Posted by ClearSkies on November 27, 2007, at 15:41:58
Trying to find the balance, the tightrope is way slippery. The esteem of self versus the esteem I want others to hold me in (like others should, for some reason). Thanksgiving said it all: my outrage for undertaking such a grandiose set of tasks. Who was going to stop the madness? Nobody, that's who. Everyone, to a man, was perfectly content to let me whip myself into the frenzy of have-to-make-the-perfect-meal Martha Stewart-ardedness I had in my head. Hubby's solution is to have the meal catered next year. My solution is to not have those expectations any more at all...
I don't know, the day was such a mess on so many levels. The self hatred afterwards was a shock, though. I'm a BAD person for wanting help? No. I'm a bad person for not asking for help? Maybe...
The black and white thinking that comes from that 'holic background crops up at the worst of times, yet it does it because it's trying to teach me something!! I'm not BAD and they are GOOD. We are gradients of gray or we are all the colours of the rainbow. It's the thinking, the Stinking Thinking that is black and white.
I'm getting somewhere with this, I know I am. Let me work it through. See it up on the screen for a couple of days. Throw me a bone or two, someone...
poster:ClearSkies
thread:797327
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/esteem/20071011/msgs/797327.html