Posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 7:03:19
In reply to love, posted by Shortelise on December 7, 2005, at 1:39:22
> I don't feel like I love my T though. I don't like the word in context with him. It's so ... other, what I feel about him.
>
> Ok, here's where I go with that. How can I love a person I hardly know? I mean, I grew to love my husband. The falling in love thing happens, but getting to know him is what made me love him. My T is this guys who sits in a room and tries to see thing from my perspective, who is kind to me, who is there for me. He never f*rts or yells at me, or watches TV when I am trying to ask him something. He sits and pays attention, listens, is as empathetic as he can be, and sympathetic. I don't know what how he treats waiters, what he's like when the pharmacist can't find his prescription, or what his table manners are like.
>
> For me to love him, well, it's kind of ... absurd, and shallow. I don't know him. I simply don't know him. And of course he is gratifying to be around - he is very good to me, and cares about me in a way I have come to depend on.Absurd, possibly. Shallow? I don’t see it. Love can be pretty absurd. But I’ve never heard of love being shallow!
> I don't feel I can actually love him, but I only love the facet of him I know, the one that feeds me, emotionally and has little to do with him as a person.
I think it must have something to do with him as a person; if that didn’t matter at all, there would never be problems with therapist-client ‘fit’.
I think we (clients in general) tie ourselves in knots over this. How much of my therapist is in the room with me? Is he a real person, or someone I made up? We tell ourselves we can’t have a real relationship with them because we only know the person they present to us in therapy; we don’t know all their faults. Well, I think people who’ve been in therapy a long time could probably make a pretty accurate list of their therapists’ faults. And we tell ourselves we can’t really love them because we don’t really know them; and that they can’t really love us because we’re just patients and not really special.
I honestly believe that there can be real love. I just don’t see that any other word fits. Maybe it doesn’t happen to everyone or in every therapy, but when it happens it’s love. Maybe it’s a special kind of love that happens only in therapy and isn’t like loving a partner or a parent or a child or a friend. Just as religious love is different from other kinds of love, or classroom love is different from other kinds of love. But if it’s not your experience, it’s just not your experience.
> What I think I love is being understood, being heard, listened to, and treated kindly. The man who does these things I like, but it's what he does for me that I love.
Maybe so, although I find it difficult to make a distinction between who someone is and what they do.
Sure, you’ll never know him as well as you know your partner or your friends. But how much do we have to know about someone before we can call the feeling love? Sometimes I think it’s about the quality and history of the relationship rather than about knowledge.
> Everyone who read my post that started this thread assumed that I was saying that I love my therapist. I didn't say that. But everyone assmued that was what I meant - or so it's seems from reading these responses. It's interesting.
Yes, when I read your first post it sounded to me as if you were saying that you were feeling love for your therapist (probably projection on my part). And then I read this post and I accept that you don’t. But you describe something that I would probably call love if I felt it. So I guess I’m trying to get my head around what makes the difference to you.
> I struggle with this. And no (I hear you asking) I have never discussed it with him. The idea makes me start to cry.
(((((ShortE)))))
I think it’s truly wonderful that you have so much love in your heart right now. You don’t have to love your therapist as well; some relationships are close without being loving and that’s just fine. And if you do ever come to love him, that will be just fine too.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:586134
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051206/msgs/586403.html