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Re: what keeps you going? (my reasons)

Posted by wishingstar on January 26, 2007, at 9:30:16

In reply to Re: what keeps you going? » Daisym, posted by wishingstar on January 26, 2007, at 9:21:24

I lay in bed last night and thought more about this... the things that are keeping me alive/ I think there are 2 things.

The first is Laurie, my old T. At our very last session, I was really a mess - very depressed and suicidal and just not able to hide it at all. For most of the session, I stared at the ground and she talked because I just couldnt. I remember, she said that my pain made her cry, and when I glanced up, she was wiping her eyes. And she said that she'd miss me if I died, if I was gone. I told her I thought she was the only one. I'm hold on to that. I believe her.

The second is harder to define. I think it's just stubbornness. I can be a very stubborn person, much to the dismay of my therapists. I think there is so small piece of me that I have trouble accessing that knows that I am a good person and I dont deserve this. It seems like no matter what I try, it just stays the same or gets worse. But I think my stubborn side just wont let that go. Is that hope? I dont know. It doesnt feel like hope. I really have very, very little hope that things will get better for me right now. But there is just something there. I guess I need to think about it some more.

Those are my reasons. I wish I had something like family or kids to hang on to, but I dont right now. I guess that's okay.


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