Posted by Rigby on September 16, 2004, at 9:58:24
In reply to I'm a broken record ****TRIGGER****, posted by crushedout on September 13, 2004, at 21:25:03
Hi Crushed,
My sense is that this email thing wasn't a huge violation on her part--it seems like she screwed up in the beginning, had a hard time finding her way, but she's been holding firm (at least from what you've reported??) with her boundaries.
You are in pain and asking why she can't help. I think that might be one of the hard things about therapy; the therapist can bring up painful things but it's mostly up to us to work through it with some guidance from them. Granted, she should be helping and I suppose that's the question at hand. But from what I can tell, the therapist is one tool that can do "x" amount--the rest is what else we find in the world--what we learn from our friends, lovers--in fiction, poetry, etc.
Not sure if the relationship stress as you say is causing a resurgence in your feelings or vice-versa. It would seem though, unless you were dating a saint, that it would be hard for a lover to hear alot about the person you're truly in love with (or angry with or questioning or whatever the fixation de jeur is.)
Anyway, I guess my main thought is that it sounds like you've hit upon some deep pain and that if you don't work it through with this woman you may get stuck in the same place again with another therapist. I don't know what's going on with your therapy and if she's messing up left and right but if she's not--you probably know in your gut if she is or isn't--then it may mean that it's stuff inside of you vs. some objectively damaging dynamic with this therapist.
She does have a family and, objectively, you do not know her. You've not spent any time with her in the "real world" so if you can wrap your mind around this (this is something that helped me) I could get clear that these feelings were manufactured almost totally by me. She fed into them at times--maybe made mistakes and got lost--but ultimately I had to come to terms with the fact that whatever fantasy I had about her was because of some deep stuff in me.
Ack--I've rambled. Keep us posted!
> I feel like a broken record. I'm back in transference-miseryland. I feel like I've been in denial, or else maybe I had a reprieve but really my transference was just lurking below the surface, hiding out, taking new forms. It hadn't really left.
>
> Last night I called my T to ask if a session was still available today that she had offered me. She emailed me back to say it was gone, but then she emailed me again, ten minutes later, to offer me a different time this week, an afterthought. The significant part was that she accidentally emailed me from her family email address. So it said her last name, husband's last name and then "Family" instead of her name like it usually does. She realized her mistake two minutes later and sent me a third email apologizing. I don't know why but it was kind of like being punched in the stomach. I mean, I'm perfectly aware that she has a family but it just hurts. I know she didn't mean to, but it felt like she was rubbing it in my face. And there are at least three things that hurt: (1) I want to be part of her family; (2) I know she cares more about her family than she does me; and (3) I don't think I'll ever have my own family, or at least not one that feels as good as I imagine hers does. I'll have some crappy, third-rate family with no love and no nice carpets, nothing. The truth is: I have no idea how nice her family is. Maybe it's totally lame. It's all just in my head. But it feels like sh*t anyway.
>
> I need help with this. I wish she could help me through this. Why do I feel so sure that I'd want to be part of her family? Why do I feel so sure I love her? Why do I feel so sure I can never have what I want? (Because the only thing I want is her, that's why.) Anyone else have some good questions for me besides me? Anyone have a way to snap me out of this, bring me to my senses, get me out of lalaland? I'm so sick of myself I can hardly stand it. I'd do myself in if I didn't think that was the most senseless thing imaginable (after all, if I'm dead, there's *no* hope of sleeping with my T). I SI'd tonight for the first time in months. Let me stop there.
>
> Help? Anyone?
poster:Rigby
thread:390499
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040911/msgs/391466.html