Posted by fairywings on December 9, 2005, at 10:47:39
Over the past year I've been retreating more and more. Now I can't bring myself to put up Christmas decorations,go to the holiday concerts and activities with the kids, or help with class parties. I realized from a post that Poet made yesterday that I think some of my problem with the holidays is that my mom had to have everything look so perfect to outsiders, but everyone in our house miserable. My dad made the holidays more a time of fear and dread than peace and joy.
Then, Last week at my T appt. we talked about some things I've never discussed; I left him with some information I've never told anyone except my husband. Now I feel sick, like maybe I want to take it all back, but I can't. Now I don't feel so great. I know I'm short with my older son, and I know it hurts his feelings. I hurt "inside" all the time, I don't feel like making the effort to look nice, I can't make myself run my errands, or keep the house the way I normally do. Toward the afternoon and evening I feel really tired, I tend to isolate myself in my bedroom, I go to bed to "rest" and can't get up, and I've been asking my husband to do things I think I should be doing. Then I feel so guilty about all of it. I feel like a horrible mom. I know it must be a bit of sadness or depression, but I can't seem to shake it long enough to put on a good face for my kids.
I don't want my kids to see me feeling this way, I don't want them to have the crazy mom, or to grow up and remember me this way. I don't want to be so moody around them all the time, I don't want my husband to think I'm sick or I'm a burden. I want to be able to hide this from my kids because I don't want to ruin their holidays or birthdays. How do I hide this just from the time they get home from school until they go to bed?
It also makes me nervous because it's so hard for me to tell my husband how I feel, and he doesn't get it anyway. When I was suicidal, he was kind and listened to me, but now it horrifies me that he left to go to work, and left me with our toddler. Not that I would have ever hurt him, but if I'd done anything to myself, what would've happened to him? I'm not suicidal now, so I'm not worried about that, but it's just that he had no concept of just how it feels. Then again, I hate it when he says I'm sick, or that I need help. I feel so pathetic. How do I help him understand? He's never felt depressed, so I don't know how to convey it?
fw
poster:fairywings
thread:587267
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051206/msgs/587267.html