Posted by Racer on July 19, 2007, at 12:28:20
In reply to I'm Upset - triggers (long), posted by DAisym on July 18, 2007, at 20:02:38
>
> What if he gets disgusted and finally sees what I've been trying to tell him about how much of it really is my fault?Reality check, darling friend: NONE of it was your fault. I know it seems that way right now, but reverse the situation a little, as the adult Daisy -- if a child tried to initiate any sort of sexual activity with you, you'd stop it, wouldn't you? (And then you'd probably report the situation to CPS, because you'd know that another adult had taught the child this behavior.) So, tell me again, who's responsible for this? It certainly wasn't little Daisy.
You sound so -- well, you sound as though you've been sucked into a vortex of pain, and shame, and hopelessness. Do you remember when you've been there before? I remember when you've posted about being there in the past. And I'm struck by something else -- this time, you sound stronger, more resilient. I suspect you don't feel that way, but your writing shows that you've got some new reserves to call on now. Maybe you're internalizing your T, maybe you're internalizing what you offer those outside yourself. But you do sound much more able to cope with the huge feelings now.
By the way, although it's different situations -- for me, it's about other sorts of horrible, "I am the worst being on the planet" stuff -- I'm finding that it's easier for me to be kind towards my history now. The more I tell my T about how awful I was, what terrible things I did, how it's all my fault and I'm so fundamentally flawed that there's no chance to have a halfway decent life, the more I tell her those things, more easier it is for me to see that I was TAUGHT that sort of behavior, that my situation didn't offer me many options, and none of those options were healthy ones. I can see, more and more, how much the adults around me channeled me into unhealthy behaviors by their resistance to anything approaching healthy behaviors. (Hell -- you're a mother. What do you think happens when a mother shrieks at her five year old that she's manipulative and "bad"? If the five year old starts crying to make Mommy stop screaming, is that being manipulative? Or is it the only available option for that child? I'm finding it easier these days to say, "Gee, Mom, how does a five year old *learn* to be 'manipulative' like that? And what the hell were you thinking, blaming your child?" Maybe you'll find a similar kindness for your earlier self?)
I don't even know what I want to say to you, dear friend. All I know is that you've helped me so much through my recent dramas, and you've brought a lot of very real pleasure to my life. I hope that someday soon, you'll be able to share that pleasure in your company. You might find that you're a pretty wonderful person to get to know.
poster:Racer
thread:770441
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070714/msgs/770559.html