Posted by crushedout on September 13, 2004, at 21:25:03
I feel like a broken record. I'm back in transference-miseryland. I feel like I've been in denial, or else maybe I had a reprieve but really my transference was just lurking below the surface, hiding out, taking new forms. It hadn't really left.
Last night I called my T to ask if a session was still available today that she had offered me. She emailed me back to say it was gone, but then she emailed me again, ten minutes later, to offer me a different time this week, an afterthought. The significant part was that she accidentally emailed me from her family email address. So it said her last name, husband's last name and then "Family" instead of her name like it usually does. She realized her mistake two minutes later and sent me a third email apologizing. I don't know why but it was kind of like being punched in the stomach. I mean, I'm perfectly aware that she has a family but it just hurts. I know she didn't mean to, but it felt like she was rubbing it in my face. And there are at least three things that hurt: (1) I want to be part of her family; (2) I know she cares more about her family than she does me; and (3) I don't think I'll ever have my own family, or at least not one that feels as good as I imagine hers does. I'll have some crappy, third-rate family with no love and no nice carpets, nothing. The truth is: I have no idea how nice her family is. Maybe it's totally lame. It's all just in my head. But it feels like sh*t anyway.
I need help with this. I wish she could help me through this. Why do I feel so sure that I'd want to be part of her family? Why do I feel so sure I love her? Why do I feel so sure I can never have what I want? (Because the only thing I want is her, that's why.) Anyone else have some good questions for me besides me? Anyone have a way to snap me out of this, bring me to my senses, get me out of lalaland? I'm so sick of myself I can hardly stand it. I'd do myself in if I didn't think that was the most senseless thing imaginable (after all, if I'm dead, there's *no* hope of sleeping with my T). I SI'd tonight for the first time in months. Let me stop there.
Help? Anyone?
poster:crushedout
thread:390499
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040911/msgs/390499.html