Posted by Daisym on November 2, 2004, at 20:20:32
I'm posting instead of doing my homework.
Part of what is going on for me in therapy seems to be a re-enactment of some kind. I'm really struggling with sex right now, especially coping with the flashbacks that come during and after. But I haven't been talking to my therapist about this, if felt like a betrayal of my husband somehow. And I think I didn't want to let my therapist down by not being strong enough to follow through on any of his suggestions. So I kept it to myself. But the little kid part of me really, really wanted him to know, to see that I was suffering, without having to actually tell him. So "we" were mad at him for not being magic (to steal Dinah's term).
Yesterday was blurt day. After yelling at him last week, and with some support from friends, it became clear that this needed to get talked about. Yesterday he wanted to process why I hadn't been telling him...and he outlined the whole "don't tell mom about dad" script for me. Painful. Very painful...old patterns and habits that refuse to die, I guess. But he completely closed the gap between us, made me see that I could tell him anything and he wouldn't throw me out or running screaming from the room. (I hope this certainty last more than a week this time.)
Today, it was more about the actual subject of sex and flashbacks. He had some helpful suggestions for the adult me but he really wanted to talk directly to little daisy...and she wanted to talk to him. He said it sounded to him like she wanted him to put a stop to all this, to call up my hubby or have him come to a session where my therapist could stand up to him and tell him that he was devastating little daisy. The adult me gasped...but he got it right. That is exactly what little daisy wanted. And she told him that she wanted him to "hold" her afterward, and tell her it wasn't her fault. So they talked about it not being her fault ever...not now, not in the past. And he gently told her he couldn't call, as much as he wanted to protect her, not to my hubby and not to her dad or her mom but that he was there for her around all this. And she cried and cried.
My homework is to write down all the ways "we" could say no to things that make us uncomfortable and bring it to therapy tomorrow. (I told him I was putting pantyhose on the list, he laughed.) But he said he wanted to be clear with me that he didn't want me to share it with anyone yet, we need to practice saying no, in such a way that little daisy isn't even more traumatized. That writing it was only the first step to getting ready for a big leap.
I'm just so blown away that what she wants (to be saved) is so different from what I want (to learn how to cope). I beginning to wonder if we will ever get on the same page. And I think my therapist is showing favoritism. He talks so soft and nice to her!! Can you have sibling rivalry with yourself? *sigh*
poster:Daisym
thread:410840
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041026/msgs/410840.html