Posted by Daisym on January 26, 2007, at 0:00:45
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? » caraher, posted by wishingstar on January 25, 2007, at 22:37:24
So often I feel alone, like I am the only person who thinks or feels certain things. And then I come here and read thoughts from my own mind...
You said, "I'm so sick of myself." I can't tell you how many times I've said that! I want to be someone, anyone, else for awhile.
I've posted that I've been struggling with thoughts of suicide pretty intensely the past couple of weeks. I started out being overwhelmed and frantic and now I've moved to a removed, cold and flat space. It feels better to not be frantic. I think somehow I'm underneath my tears, in a space of surrender and no hope. I am trying to talk about it to my therapist but it feel so inarticulate - like I'm dead already. It is scary to feel this and yet not at all.
He asked me today if I'd consider the hospital. I said absolutely not. I wanted to remain in control of my life until this passes or until...well, whatever. So what keeps me here? Those slender threads of responsibility - mostly to my son. And believe it or not, a promise. I promised my therapist I would call him and at least give him the chance to talk to me first. I can't begin to imagine calling him at that moment, so I don't get to that moment. Which makes no sense really. I just don't want to hurt him or leave him thinking there was anything he could have done different. So...I'm really mad at him tonight for extracting the promise.
Given everything going on over at Admin, I'm a little afraid to push the submit button on this post. Babble has helped me through some really tough spots, so it is hard not to reach out here. But I don't want to trigger or worry anyone either. The more I think about it, the more I know that this is a solitary decision and no one can really save you except you.
poster:Daisym
thread:726366
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070119/msgs/726577.html