications available on the market might not very well fit your needs.
I suspect you are desperately in need of a social support network. My guess is that you are stuck in a situation where you have to deal with the personalities that present themselves in your day-to-day life and have little practical choice when it comes to finding more warm and affectionat freindship such as would recharge your emotional batteries and fill the loving cup from which you feed your children.
Am I on the right track?
Maybe I am just projecting into your situation experiences that I have too often encountered for myself. But the times when I had compassionate, loving friends, many of whom were pot users, and some of whom used pmeds, were far more tolerable and balanced times of my life than times when I was pretty much on my own.
I surmise these things about your situation because I have not read much in your posts about any person who supports you, and because what little spare time you seem to get from being a mom and from going to therapy, you seem to spend in the company of us, your babblefriends. Too bad we are little more than a dazzling array of lights, and a set of letters, but apparently we seem to manage to communicate with this feeble prosthesis.
Perhaps this therapist wanted you to articulate some need beyond the need for meds. A diagnosis can become a way of intellectualizing a problem that shrouds the emotional pain that is part of the problem. You have needs the drugs will never resolve. No pill will ever hug you and tell you that, despite their screaming, unconcern, and whatever problems your children present to you, you are loveable and able to give meaningful love. But even with a full cup of love, you might find a need for some kind of meds. I defend your right to have access to meds, and to have access to information about the meds and their side effects. What i suspect about the cutting is that your are suffering, but the pain is buried too deep to feel, and you have no other way to get in touch with the pain but to physically induce pain so you can get a moment's relief in the countercoup of endorphine that pain causes.
Without knowing you, I cannot suggest what in your physical situation you might change to get some releif, or what in your emotional history or perspective you might confront that would let you discover some way through your situation. I do know that parition is but a foreshadow of the pain that parents suffer, and I suspect you find little time to realize your innermost needs. All i can suggest is that you think about, in tangible terms, what you want, and think about it long and hard until you find some of whatever it is. I don't mean intangible things, like, "to be happy" but tangible things, like, well, I shouldn't suggest - maybe a pet, or a garden or a friend. Fresh air? a swim in cool water? Time in a relatively quiet area, maybe out of doors? I don't know. I would add that in group counseling and on a board like this you get some of the most insightful support you might find, but I would urge you to be sure you have some relationships that emphasise your functionality and strength as a person to balance relationships that reinforce disfunctional aspects of who you are.
poster:boBB
thread:33767
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000517/msgs/34459.html